Here it is everyone, the dawn of a new era for your favorite writer of all time. I am no longer writing hookup stories. You may find it hard to believe, but I do know other things besides wild sex and great head. Not much else, but there are some things. So here goes nothing.

Spring Break. Man what a great time of year. It’s complete with the best partying of your life, all while looking at hoochies in bikinis. All you do is drink, watch wet t-shirt contests, keep a close eye out for thongs, and have your a-game on all week so that you can get your dick wet. The only actual worry in the world is not catching the clap. When I went to Daytona, this was exactly the case, with a slight remix.

There I was in Daytona with three of my best friends. Man, we were having the time of our lives. Naturally, we partied till dawn, got about three hours of sleep, drank a beer for breakfast, then went to the beach to drink more and watch the girls shake their asses and flash their tits. We even made up fake names and personas to tell girls. One of my friends was ‘Brian Tuesday,’ and he was the son of the owner of Fat Tuesdays. Sound stupid? Yes, it was. Did it work? You’re damn right it did. Ahhhhhhh, easy like Sunday morning. But I am wandering away from story.

Because Daytona is so close to Orlando, on one day, our hotel offered a free bus to Universal Studios. How could we pass up on this opportunity? The only problem was the bus left at 8am. Considering we were up drinking till about 6am, I think that it is needless to say that we were still drunk. Eventually we get there and start roaming around. Let me be the first to tell you that Universal Studios is not fun anymore. Yes, it was when you were a kid, but that shit is lame now. Lucky for us, we (well maybe just me) were still drunk and managed to be as obnoxious as hell, and made our own good time.

At the Earthquake attraction, I managed to volunteer and help with a stunt. They took me backstage and I actually didn’t do shit. All they did was put me in some suit, then have a dummy wearing the same suit fall from the ceiling, insinuating that it was me falling. The dummy was quite obviously not me, I doubt ANYONE fell for it. But, then I had to stumble out from behind the stage to a crowd of about 400 people and pretend like I was hurt.

The joke was on them however, because I wasn’t hurt at all. They asked me how I felt after my fall, and I replied (remember I was still a little drunk), “I’m feeling fucking great” in front of the whole crowd, on a microphone, in front of numerous kids. Needless to say, I got yelled at, and they got me off stage as soon as possible. Later on though, a little girl approached me and asked me, “Are you ok?” I replied, “What the hell are you talking about?” She said, “when you fell at the Earthquake thing.” I answered, “What are you stupid? That wasn’t really me. And oh yeah, you’re a mistake baby.” Taught her a good lesson. Little did I know, that was the least of my volunteering that day.

Eventually, after gallivanting around aimlessly, we came across one of the greatest thing I have ever seen, Nickelodeon Studios. You should have seen our eyes when we saw that green geyser of slime explode. Man, how cool is that shit. Let me tell you, it’s much cooler in person that seeing that shit on TV. But there I was, at the place that I fucking loved as a kid. From drooling over Alex Mack, to Wild and Crazy Kids, to pledging fake hours on the big help-a-thon, Nickelodeon has brought me great times over my years. I was in nostalgia overdrive. I immediately had to find a way inside.

So I approached the building, and for whatever reason there was a line forming. Without even thinking about it, my friends and I jumped in line. Was I really about to go inside Nickelodeon Studios? Maybe I would meet Marc Summers. Maybe I could ride the pie coaster. Good lord was I excited. Who knows what was about to happen to me. All I knew was, I wanted to get slimed, and I wanted it bad. Then the doors opened, and the line started moving. I couldn’t believe it, I was going inside Nickelodeon Studios.

I had no idea what was in store for me. They lead us into a room, which was a set for a television taping. Once again I was in disbelief. I was at a friggin' television taping for fucking Nickelodeon. I think the show was called GameZone, or something like that. We had to think fast, we needed a good seat. We quickly pushed three little kids out of the way and jumped in the front row. There we were, four 21 year olds amongst about 100 eight year olds and their parents. This is where things get crazy.

The host (who wasn’t Fucking Marc Summers, what a screw job that was), asked for volunteers from the crowd. Without even hesitating, I jumped out of my seat, and volunteered enthusiastically. There, they led me backstage, where I would prepare for one of the greatest moments of my life. No, unfortunately, I was not going to get slimed, what they had prepared for me was ten times better.

They prepared me backstage, and brought me out to take part in a contest along with some little kids. Although there was a catch. They dressed me up as Jimmy Neutron. Yes, Jimmy fucking neutron, the boy genius himself. They put on this big ass shirt, overalls, and completed the get up with a huge ass plastic hairpiece. There I was, on a taping for national television, dressed as Jimmy friggin’ Neutron.

Now you can imagine my friends’ faces when they saw me at first. They had no idea what to expect, let alone to see me dressed as Jimmy Neutron. They immediately broke into laughter, and never stopped. At one point during the contest, they were laughing so hard, they made the host break character and laugh along with them. Eventually, my team lost, because my kids were stupid, and one of the kids got slimed for losing. I was pissed as I wanted to get slimed, but I guess I had my 15 minutes of fame.

You might think that I would be embarrassed by this situation. Hell no I wasn’t. Not only was I under the influence, but god what a classic experience. I mean I was on TV dressed as Jimmy Neutron! It doesn’t get more classic and once in a lifetime than that. Although I do have one huge regret, I didn’t have a camera. So unfortunately, there are no pictures. I also have never seen myself on the show, as I never watch Nickelodeon. Although, somewhere out there, there is a tape of me on Nickelodeon. I have been tempted to call up the studios and get a hold of the tape, but I am lazy and haven’t done it. I know, I know, I should. And someday I may. But until then, I am still living off the fact that I was on Nickelodeon, being one of the greatest moments of my life.

Questions? Comments? Do you happen to have the tape of me on Nickelodeon? If so, email me at Ikartz11@yahoo.com