Have you ever been so in love with a girl that did not like you at all, that it kept you up at night and made you do ridiculous things, and ultimately look like a tool?

Yeah, me neither.

But, I know from first hand experience about a kid who was fucking whipped for a girl that wanted nothing to do with him. He told her he liked her, and she said “thanks.” Imagine that shit? I would probably shake the bitch. No one breaks my heart. But even though she wasn’t interested, he was determined, only ultimately to meet his match with another guy who would sin the lady. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Lets do a little background history.

My roommate freshman year was the infamous John Stammle. Now this kid was fucking classic. Here are some of his highlights

1) Used to masturbate on the top bunk like I couldn’t feel the bed shaking or see his elbow flopping around. But that’s not the gross part. He wouldn’t get out of bed to clean up. I don’t even want to imagine how he cleaned up.

2) Built a shrine to Limp Bizkit (see they use a Z so that makes them cool) made out of candles and Arizona iced tea cans

3) Showered about the same amount of times a month as people get haircuts. At one point, he went 5 days in a row, not joking, he smelt like the bathroom at 232 Lisbon.

4) He played online games professionally, like in leagues. He would stay in on weekends to ‘practice’ for his next online game.

5) Thought because he had a 1986 busted ass T-bird that he was automatically envied by everyone.

6) He literally tried to become me. Not even trying to brag. He pierced his eyebrow like me, bought clothes like me and started talking like me. But nothing tops the coup de gras when I tested my limits and picked out a gay ass dragon tattoo for him and he actually got it.

Needless to say, this kid was unique. I can’t imagine why a girl wouldn’t date him. Can you?

Now lets introduce the girl. Jill was an amazing girl. Short, skinny, blonde with a great body and great personality. She was quite open too. I mean she would tell you that there was a traffic jam on the way here so she masturbated in the car. She also would brag about how she loved giving head. Well she had my attention. I think I loved her. I can see why Bill did.

The first day she came over was a day I will never forget. He was up on his bunk, most likely pretending to be doing homework when more than likely he was rubbing one out, when all of a sudden Jill walked into his life. Then one of my greatest moments of college happened. He saw her and wanted to make a fashionable first impression so he tried to be all suave by getting out of bed like a true cool guy. So, he tried to roll off, but things didn’t go as planned.

He slipped and from the top bunk, and the bitch fell head first into the concrete floor, right at her feet.

Head first. The bitch was down for the count. I burst out laughing at him, along with everyone else in the room, including Jill. There really isn’t much funnier than someone else falling. I love it. Anyways, her first impression was enough. This kids chances were going nowhere.

So then he fell in love with Jill, more or less stalking the girl. Calling her, yadda, yadda, yadda. I think she wanted herpes more than him. He was like the plague. She stayed away from him and avoided him at all costs.

But since this is a hookup column, let’s cut this background bullshit and get to the good stuff. Bill was always trying to get with Jill, but never had a chance. Pretty funny actually considering the girl was basically looking to give head. Then her oral fixation demeanor was answered when one of my friends came to visit. We’ll call him Roger Klotz.

Remember how I said John fell in love the moment he saw Jill? Well the same thing happened to Jill with my friend. I would call it more of falling in lust though. She wanted his dick in her mouth, and she was determined to get it there.

And we all know how difficult it is to fulfill that request of a girl. However, John was none to pleased. He saw Roger was treading on his territory. He was pissed off for the rest of the night. He was cockblocking for the entire duration of the night. But it really wasn’t necessary. Jill wanted to taste my friend’s testical chowder, and John had no chance anyway, so he was basically like that nugget that just won’t go down when you are trying to flush the toilet. The damn thing just won’t go away, it just keeps coming back up.

After a few hours of trying to cockblock, he realized he had no chance of stopping the irresistible force of Jill’s mouth and the immovable object of Roger’s taters. So he did what any self-respecting guy would do, actually no he didn’t, he went and sat in the corner and pouted. Like literally. He was all pissed off and being a dick with everyone. I took the opportunity to be an asshole and fuck with him saying shit like “man Roger, you and Jill look great together” and shit like that. I just pissed him off more.

Eventually we all got tired and went to bed. But Roger, Jill and John had some other plans. Unless you missed the first part of this story, and can’t figure out what happened between Roger and Jill, I’ll just be blunt. She sucked on his wiener. And John knowing this was going on couldn’t sleep so he sat at his computer and practiced for his next game. Sound pathetic? Yeah, it is.

But the best part is, Jill blew Roger right out in the open. It wasn’t under the covers, it wasn’t in the corner, it was right there with all of us around. I mean had any of us woke up, we could have seen Roger getting his balls licked. But shit, John was up on his computer. All he had to do was turn his head and see this. It doesn’t take a genius to know what’s going on. John is now furious. He wants to be the one getting his pipes cleaned, not double clicking his mouse. To cover up the sounds of slurping and Roger’s moaning, (which I am damn sure glad I didn’t hear, because after all the last thing I want to hear is my friend’s orgasms. Ill. I once heard Paul Feuer and I haven’t been the same since) John played some music, which was none other than Limp Bizkit.

Jill finished off roger, and like a true champ, she swallowed (god bless her). But since the music was on, it was too loud for them to sleep. Hmmmmm what to do? I know, blow him again. So she did.

This time John had had enough. He turned around and saw that his love interest was sucking off Roger again. So he flipped out and ran out of the room. But it’s kind of like Forrest Gump here. He didn’t stop at the door, He ran to the end of the hall, then out of the building, then to campus, and before he knew it, the dumb asshole ran 6 fucking miles at 5 am in the morning! I’ll give you a second to comprehend what he was doing.

I know it’s hard to believe. But, he used the rationality of a girl here. He flipped out and did something totally irrational. I wonder how he decided he was going to go running? Either way his thought process was fucked up. I bet he ran into the woods somewhere and beat off.

Eventually at the ass crack of dawn he strolls back in. On a quick note, he does not shower, maybe if he had ran 7 miles he would have. Probably not though. But he walks in all happy and shit like nothing ever happened. I guess that run knocked some sense into him. But you know what, it didn’t. Because you think the tool would want to go to bed, after all he hasn’t been to bed yet. But no, he had other plans. He wanted to see how many hours in a row he could stay awake.

What an excellent idea!!!!!

Now for the next day he sat at his computer practicing all day. He found it necessary to tell me every hour that he was still up. He even called friends to tell them about his most recent task at hand. Finally after 39 hours of being awake, he passes out. Not a moment too soon either.

The next day he wakes up and tells me that he never liked Jill anyways. Yeah man, and dragon tattoos are cool. Whatever man. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Wait….no. that didn’t help him sleep at all. Poor John. Always a Brides maid and never a bride. I think he may have been 1 shower away from true love.

As for Roger and Jill, they actually fell in love and are engaged now. Wait, no they aren’t. In true hookup fashion, Roger zipped up, gave her a high five goodbye and left. And that’s that. No phone numbers exchanged, none of that shit. It was what it was, a one night suck fest. No more no less. As for John, he continued masturbating on the top bunk like no one noticed. Well everyone, its true. His true love was his hand. Jill will never have anything on his hand. Well besides a mouth.

Questions? Comments? Any girls love giving head? Because if so I am great at receiving it. Email me at Ikartz11@yahoo.com