By the by, my fellow Zubazkateer Paul Cancun made some good points, and I agree with him on many of them (especially re: those fucks at Starbucks). However, tipping with regards to professions that deserve it is a lost art form these days. Sad indeed. What follows are some thoughts and/or personal guidelines. Use them how you will.**

*-That was a joke. This is not: if you tip with coins, you deserve to have your own butt peed in.

**- and by that, I just mean use them.

- To keep in mind at all times: This is a person’s occupation, how they support themselves. In the case of wait-persons, their hourly wage is very small, well below minimum wage (In other cases, delivery drivers, bartenders, etc, the hourly isn't quite a small, but nowhere near enough). Second of all, not only are they working for themselves, they are working for you as well, allowing you to not do something you, god forbid, would have otherwise had to do for yourself. Your tip should reflect this. Personally, for a two-person meal at an average restaurant, my absolute MINIMUM is 5 dollars. With bartenders, a minimum of a dollar should be requisite (Note: with bars, where multiple opportunities arise for tippage, it’s OK to skip once, as long as you double up next time) .

- As I see it (From a “horse” much higher than you), delivery drivers should be tipped best of all. In the case of restaurants and bars, we still have to do some work - dress ourselves, go to the bar. In the case of delivery, our workload is reduced to operating a telephone, and being there. Delivery drivers allow us to be the laziest of all tipped professions, and should be thusly rewarded.

- As far as performance-based tipping, I agree with larger tips for increased performance. However, I don't usually subscribe to smaller tips for lackluster service, except in extreme cases. Most of the time, the lackluster service is not directly the fault of person receiving the tip. Many extraneous factors, out of the control of said person, usually contribute to this. The cook could have been backed up, traffic might have sucked, etc. Additionally, from time to time, humans do make mistakes. Think about your job. Have you ever forgotten anything, or messed something up, or been late? Did you only get paid half because of it? Do you see my point? To err is human, but to be allowed laziness, divine.

Bottom line: Don't be a cheapass. If you can't afford to leave a decent tip, hit up your refrigerator.

However, let it also be said the tenants of the aforementioned professions: As your customers, lazy as we may be, we deserve a minimum of professional courtesy. I'm not asking for spirited conversation or a handjob or anything. Hell, you don't even have to smile. But don't, under any circumstances, glare Dismissed.

Comments? Tips? “I heart the Judo Madonna” in black Sharpie across your chest? Swank2199@aol.com

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