Again, with this installment of “Weird Shit,” my mind travels back to my childhood, a place where you will find that most of these episodes took place.

What can I say, I’m still fascinated by the 80s and early 90s, and probably always will be. I think it’s safe to say that there will NEVER be another time like it, and maybe we’re better as a society for it. Why? Because it was really fucking weird. A good weird, but weird nonetheless.

Think of all the oddities that crawled out of that era. You need a heavy-duty floodgate to hold them all back. And then there are another 1,000 that you have forgotten for the 100 that you actually remember.

Case in point

If you’re reading this, you’re probably a part of my generation, a group of kids that grew up amongst the unholy madness. It’s all we knew as we took in the world, and has really formed who we are today.

But enough of that, let’s get down to today’s specific topic for this installment of “Weird Shit.”

The play, “Cats.”

Now, first off I want to say that I have never actually seen the play, nor did I ever really want to. I mean, Jesus, who would want to, especially when they were younger? The commercials for Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “masterpiece” creeped the hell out of me, and I heard that the “cats” came into the audience and harassed the theatergoers during the production. I know for a fact that I would have had nightmares for months if one of these creepy fucks came up to me in the audience when I was a youngin.

Yep, I definitely would have pissed or shat my pants.

Forget that though, I’m going to get nightmares from just looking at all of these pictures while putting this article together. Guh! Looking at these sickos makes me want to take a shower while using a brillo pad as a loofa just to get all the poison off.

Sadly, even though this play is clearly sick and twisted, it is beloved by millions out there. Obviously, those that got their shits and giggles out of “Cats” have severe issues, but the fact still remains that this nightmare-inducing show lasted on Broadway for fucking ever. Until recent years, it was actually the longest running play on Broadway!

Chew on this for a moment. 6,138 showings of “Cats” were performed on Broadway. If you assume 1,000 people went to every show, that’s 6.1 million people that endured this celebrated insanity. There are 6.1 million people out there who had their brains permanently TWEAKED by “Cats.” And god help them, because that is a tweaking that is surely damn near impossible to undo.

6.1 million people had their brains seared by this image

I remember seeing the commercials for it when I was a kid, with a tune in the background going, “Oh well, the CATS are WONDERFUL! (or something like that)” all the while kids and adults alike were embracing the cast members who were still in full Cat garb after the show. Me and my brother thought this was hilarious, but I don’t doubt that he woke up in the middle of the night in a cold, shivering sweat just like I did.

There is no God

Besides that bugged out commercial, there was another that I remember vividly featuring the “Cats” doing bizarre cat-like thinks while what I presumed was the boss cat rose to the top on some levitating platform all the while an ominous song played in the background.

The boss rises over his minions

Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see the intrigue in this play. I’m not a big “play” guy in the first place, but this one just seems way too out there. But I specifically remember kids in school talking about this crap and loving the shit out of it.

These “kids” however, were the “drama kids.” Yeah, you knew them in your school too. Every school had them. What they were was a collection of the most pretentious douchebags in your school system. They thought they were soooooo cool because they went to see Broadway plays and listened to faggy showtunes on their yellow Sony walkmans. Good god did they make me want to vomit. They still do. They’d prance around school singing the theme to “Guys and Dolls” or some shit, practicing for their big moment in the school play at the end of the year.

I imagine that these pricks filled up the audience at each showing of “Cats.” They are the only people that could turn a Ricky Williams acid trip into a long-running hit on Broadway. Only pretentious drama kids could rationalize grown men and women dressing up in so-called “cat” costumes.

Only these assholes could glorify what my personal hell would look like.

If I ever end up seeing this, I’ll know I did something horribly wrong in life

Seeing as how I didn’t know much about this play before I began writing this, I did a little research just to see what the point of all of this was.

From Wikipedia: “While CATS is often criticized for its lack of plot, it does have a minimal story used to string its musical numbers together. CATS tells of a particular English feline tribe, the Jellicles[2], who have come together for their annual Jellicle Ball at a junkyard to make the Jellicle Choice and announce the cat who can be reborn. Each cat "auditions" with a different song and/or dance number. Some minor complications involving the abduction of the Jellicle patriarch, Old Deuteronomy occur before a cat is chosen.”

…

What is there to say about that, I mean, really? I’m speechless here. English feline tribe? Jellicles? OLD DEUTERONOMY?!? The afteraffect of seeing this show must be similar to that of taking a big ass hit off of a crack pipe. You have to be burnt out for days, mumbling jibberish about Jellicles, Deuteronomy and people dressed as cats eventhough they just look like perverts in ratty clothes.

Why so many strings?

The play also includes Cats named The Magical Mr. Mistoffelees, Grizabella and Bustopher Jones, who is described as “a fat cat, a '25 pounder.' Dresses in a snappy tuxedo and spats. Respected by all, as the upper class "St James' Street Cat.”

Bustopher Jones

Yeah.

I really don’t know what else to say about this topic. I guess the main jist of this piece is that if you like/liked CATS, you’re an asshole. I’m sorry, but anyone that pops wood mentally over this …

… needs to be shot dead in the street.

It’s people dressed as Cats, all right? And they dance around like assholes and sing retarded songs. That’s it. That’s the show. I don’t even need to see it to judge it. I know it sucks, and I know people that saw it and loved it suck. And if they don’t suck, they are mentally impaired. They get their kicks out of seeing people dressed up like this:

Is there really any more you need to know?

This play probably runs on loop in George W. Bush’s head, and I think that’s why the world is so fucked up now. He probably did a few lines of coke in the 80s, and went to go see this with Laura (you can easily see her as a big fan) and his mind has been permanently tweaked even since. Hey, I can’t blame the man, I’d probably need to be shot up with mescaline to make it through Cats.

Or maybe just shot in the head.

Either way.

Questions or comments? A fan of Cats? E-mail me at BuffaloByrne@gmail.com. Or you can hit us up at the FORUM to get into a heated discussion of Cats.