Now this series wouldn’t be complete if I never had a story that took place in the biggest whorehouse in the world now would it? I think not.

Lets do a brief history on Cancun. Every year, spring breakers head to the armpit of North America for the time of their lives. The rest of the party world basically rotates around this place. Crystal blue water, white sand, girls in bikinis, swim up bars, crazy clubs, undrinkable water, wet t-shirt contests, all kinds of crazy shit.

But more importantly is that Cancun is famous for being a sexual free-for-all. You have to actively try to not hook up. Everyone leaves their morals at customs and goes crazy. Any pick up line works, it’s easier to get a girl there than it is to beat the Knicks. Shit, girls even come to you. Let’s just leave it at, Cancun is all about partying and hooking up. Say what you want, do what you want. It all doesn’t matter because you are in Cancun.

And of course you can do all of this and not worry about anything because after all, “what happens in Cancun, stays in Cancun.” Well now that wouldn’t make for a good hookup story then would it?

I was lucky enough to make it down to Cancun over a spring break of mine with six other guys. And let me tell you, all the rumors are true. It is basically one big orgy. And a wise man once told me, ‘when in Rome do as the Romans do.’ So we went out to take part in the orgy with a smile on our face and a condom already on. Come on now, seven guys in Cancun? Sounds like trouble to me. Game on.

(On a side note I just wanted to add this unrelated hookup moment from Cancun real quick: so we’re at this club and some girl is there with her boyfriend. Behind the stage the boyfriend catches his girl giving another guy head. The boyfriend runs over there to break it up, but the guy getting head’s friend grabs the boyfriend and holds his arms behind his back. Then the guy gets up with his dick still out and punches the boyfriend and broke his jaw. Jaw broken and cheating girlfriend in 1 minute. Horrible, horrible hookup moment.)

One of us guys who I will wall Johnny #7, had quite an interesting night with a girl. I think we made it to the end of the driveway of the hotel before he met this girl named Tabby. Didn’t take long. I think his pickup line was, “hi my name is Johnny #7 and I have a 9-inch cock that tastes like Boston Market mac and cheese.” That’s all he had to say, he had her. If I remember correctly, she may have spread her legs right there.

They hit it off all night long. It didn’t take long before they were making out like they were at PJ Bottoms. Yeah, they were ‘that couple’ going at it like champs. But hell, it didn’t matter, remember you’re in Cancun, that kind of thing is expected, not frowned upon. I think they were even surrounded by others doing the same thing, even one of his roommates.

Eventually they find themselves a nice little corner that was somewhat private. Hell, who am I kidding, instead of making out with 1,000 people around, there was only 138 people. That shit wasn’t private. If that’s private than Mike Putter will be a Bills fan next year. But either way, hormones were all riled up, and shit was getting hot real fast.

So things start getting hot and she starts to do one of the sexiest things you could ever do to a guy, she starts to suck his fingers. If he ever doubted he was going to get some real action that night, that changed his mind real fast. He knew he was golden there. Now it was a matter of keeping him from busting a nut in his pants. Then she said words that will forever be known as the best pick up line by a girl in history. The conversation was as follows:

Tabby: “want to know a good thing about me?” Johnny #7: “what’s that?” Tabby: “I have no gag reflex at all” Johnny #7: “harhum jenuth pliamno” (translation- I love you)

That’s right. She told Johnny #7 she had no friggin’ gag reflex. You guys with me here? No gag reflex!!!! Ladies if you want a good pick up line, there it is. Use that. Guys will fall in love with you. If there’s one thing guys love, its getting head. It’s fucking great. And if you are going to insinuate to a guy that you are not only going to give him head, but have no gag reflex while doing it, you’re flirting with perfection. I can say for myself if a girl said that to me, give me a bag of spicy nacho Doritos and that may be heaven. Needless to say, she had my friend all primed now, he was literally drooling. Put your night on coast, the stage is set. It was all set up, he just had to show up. His cock was going to have a good night.

As you can imagine, not too long after that, Johnny #7 and Tabby were quite eager to get the hell out of there and do some crazy shit to each other. But here’s where a problem arose. You see, they couldn’t go back to our room because people were there, as with her room.

Hmmmmmm what to do? I know!!!! Sex on the beach!!!

What a marvelous idea. Soon enough they found a nice ‘romantic’ place to do the nasty. First things first. She dropped to her knees and proved that she had no gag reflex. From what Johnny #7 told me, she has reason to brag about that. Nothing more romantic than getting deep throated with the sound of the ocean breeze and waves in the background.

It didn’t take long from there before they started having some real XXX sex right there in the sand, without even a towel. I can’t even imagine how sand in your ass crack and cupping your balls feels like. But they fought through adversity and went to town right there on the shore. And what makes it even better, they didn’t use a condom. He said he really trusted her for a Cancun girl, and besides it just feels better.

Just kidding, he used a condom.

Now here comes the classic part.

So they’re hooking up on the beach, which is everything but private, and soon enough people walked by. A guy and a girl are walking towards them, but my friend never stopped pumping. Then it happened. The guy and girl were literally 10 feet from them when the girl yells out “Oh my god, their having sex!!!” But you know what? They didn’t walk away. They sat there and watched my friend have sex with this girl. My friend was not phased and never broke stride, he kept railing Tabby. But he said it wasn’t even weird. They just watched as he pumped her full of gonad grease. Johnny #7 and Tabby both finished, and the other couple walked away. For those 2 ½ minutes of sex, he was a porn star. He was being watched while having sex. One of the greatest accomplishments. I’d be lying if I weren’t jealous. Truly classic.

So believe everything you hear about Cancun. It is an orgy. It is all about sex. And usually, what happens there does stay there … until now.

Questions? Comments? Like Boston Market mac and cheese? If so email me at ikartz11@yahoo.com