So the new school year just started and for all of you that are still in school, I’m sure you can agree that schoolwork sucks. God damn homework … and tests and shit. How classic is counting down the days until the weekend? Even worse, how classic is counting down the days until the next vacation? Vacations are what keep a college student sane. Even the one-day off for Yom Kippur or Columbus Day, those days mean the world to us.

However, one vacation stands out in a league of its own.

One vacation goes on the shelf of the best time you will ever have in college.

One vacation is the sinner’s sanctum.

This vacation my friends, is Spring Break.

Spring Break. What an interesting concept. Let’s look at this for a minute. It all begins about seven months in advance when you and your friends decide on a place to go. Of course it’s only you and your guy friends, because you DO NOT want to be that guy who brings along his girlfriend. And of course we all know, who can you have a better time with than your guy friends?

Okay so they don’t have tits, and can’t give you head, but you guys still know how to have fun together. Anyways, so once you pick a place to go, you drop an ass load of money to get yourself there. Were talking flight, hotel and all that random bullshit. That’s upwards of $1,000. But is it all worth it? I mean you’re going to drop a shit load of money to go get malnourished, get no sleep, swallow salt water and get sand in your ass crack.

The answer…you’re damn right it’s worth it.

So what if the only nourishment you will get for seven days is the beer you drink and the girls you go down on? And who needs sleep anyways? Totally overrated. And sand in your ass or water in your mouth is okay if you’re hooking up on the beach. Spring break is the time of your life spent with great friends. Staying up at all hours of the night drinking like the liquor is hooked up to you on an IV.

Oh wait, I almost forgot one thing. Every man who goes on spring break has his eyes on one thing.

No, not the wet t-shirt contests, although those are quite hormone inducing, I’m talking about getting some tan chick in a bikini (hopefully a thong) to let you rough her up in true spring break fashion. I’m talking one-night stands every night of the week. Thanks, nice meeting you, and have a nice life type hook-ups. No emotions involved, just straight up fucking, to be blunt. And well, since this is great moments in hookup history, I guess it’s time for a few hookup stories, spring break style.

Like most people did, me and three of my guy friends went on spring break together. This particular year, we went the cheap route and took our asses down to Daytona for some hardcore partying, and potentially some hooking up.

So I have a good, a bad and an ugly story. I guess I’ll go with the bad one first.

So, us four are at the bar and my friend spots this girl across the bar checking him out. Now there’s not much better than seeing that. I mean, you already have an in, you don’t have to worry about getting rejected because she is the one already checking you out. All you have to do is make the approach.

He quickly hid his boner (I prefer the tuck up method, I don’t know about you) and went over to her. He asked her name she said blah, blah, blah, doesn’t really matter. But anyways, it was going well, they were making out, and the next thing you know, they are missing.

Boo Bam.

Now here’s where I manage to find my way into the story. To this day I am still sorry for my actions, but hell, I was drunk, I was on spring break, fuck it.

I’m the last one to the room around 5 a.m. to see my friend puking and the girl passed out in bed. My friend crawls into bed and I’m pissed because I have nowhere to sleep. Seeing that they obviously aren’t hooking up, I push them over and I crawl into bed with them.

Oh shit, I’m actually laughing out loud to myself right now. I’m such an asshole.

Anyways, like I said, I was drunk so the party was just starting. I start talking to my other friend in the room and I’m telling him how I like to sleep naked and I usually get boners in my sleep. Keep in mind I am still in bed with my friend and his spring break girl du jour. Oh man, I’m laughing again.

So, then the girl wakes up and storms out of the room. My bad! My friend, being the nicest guy on spring break even though he didn‘t get any because he was puking, offered to walk her home. Little did he know her hotel was three miles away. As in, three miles there and three miles back.

Well, I felt like an asshole, but that didn’t keep me from sleeping easy. But man was I pissed when he walked into the room at 8 a.m. and woke us up. Asshole.

On the next night, my friend spots the girl again. So he goes up to her and talks to her. What’s the first thing she says? Not thanks or hi, but, “you’re an asshole.” I think I may have deserved that, not him. However, he was persistent and stuck by her although this night did not end the same way. What did he get to do you ask? Put it in her ass? Pearl necklace? Actually he never even got a kiss. Instead he fucking walked her home, AGAIN! Even after she called him an asshole! My friend walked 12 miles in 24 hours just for a kiss. I guess this is nowhere near a hookup, I guess I win the cockblock of the year award. But either way it is a great spring break almost hookup history.

Alright, now for the ugly. This one is actually about me. Now I‘m once again the asshole in this one because I was the guy who had the girlfriend on spring break with her friends at the same place. Now I in no way condone my behavior at all, and I still feel bad about it, but hell, it’s a hookup, and it was classic, so this must be told.

Little background, when I went down there I wanted to shop for one thing. For years I have wanted a shell necklace, and I knew Daytona would be my chance. And finally it was. I found it, I was the man. Well at least for the next few hours.

Have you ever been so drunk that you could have met Elvis and not have remembered? Well that’s about what my state of mind was. I’m walking around wasted not even knowing if my balls were hanging out or if I was drooling on myself. Anyways I run into my friend who was talking to two girls. The next thing I think I saw was him making out with the two girls at the same time. Yes, a triple kiss. Although to me it looked more like one of those kaleidoscopes with 3 bodies converging in the middle. When he’s done I look at him and give him a high five and who knows what else. Then the shit hit the fan.

He turns to me and tells me I should take sloppy seconds and kiss the girls too. Then the girls look at me and say “we’ll kiss you for your necklace.” Keep in mind the same necklace they want is the one that I wanted for years and was now on the line.

Fuck it, I didn’t know anything at that point, GAME ON. Next thing I know, two girls were swallowing my head at the same time. Spits flying everywhere, I think I may have even slipped one the deuce. Yeah it was cool and all, I think. But that’s not the classic part. As I finish, the girls reach for my necklace and who’s watching me? Elvis? No, my girlfriend’s roommate. Man was I fucked. I didn’t even know what I was doing was wrong at that point. However they let me know real fast. I sobered up real fast. Now that shit may have been a great time, although I don’t remember it. Only thing I know is I was getting reamed out and was one necklace short. But I deserved it. It does make for a great spring break hookup story, though.

Now, for one of my favorite stories. This is the one with the happy ending. Same setting, however this time we are talking to a group of girls. Things were going well.

Extremely well for one of us.

One of the girls looks at my friend and asks if he wants to go for a walk on the beach. And once again, like any man would say, he drooled, (once again the tuck up method was used) and then said yes.

So they disappear into the sunset together. The rest is history. He comes back the next morning at the ass crack of dawn. Obviously, he starts to tell about his night’s events.

Eventually he made his way back to the girl’s hotel. And by an excellent coincidence, she had a room with a hot tub. No suit? No problem. Enough small talk. They start hooking up. They’re naked, he gets a hand job and all that good stuff. But for once, the hookup isn’t the best part of this story.

When he was done getting his from this hoochie, he put his clothes on and says he has to leave. He gets ready to walk home, but she has a better idea. Now I think this may have been the nicest girl on spring break, because she offered to pay for his taxi ride back to the hotel.

Maybe my first friend should have had this idea with his girl he walked home. Or maybe he should have hooked up with this girl, you know with them both being the nicest people on spring break.

Anyways, her offer of a taxi ride included $20. However, the ride back to the hotel only costs my friend a cool 5$. So he took this hoochies money and split. Have a nice life. My friend had just been paid $15 for a handjob in a hot tub. I suppose his hookup on spring break was a little more successful than mine and my other friends. Ours just left us shopping for new walking shoes and a necklace. Ah well fuck it. It’s in the past now. But the moments still go down as classic.

Questions? Comments? Have you seen my shell necklace? If so, email me at ikartz11@yahoo.com