I don’t know about you guys, but I think its bullshit that the guy is ‘supposed’ to be the one who makes the initial contact with girls. Because if there’s one thing I know about girls, they are stereotypical as hell and never hesitate to judge someone.

Girls think their shit doesn’t stink in a bar, so you damn sure better have something good to say within the first 30 seconds of meeting them, and if not, you better be damn hot to make up for it. And if you ain’t a looker, you are forever chastised by not only her, but all of her friends, because we all know she ran to her friends and told them all the bad things about you. Sometimes it can be harder to get into a girls pants than beating Vice City without any cheats. It might just be easier to skip all the talk and just walk up to girls, pull out your dick and ask if they want to have sex.

Think about it. Yes, you will most likely get slapped, and most definitely laughed at. But one girl over the course of the night will say yes. Don’t be fooled by girls, they want a good old fashioned pipe cleaning just as bad as we do; they just can’t say it because they will be labeled as ‘sluts.’ And that’s one of the words NO girl wants to be known as. But every girl wants sex; you just have to find the one that wants it just as bad as you do that night. She will be out there; you just have to find her.

But you know what? Fuck that.

See, girls always do want sex, but if that is so, why the hell do we have to always be the ones to approach them? If they’re looking for a nut just as bad as us, they should be actively attempting to be a cum dumpster just as bad as I am looking for one. I hate all this social norm bullshit with the guy courting the girl. Fuck that, I got rid of that idea along with my morals back in the summer of ’99. And no one ever knows what a girl wants to hear, let alone know anything about what a girl thinks. The thinking process of a girl is equivalent to a mental train wreck. It’s all emotions and unrealistic, irrational jargon.

Girls are fucking crazy. Every guy reading this will agree.

It would be so much easier if girls came up to the guy. I’d fall for any pick up line. Call me the wrong name, insult me, talk shit about me to your friends…I don’t care, just put out. Guys are much easier to approach. You want sex? You got it; all you gotta do is ask. Much easier than all that social norm crap. You want it? Come and get it.

Speaking of which, this reminds me of a story…

Last year I was out at the bars on a Thursday night at good ole Molly’s Pub like I normally would with a few of my friends. Nothing better than $2.50 pitchers of what they call ‘Labatt Blue.’ Even though that was bullshit, by the end of the night I was fucking destroyed off no more than $10. But that’s beside the point.

Anyways, at about 3 a.m. we all call it quits for the night and stagger home, which thankfully was only a short four blocks away. We were all going home empty handed, but oh well, better luck next time. But, little did we know that this party was just getting started.

We get home and all retire to our rooms, most likely to rub one out since we were all drunk, horny and empty handed (so to speak). But then my phone rang. It was a few girls that lived around the corner. Now I know what you’re thinking… that I got a booty call. Unfortunately I didn’t get shit that night. It was just one of my friends making an innocent drunk dial. Wait, let’s rephrase that. It was one of my friends making a drunk dial. Innocence was nowhere to be found.

So I’m talking to my friend on the phone when her roommate ‘Sweet Sapphire’ in the back ground starts yelling, “I need dick, I need dick, I need dick!” Now that was music to my ears. Unfortunately I’m the ‘we are too good of friends to hook up’ guy so I was still left empty handed. But then she continues yelling, “I need dick, Ian, where’s your roommate Tatanka?” (Tatanka has been used in place of the real name to secure identity). I think it took me about 2.63 seconds to get my ass down 2 flights of stairs to run to Tatanka’s room and wake his ass up.

Now it sounded too good to be true. He didn’t believe me at first. But she was serious. She was throwing romanticism out the window. She wanted to get laid, and she wanted it now. Eventually I convinced him that this was the real deal, and we were on our way over there. I had to go deliver his ass like UPS since he didn’t really know this girl and I had to go break the ice. I personally wanted to go to bed, but in true wingman fashion, I took one for the team and went along for the ride.

We get to their house and the four of us sit on the couch and start conversating about random shit, who knows, doesn’t matter anyway. But just to show the girl wasn’t fucking around, she fucking ordered porn.

Let me say this again, the girl ordered porn.

Nothing more comfortable than sitting in a room full of people watching porn together. Now this was classy shit. Maybe she was priming my friend so he was all horny. Which, by the way, is unnecessary, guys are always horny. Maybe she was just setting the mood. All I know is I was delivering my friend to get laid and now I’m watching some girl get her salad tossed. Yum.

Eventually the porn ended and that was my cue. I had done my job, now it was time for me to get the hell out of there. But because we were all watching porn in awe, not much conversation was occurring, so I guess it was still a little awkward for Tatanka and Sweet Sapphire. So I never had a clean break from my friend to leave him there. I was trying to leave, but what Tatanka was doing seemed a little up in the air. Certainly I didn’t bring his ass over her for them both to get cold feet did I? No way, this was not happening.

Quick to solve this situation came my friend. She saw the awkwardness and cleared the confusion real fast. She looks at them and says:

“Ian go home, Tatanka, you know what you’re here for, go upstairs with sweet Sweet Sapphire.”

We all laughed, but it damn sure cleared the air.

I took off leaving Tatanka behind.

He hit it.

She got what she wanted, and he got what I wish I were getting that night. But if I can’t get any, I’m glad I could help Tatanka get some. And it’s all because the girl wasn’t gay and waited for a guy to come around to her. She took the offense and scored better than the greatest show on turf, the St. Louis Rams.

So lesson be learned ladies. Quit being pussies and waiting around for guys to come to you. More than likely you’ll just shoot us down anyways. You know you want to get laid, so just ask. You need a dick? We’ve got one for ya right here.

Questions? Comments? Any girls want to have sex? Email me at ikartz11@yahoo.com