I just don’t get Kathy Griffin.

Do you?

Does anyone?

Has any homosapien ever uttered the words, “I enjoy the humor of Kathy Griffin!” or even “I enjoy the humor of Kathy Griffin.” for that matter?

This is something that has bothered me for quite some time. Ever since this red-headed hellbeast first surfaced on “Suddenly Susan,” or as I like to call it, “The Decline of Human Civilization,” her presence has caused me excruciating pain.

How does she have a job in entertainment? How does she keep getting jobs in entertainment? Does her vagina have rows of razor sharp teeth like a Great White Shark? These questions and more haunt my mind whenever I see her dilapidated face on the TV screen.

When she first became popular some 10 years ago, I figured she would come and go like so many before her. She was nothing more than your classic sassy sidekick, thrown on a show to play the role that TV executives have made a staple in their programming for some unholy reason. The bio on her website describes the "Suddenly Susan" character as “acerbic,” but I think “flesh-eating” would work better.

Diana Ross’ face shrivels in the presence of Griffin

Apparently, she was a comedian (and still is) prior to becoming a TV regular, but she has always come across as painfully unfunny to me. And by painfully unfunny I don’t mean like “Mind of Mencia” painfully unfunny, although that guy is so bad that he could drive me to become a person that crucifies dogs. Griffin on the other hand, actually causes shooting pain in every one of my joints. And that’s just PHASE 1. By the time she is off the screen, I look like Jack Nicholson in The Shining when he starts to lose it. My brain is effectively shot.

If there are fans of Kathy Griffin out there, it is news to me, because I have never met one live in the flesh. These are the kind of people that probably live in sewers though, joined together in a pseudo-leper colony with slime dripping out of their pores.

The only thing these freaks are fit for is a mass grave. Get a Big Cat and shovel ‘em in.

Most recently, you can find Griffin in the cancer-inducing commercials for Sierra Mist with other schmucks like Michael Ian Black and the black chick from the Third Reich—er, Mad TV. Just typing out “Mad TV” causes my heart to seize up, so we’ll stay away from that topic until the medical technology is ready to handle the worst case of Cardiac Arrest ever. Come to think of it, I’m actually shocked that Griffin was never on Mad TV with the rest of those no-talent hacks.

When you see Griffin these days, it’s not the same creature that existed in the 90’s. Due to many complications from plastic surgery and Lasik eye surgery, she is more robot than human now, and that is something that frightens me greatly. This Cyborg will undoubtedly live until the year 2247, and will haunt the Earth for longer than any human can stand.

A pair of cyborgs plan WORLD DOMINATION

I'm sorry, but Regis Philbin is going to sidetrack me here for just a moment. I just want to say one thing:

Can you imagine REGIS PHILBIN having sex (and wow, what a name)?

Try.

Missionary, Doggie-Style, Chick on Top, it does not matter because it is impossible to imagine.

Back on topic. Sorry.

Griffin is like the Terminator in the original film at this point, but I fear that as technology improves, so too will the Griffin model. Right now, if you fired a bazooka at her face, the blast would only remove her plastic flesh, revealing her death eye and the robotic exoskeleton beneath. To finish her off at this juncture, we will need a lava pit like in T2. Tricking her in to it however, would be quite difficult. She’s a wily Borg, and it would take a superhuman effort to finish her off.

Behold the Death Eye!

This must be taken care of NOW. She is already on her way to becoming like the female cyborg in Terminator 3, tricking penises all over America into wanting to take a dip.

Do NOT be tricked by the powers of plastic surgery and photoshop airbrushing

This is a travesty of epic proportions, as we all know that any trip to her nether regions would end in becoming a Eunuch. Not to mention the loss of any semblance of humanity, because only god knows what kind of creature is supposed to mate with Griffin. It can’t be anything humanoid, that’s for sure.

Maybe John Olerud, but that’s a story for another day.

Griffin and Olerud, a Borg match made in Heaven … or in Planet Zevoid Sector 9 if you want to get technical

The origins of Griffin are pretty much unknown, as she could not have been born by any type of human. No, it was probably more similar to how the aliens in the Alien films come to be. I would imagine “The Company,” being NBC in the parallel I am drawing here, wanted to grow another of these redheaded weapons of mass destruction after the success of the first on “Newsradio.”

Kathy Griffin, Version 1.0

This one had to be more powerful though, so they took the guy who played “Sam” on the cancelled “Single Guy” show and exposed him to a facehugger which would lay the Griffin eggs inside of him.

Sam (douche in center with funny hair) was no longer needed after the cancellation

This diagram shows exactly how the procedure went on poor Sam.

RIP

The eggs were laid and eventually the beast we know as Kathy Griffin burst out of Sam’s chest like shown in the next picture …

Grisly, I know. But you have to know what we’re dealing with here with this Kathy Griffin. We’ve allowed her to make it this far in the world, but it is now time to put our foot down as a collective society.

I’d try to rouse you with a speech like the one Bill Pullman gave in Independence Day, but that has already been done in an article here by one Isaac Cass.

So, let me just say this.

If we allow Kathy Griffin to go on at this pace she is at, she will destroy the very fabric of our society. She will tear this Earth in half and become the eater of children and souls that she is destined to become. The beautiful world we know will cease to exist, and in its place will be a world where the streets are lined with red blood, and red flames will be where blue water once was, and red hair will be the only color you see on anyone’s head.

We CANNOT let this happen!

We WILL NOT let this happen!

We MUST stamp out Kathy Griffin NOW!

For the children, for the future, for everything you hold dear in your heart.

Please join me in this crusade, the world is counting on you …

Questions or comments? E-mail Jim at BuffaloByrne@gmail.com or better yet, come to the FORUM and talk about it