This article is going to be a little different from my previous articles. A remix, if you will. Typically I write about my friends having very impressive hook up stories with classic project chicks. This one however, is one of those ‘oh man I almost had her’ stories. Fuck that, it’s actually about one of my friends being a pussy and dropping the ball like Thurman Thomas in the Super Bowl. By the time you’re done reading this, you will be shaking your head at this sad, sad man.

So I’m out with my roommates at a frat party. You know, the kinds where you pay $5 to wait 45 minutes for each cup of foam in a 147-degree basement surrounded by drunk freshman tools trying desperately to hook up with any girl that is more attractive than a box of crayons (the 64 different color box with the built in sharpener, not the 16 color box). Anyways, my friend and I approach this fine-ass girl that was way out of our league and start shooting the shit with her. Maybe it was his devilish charm, or maybe it’s because the bastard never stops smiling (not by choice though, the kids got a crazy mouth, I don’t even know how to explain it), but either way, the girl was eating up everything he was saying.

Not too long later we are all ready to leave, and we say our goodbye to this girl, but goodbye was not what she had planned, more like, “I’ll see ya later.” She looks at my friend, and in the hottest, sluttiest and seductive damn voice I have ever heard, tells my friend, and I quote, “if you want, me and you can have an after party in my room tonight when I get home.” Now this could not have been hotter and more obvious if she pulled out a banana and started deep throating it while handing him a condom out of her purse. Now my friend had for real hit the jackpot. If I remember correctly, I pulled out my dick and jerked off on the ride home because this girl was so hot.

Now you would think this had the makings for an amazing porn star-esque hookup. So naturally he did what any guy who was about to rough up a hot chick would do, he rubbed one out, (god forbid you go out with a loaded gun), sprayed his manhood with cologne and set out for a night of forbidden, sinful premarital sex. You couldn’t be more wrong. Ill be honest, my friend isn’t what you would call the biggest ladies man. Now don’t get me wrong, he gets his, but I’ll be honest, he’s shyer than that creepy kid that sat in the back corner in psych 101. So he did exactly the opposite.

The first thing he did was for some reason draft a wingman. Even though he didn’t need one, he got two of our friends to go with him. Call me crazy, but three is a crowd, let alone four. Dumb ass. He basically invited two cockblocks.

Here’s where shit gets funny. So he is on his way over, with his friends of course, and he gets to her door. By now he’s nervous as shit and is sweating like it’s going out of style. But finally he knocks on the door.

Knock, Knock.

But what does he do next?

The Bitch takes off running before she even opens the door. I’m talking dead sprint out of the dorms like he was Bon Jovi being chased by Putter for a hug. Then he takes off down the stairs and runs out of the building, but his timing couldn’t have been much worse (or better depending on your point of view).

One of my favorite moments in college happened right then. Just guess who happened to be coming up the stairs to go to her room as my friend was frantically bolting down the stairs? Yeah, the girl my friend was going to meet. He literally opened the door and there she was. So naturally, he played it cool. Yeah, right. After a second of complete awkwardness, be took off running, hiding behind bushes and army crawling in the grass like it was friggin’ Viet Nam. He dropped the ball with this girl like it was nobodies business. I shouldn’t even compare him to Thurman Thomas, since he makes Thurman look good.

This is such a classic choke job. It’s not even a “what if” story, it’s a story that makes me want to kick my friend every time I think of this story. So we will call it an almost classic moment in hookup history.

Questions? Comments? Want to know who this person is? Email me at ikartz11@yahoo.com