First and foremost, I regret to inform all my millions and millions of readers that my article after this one will be my last installment of hookup stories.

I know, I know, you don’t want them to end. You base your day around reading them and can’t go on without them. I’m sorry; but my friends haven’t really been sluts in a while so I am out of material. However, I am moving on to other stories and articles that will be quite similar, just not ending with a cumshot or a hoochy being piledrived. But here I promise you, I will do my best to go out and be a slut and make for some new stories. Be it fat chicks, herpes or roofies, I will find you new stories.

Now onto the good stuff.

I have some very classic stories today to share with my loyal readers that all have something in common: an amazing pick up line.

Pick up lines are amazing things. If you say the right thing, girls may actually fall for it and you could be getting your dick sucked only a few hours later. Man if I hade a nickel for every time that’s happened I would have…well, I would probably owe some money. Shit, who am I kidding? Pick up lines rarely work. More often then not the girl laughs at you like you have toilet paper hanging out of your ass while walking through the airport in Cancun. You may even piss her off because she is so offended. Wait a minute…this reminds me of a time not to long ago…

Have you ever been to PJ’s on Main Street in Buffalo? Well, in case you haven’t, I will give you a little run down. Basically it’s a shitload of kids who got into a bar that thrives off underage kids. Seriously, I’m talking high school kids. But that’s not what makes it classic. The place is a friggin whorehouse. It is basically an orgy. I’d say it’s the most sexual you can get with your clothes on. You walk in and smell sex. If you don’t make out with three girls in a night there, you may be gay. And what makes it much better is the drink specials- $3.50 pitchers. The place is practically forcing people to get wasted, get beer goggles and go home and show off your O face.

But once you turn 21, you are basically a tool if you go there. Either that or you are desperate for ass, because it’s guaranteed there.

Well, It just so happens two of my friends were that desperate. So they dragged my ass there totally against my will, although I’ll admit, I was entertained. But, not because I was getting my cock steamrolled, because my friends were on the hunt. It didn’t take them more than seven minutes before they had two girls. I think these girls actually came with the drink special that night. Now that they got their girls, we left. I think we were there for eight minutes total.

So we got back to the house, and I went to bed to leave them alone. They split up, two and two, on opposite couches. My one friend ‘Pedro Martinez’ was doing fine, making out, touching titty (on a side note, how cool was it the first time you touched a tit? Man that was awesome. Such a milestone in my life. I will never forget July 14, 1995) and well on his way down south. My other friend ‘Johnny Damon’ was moving a little slower. His girl wasn’t as slutty as my other friends so he had to sweet talk her. He tried to be all sweet and shit but that wasn’t working.

Then came the pick up line from hell.

He looks deep into her eyes and muttered a line that will go down in infamy.

He said, “I want to eat your pussy.”

Yes, you read that right. I. Want. To. Eat. Your. Pussy. He said that. She couldn’t believe it either and says, “WHAT?!?!”

He repeats, “I want to eat your pussy.”

The girl is in shock, she turns to her friend and yells, “This kid says he wants to eat my pussy!!” Then starts hitting my friend. Slapping, punching and basically kicking his ass. Pedro has to pull her off of Johnny. She storms out of the house yelling, calling him a pervert and asshole and all that good shit.

Lesson be learned, “I want to eat your pussy” is not a good pick up line. In fact it is a horrible pick up line. But damn it makes for a funny situation to talk about later.

My next story totally contradicts anything I have ever said on here. I preach about how girls should always approach the guys if they want to have sex. And usually I am all about that. Easy sex? Count me in. But there was this one time where the pick up line used on me totally freaked me out.

I had a girl over for a few drinks. I knew it was going good already because getting a girl drunk is a great way to get into her pants. So we are drinking and yadda, yadda, yadda, we are making out. Next thing I know she starts stripping.

Now that’s what I am talking about. She was all about it and I didn’t have to do anything. Things were looking good.

So there she is butt ass naked and we are hooking up, but then shit got creepy. She looks into my eyes and says:

“Ian, I love you, I have always loved you. I want you inside of me. But it cannot be with a condom because I love you so much I want to have an amazing orgasm with you.”

Yeah, she said that. I was speechless. I think I sat there for a few minutes wondering what the hell to say. I am sorry guys, under normal circumstances I may have had sex with her. Maybe even if I could have used a condom. But those are all woulda, shoulda, coulda’s. The fact of the matter is, she insisted that we couldn’t use a condom.

And oh yeah, she confessed her love to me. Note to self for any girls reading this. Never confess your love to a guy on the first date. It’s a little freaky. So I was kind of freaked out by her love for me, and her insistence on me raw dogging her.

I turned her down.

Man, that didn’t go well. She got all pissed off at me for not fucking her, saying shit like I didn’t love her and stuff (which I didn’t), and got all offended and stormed out, totally naked, leaving most of her clothes behind. She got in her car, naked, and drove home. Man that shit was classic.

Okay, so those two horrible pick up lines didn’t work. But have you ever seen Little Giants starring the Emmy award winning Rick Moranis? Well, if you have, you would know that his brother (Al Bundy) beat him in a bike race every day. However, on one day, he actually beat him. Yeah, I didn’t buy it either. Rick Moranis beating Al Bundy in a race? Do I have to remind you that Al scored four touchdowns in one game for Polk high school? But anyways, that’s not the point. The point they were trying to make was that there’s always a chance. A very, very, very small chance, similar to the Knicks’ chances of making the playoffs this year. There is always that minuscule chance.

Again, this reminds me of another story where a horrible pick up line worked to perfection.

This story also deals with a girl going for the guy. And boy did it work. My roommate Max Moon had a friend up from home who brought along this girl who was boot nasty and annoying as fuck. She basically was as attractive as Janet Reno, and annoying as Stuart Scott. I wanted to choke her she was so annoying. I think one of my friends even said the only way to shut her up was to stick a dick in her mouth.

My, what excellent foreshadowing that was.

So we went out to the bar like we usually would and got damn drunk. But this girl was fucking annoying as shit and basically was ruining my drunk because I wanted to rip my ears out of my head the whole time. Eventually we stagger home and one of my roommates actually passes out on our kitchen floor. After sleeping there for a good ½ hour, he literally crawl to his room and passes out.

Then shit got crazy. He passed out and we are all upstairs when the girl strategically disappeared. She sneaked her way into my friend’s room and jumped on him and said the magic words that most people would love to hear, had it not been her. She said:

“Do you want me to get off of you, or give you head?”

YAHTZEE!!!!!

OK I can see my friend’s point of view. That may be hard to turn down. I mean he was sleeping and someone wakes you up to ask you if you want head? Shit. Where do I sign up? But she was nasty and she was annoying. But, of course, she can’t be annoying when she’s sucking your dick now can she? Didn’t think so. So she sucked his dick, and swallowed by the way (kudos to her), and then passed out next to him.

My friend realizing what he just did, snuck out of the room and came into my room. He told me what happened and I laughed at him. Then, because he was still wasted, he didn’t know what to do. So he did what any man would do. He hid … under my bed. The bitch crawled under my bed and slept there for the rest of the night. I guess he regretted it.

So there they are. Some amazing pick up lines that had some classic endings. Some not so fortunate, but some quite fortunate. Either way you look at it, they were some classic situations that we can look back upon and share, and laugh.

I am actually laughing right now.

Man I love hookup stories. It’s going to be sad to see them go.

Questions? Comments? Can I eat your pussy? If so, email me at ikartz11@yahoo.com