This next story is one you yourself can experience. You can thank me later. Break this one out when you are having a dry spell and haven’t had any action in a while outside of your computer screen and your right hand, or if you are just trying to go for a personal best number of make outs in one night (the record for most make outs using this in one night is seven). But what exactly am I talking about?

Oh, nothing but just the famous “Chug and Kiss.”

The Chug and Kiss is such a simple process that even the biggest tool can pull it off, as long as you aren’t a butch ugly troll. It all begins at a bar/party. Your first step is finding a partner for the night. Typically your usual wingman will do. But make sure you find one that will take one for the team several times over the night, nonetheless, you will be doing the same. Make sure it is someone you know well so you won’t argue over who will win and whatnot (to be explained later).

Next, you look for an unsuspecting victim of a girl. Typically I go for a group of girls, since at least one will be willing to consent, as it is so classic that every group of girls has at least one member that is known as the slutty one. Those ones are usually easy to pick out as their shirts are the lowest, pants are the tightest, know how to seductively use a straw, their nipples are always hard, and they have their “I want to suck your dick look” mastered.

Now that you have your target set, its time to make your move. You and your friend approach the girl and simply ask, “would you like to be the judge of our contest?” Here’s where most girls ask what the contest is. This is the crucial point; it’s all in the explanation and you cannot falter. You have to be smooth and confident in your approach.

The contest involves you and your friend each chugging a beer, with the person who finishes their beer first getting to kiss the girl. Now if you’ve explained that and haven’t been slapped yet or laughed at, you’ll be surprised that most girls say yes. I’m talking in all the times I’ve done this; I’d say 8 out of 10 girls agree. For all you non-math majors out there, that’s an 80 percent success rate. Maybe it’s because they feel special because they get to be a “prize,” or maybe because they are just as horny as you are. Actually who really cares why they consent as long as you get yours right? Girls are usually crazy anyways so who ever knows why or how they think. Either way, the odds are good that the girl is ready, willing and able to be a hoochy for at least the next two minutes, and in our case, just another number. Even if she’s not, there is probably dozens of other girls that will be willing, all you have to do is find them. Eventually your selection skills will become very accurate, and you’ll be picking out hoochies like in “Assault” on American Gladiators.

But as for the actual contest between you and your friend, little do they know that before the contest even started, you and your friend decide who is going to lose on purpose, taking one for the team for your friend. Usually we go every other, or whoever’s turn it is gets to pick the girl they want to try, and if they buy it, good for him, if not he loses his turn and it’s your turn again. Then it kind of makes for a real contest between you and your friend where you must choose the hoochies carefully so you can see who can successfully make out with the most girls, without getting slapped, have a boyfriend want to kick your ass, or have a sexual harassment lawsuit on your hands.

What makes it an even better situation, is when it’s late in the night, and the girls are totally wasted and horny as hell and can’t even tell if your good looking or not, which is always a good thing for us as we shoot for those girls who seem out of our league (God Bless beer goggles, by the way). Because it is this time when you can even play with empty beer bottles. Now that shit is classic. Fuck spending all your money on beer after beer. Eventually your money is gone, and you’re still ready to hookup. You never know after all, because a solid make out could always lead to a good old-fashioned ball licking. So it gets down to your sitting there chugging no beer, yet have a beer to your lips, and the girl is sitting there getting her panties all in a bunch waiting to make out like there is no tomorrow, and is all the while none the wiser. Gotta love dumb girls.

Now I bet you’re thinking this doesn’t work. Well you would be damn wrong. No bullshit aside, I saw my roommate win with seven make outs in one night. And yes it even works on hot girls. I don’t personally go for boot nasty girls, I go for the hot ones, and so I know personally that it works on the hot girls.

One of my personal favorite moments of it was when my roommate approached these extremely hot girls and tried to go for it, although they just laughed in his face and walked away. He didn’t care, he had already made out with like four girls that night. But then out of no where, the girl and her friend grab him, turn him around, grab his face and triple kiss him in the middle of the bar. No contest necessary. Every person around saw, and the girls just walked away never to be seen again. The crowd clapped for him. Quite the entertaining, and jealous moment we all had.

Now I’m telling you, you don’t have to believe me here. Just go out and try it yourself. When times are tough and you haven’t hooked up in forever and a minute, pull this one out. It WILL work. And have no shame, go up to some of the hotter girls at the bar. You wont regret it.

Question? Comments? Want to send thank you notes for the chug and kiss? Email me at ikartz11@hotmail.com