Quite recently, I went back to school.

Midway through my junior year of college, Fun made an outstanding case against college by sitting on my face. Resolved not to be one of “those guys1,” I entered a brief hiatus from the college scene to hang out with my new friend. About midway through last year, all my friends started graduating and/or getting “real” jobs (interestingly enough, their average salary seemed inversely proportional to the time they spent in college.) Feelings of impending loserdom ( I promise that’s a word.) washed over yours truly, so I did the only sensible thing, and started drinking heavily. Midway through September, I had what alcoholics refer to as “a moment of clarity,” and re-enrolled in school.

1- “That Guy wouldn’t know Fun if it sat on his face!”

My freshman year was spent at a medium sized university, with a spectacular basketball team. I came from a small suburb where there were less than 100 in my graduating class, and only three minorities in the entire school system, so needless to say, freshman year of college was a little bit scary (in addition, through a clerical error, I wound up in the upperclassmen dorms. Have you ever met an upperclassman that lives in the dorms? Didn’t think so. These kids were lamer than I was, and as a result, I didn’t have anything even remotely crazy happen2, and have no amusing anecdotes to tell about my dorm experience). Intimidated by all of this, I ditched my scholarship, jumped ship, and moved to another college town in my great3 home state of Ohio. Fearing size is what scared me at UC, I enrolled in a small community college. After a few quarters, I found it no more or less stupid than a state school, which is when Fun came knocking at my door, and we went out to play.

2-Like my one friend Dan, his roommate pooped his pants when he was on a date, so he took her back to the dorm, and left her in the lobby, oblivious, while he went upstairs, took a shower, left his shitty drawers on the floor, and resumed date. needless to say, he didn’t get any. Or Becker’s roommate, who got drunk, hijacked a nearby bulldozer, and crashed it in the dorm and got expelled.

3-This is a usage of the word “great” that you probably weren’t previously aware of.

So this time, I figured, maybe I hadn’t gone big enough from the start, so I enrolled in the pride of Ohio, a school which frequently tops the list for “Biggest Nationwide” (and incidentally, the only U in the country where “The” is officially recognized in the school’s name, which was covered in orientation, more on that in a few sentences.)

So with my acceptance back to school, and my Grandma paying off my credit card (and she’s only four feet tall, how can you not love that?!) the cloak of loserkind fell from my shoulders. But wait, what’s this? I can’t register for classes until I attend an orientation session?

I certainly am adequately equipped to find my way around college after three years of having done it, and it brings serious doubts to mind as to the kind of people they let in this alleged “prestigious” university.

Upon attending, I learned nothing that I couldn’t have figured out for myself. In addition, my suspicions were further confirmed that even dumbasses can get into college.

During the orientation lecture which covered the parking situation, a young man asked if there was anything different one must do to park a motorcycle on campus. A valid question indeed, and it was dutifully answered.

Immediately after, a strong contender for Biggest Douche in the Universe asked. “What about a Vespa?”

My body was wracked with spasm as I fought the nigh-overwhelming urge to fashion a shiv of my #2 pencil, and stab the impuritor in the jaw. However, my faith in humanity, as well as the university, was slightly restored when the orator answered, “Does it have a motor? Is it a car? Ok, it’s motorcycle. We’ve already covered that. Vespas are for tards, and you’re not cool.”

Highlighting the end of all the schlock, was me getting to sit down an advisor, and schedule some classes. Of course, being a transfer student, I got the shaft when it came to priority, even lower than the freshman. I came out with three classes, none of which had anything to do with my major, but I needed to graduate, so a victory nonetheless.

Music of the World

This was in the music building, in a small auditorium. Two giant projector screens hung down, along with a vast array of speakers. The professor entered, a small man in what I would assumed to be, his mid to late 60’s. He spoke with a very thick Dutch(!) accent, and offered no introduction, merely “Hello. I would like to give you an example of world music.” What followed on the projector screens was some spastic Japanese performance done by 16 super hot barely legal Japanese teens, at an ear-bleeding volume. Sensory overload at noon, much less at 9 a.m. when I was attending the class. Three of the students appeared to have seizures.

American- History 1600-1800

In the professor’s introduction, he mentioned that history was, for him, “like a movie that came out several years ago. I see dead people. I see dead people, and through history, they come to life for me. It’s fascinating.”

I left early.

Mythology in Classic Literature

I wouldn’t be as upset with this one, if I had taken it as an elective. But no, this is something I was required to take. It seemed like it would be kind of interesting.

Let me sum up the first lecture for you:

In the beginning there was Gaia, Mother Earth. She gave virgin birth to Uranus, the God of Earth. In those times, Earth and Sky were not yet separate, so Gaia and Uranus were in a state of constant sex. 12 children were conceived, but because of unending penetration4, they could not travel down the birth control. Mother Earth somehow gave one of the children, Cronus, a sickle, while he was in the womb, so the next time Uranus thrusted inside, Cronus castrated him. This is what caused the separation of Earth and Sky. After that, he threw the Cash and Prizes into the oceans, where during the flight, drops of blood fell to the earth, and sprang up as giants and Cyclopses (cyclopi?). Then, Cronus started doinking his sister, but he was so afraid of his kids killing him that, as each of six kids were born, he ate them.

I ask you, who could make that shit up?! Relevant as all hell, too….oh wait.

4-Say it to yourself. “Unending penetration.” Kinda rolls off the tongue, eh?

Recitation – Mythology in Classic Literature

Ok, maybe this one won’t be so bad. I walk in, to hear my TA talking about how the Steelers were going to surprise everyone and beat the Colts. My kinda guy. The class contains roughly 20 kids. 18 girls, me, and Sasquatch.

Score.

Maybe this quarter won’t be so bad after all.

Threats? Sex? Communist propaganda? thejudomadonna@gmail.com