We, as a collective, are indeed in troubling times. Nuclear threats are as real as ever. Our nation is locked in what is essentially a war of attrition. Some of the most deadly viruses still have no cure. Unemployment is spiraling out of control. The national debt is so high, they’ve had to make up words for it. The Religious Right has a stranglehold on the government ...

However, it is this writer’s opinion, that our most troubling crisis to date is the sad state of women’s fashion.

It’s downright scary to think about. Has our collective intelligence dipped so low that we just accept the trends, and don’t even listen to (or look at) common sense?

Now, I’ll be the first to admit, I’m a guy, and I have no sense of style. However, I am a very avid people-watcher, I’m always on the look-out for future ex-Mrs. JudoMadonnas, and I’d like to think that I am a pretty good judge of what looks stupid, and ladies, I won’t lie, it’s looking pretty grim.

Big, Outlandish Boots.
I must say, there is a fine line here. Tall boots with a skirt or dress command a certain degree of class, and in the right situation, they can be downright sexy. However, I don’t care what any designer or fashion expert may tell you, if you tuck your pants into your giant boots, you look like Napoleonette Dynamite. Gosh. If you cuff your jeans directly above the top of your boots, you look like a socially retarded fisherman.

And, while not always 100% true, chances are, if your boots are furry, people see Corky from Life Goes On when they look at you.

Pink is NOT the new red.
When I see pink, I see “easy”, and so does everyone else. Don’t get me wrong, pink has it’s place: socks, underwear, and swimsuits.

“My vagina looks like a roast beef sandwich”

Jeans and Skirts
Lately, I’ve seen a lot of women wearing jeans underneath a skirt, dress, or some other similar type of hanging thing. What is up with this? Skirts and jeans are both fully capable of being sophisticated and/or hot by themselves. Why combine them? You look like a train wreck.

“Slutty” does NOT equal “hot”
Now, I’m a straight guy, and I won’t lie, I like a little bit of T, as well as a little bit of A, but lately, it’s just gotten out of hand. It’s good to show some leg, and cleavage too, but this is a very subtle art. You show too much, and you just ended up looking “used”, akin to an old pair of shoes. If you’re going to go to the club with your snootch hanging out the bottom of your mini-skirt, then you can’t complain that “all guys are assholes”. Try a tight pair of jeans. You’ll be amazed at the results.

“guttersluts give the best fashion advice!”

The Coin Slot
Seriously. Wear a belt. Pull up your pants. Try a thong. 4 out of 5 frat boys agree, seeing a thong hanging out the top of your pants is exponentially hotter than the female take on “plumbers’ crack”.

Insert Coin

But seriously, I don’t mean to hate. Girls of the world, relax. I love each and every one of you. It’s just that, in the words of John Kerry, “you can do better.”

If you want to make your case against me, you can send pictures to the archive here and I will post them in all their glory in a future article.

Comments? Questions? Corky at your bachelor/ette party? thejudomadonna@gmail.com