Fat and bald.

Usually in life, when you are a combination of those two things, the ball will not bounce the way you want it to. Whether you are trying to squeeze in the middle seat on a 747, pick up a girl at the local bar or get that job you always wanted, this duo of despair will generally lead to disappointment.

But not in the curious world of television.

No, in the domain of TV, fat, bald men tend to do all right.

We all know of the success of such luminaries as Jason Alexander from “Seinfeld,” and Fatman of “Jake and the Fatman” fame. But they are just general fat and bald men, fat and bald men that are few of a plethora of the great breed that has graced television sets for so long now.

Whoever thought of naming this guy “Fatman” hit the nail right on the head

Today, I want to take a closer look at the fat, bald fathers that have dominated my entire life of television watching. You can say that I have a hang up on this subject, but oh what a hang up it is. These men cannot escape my eyes. I am drawn to their fatness, baldness, fatherness and what thankfully seems to be a never ending supply of their jolly selves.

In their honor, I have decided to dedicate this column to all that is them, for they have brought countless joy into the lives of all involved.

So, sit back, relax, grab a twinkie and shave a horseshoe bald spot into your head, because we are about to embark on a trip down memory lane.

Note: Homer Simpson was excluded because The Simpsons are the equivalent to AIDS nowadays. We must purge them from our society as soon as possible.

Coach Graham T. Lubbock

“My god, what is this creature?”
-Jim Byrne circa 1992 while watching a re-run of “Just the Ten of Us”

Of all the characters in “Growing Pains” that they chose to create a spin-off world around, Coach Graham T. Lubbock might have been the third or fourth choice to the prognosticator. When you have the likes of one Leonardo DiCaprio on your show, or even a character that was so eloquently named … “Boner,” Lubbock would obviously have been on the backburner when it came to creating a new fictional world for.

Just look at the man.

”I created this mess with my chubby wanker,” said Lubbock

He screams “pork rinds for breakfast, lunch and dinner.” Why create a show about this fat slob with the grating voice? Obviously, it is because he is fat and bald, and would make for the perfect prototype of a man with Super Sperm. What am I getting at you ask? Well, the show was named “Just the Ten of Us,” although I always counted 13.

This guy fucked his wife more furiously than Kevin Spacey does to the prostitute in Se7en.

I can just see Lubbock on top of his wife, doing the “Christian Bale Flex” from American Psycho, and shouting “how about ‘Just the 17 of Us?’ I loooooove how that sounds. Aw, suki, suki!”

Nauseating, right? They must have had real sickos running the ship at ABC back in 1988-90. Who else besides a tried and true pervert would allow the public to believe that Lubbock was a bonafide Sex Maniac?

I bet they even had an episode written where Lubbock had sex with the basketball in the main logo of the show by cutting a hole in it and inserting his overly robust penis into it. That was probably a bit too risqué though.

An innocent logo, or the victim of a heinous sex crime?

Carl Winslow

Another show born from the loins of an ABC hit, “Family Matters” fell out of the uterus of Larry and Balki’s “Perfect Strangers” in 1989 and ran for many agonizing years until Old McDonald put a bullet in-between Stefan Urkel’s eyes in 1998.

Known mostly for a host of douchebag characters such as Geri Curl Richie, a girl named “Judy” that disappeared after one season, some dickhead named Waldo Geraldo Faldo, the sweet-ass slit in Eddie Winslow’s haircut, a robot Urkel and a puppet Urkel that had rough mansex with each other, “Family Matters” was the epitome of all that was wrong with America.

That is, except for the shining beacon of light that was Carl Winslow.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Reginald VelJohnson.

I’m speechless when merely looking at a picture of this man. The rumors suggest that good ol’ Reginald is gay, but can you blame the chap? Why don’t you try getting your schlong up for Harriet Winslow … it is a Herculean task. That women has a face only a mother could love and probably smells like a wildebeest. It is amazing that Carl was even able to pop out one kid, let alone two and a pseudo-ghost. God have mercy on his soul.

On a side note, IMDB says that Reginald “commonly plays a police officer in movies and TV shows” (no shit) and that he “Enjoys singing and dancing in his free time.”

Cough, cough.

Aw, that’s mean

The Dad from the Adventures of Pete and Pete

For years I thought that this man, known only as “Dad” on “The Adventures of Pete and Pete,” was the same person as Coach Graham T. Lubbock. After all, they were both fat, bald and white. But much to my dismay, after conducting a long and lengthy MATH problem (see you can use it in real life) to figure out this problem, I discovered that in actuality, they have a different face.

As you may have guessed, my world was somewhat crushed by this discovery. To top it off, they probably have different weenies too, but I did not want to venture down the vile road that created the two unholy red-headed stars from “Pete and Pete.”

So be it.

Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

Uncle Philip Banks

The only good thing to come out of “The Fresh Prince of Bel Air” was the scene where DJ Jazzy Jeff would get thrown out of the house in a hilarious fashion. It was always the same cut and it was always hilarious. HA HA HA, I am laughing about it right now!

So, then, why do I want to talk about the fat and bald mess that is Uncle Phil Banks?

Only for this reason …

When the evil Philip Banks attacks … ?

Yes, it is true, Banks did the voice for Shredder in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. Don’t believe me? Check for yourself on IMDB. You will also find that James Avery is Banks’ real name and that he likes to go snorkeling. Picture that and try not to shudder.

But back to the Shredder situation.

Going back and watching TMNT now leaves me in stitches, because all I can do is picture Banks in the studio saying things like “Technodrome,” “Krang,” “Tonight I dine on Turtle Soup,” and “Hey Bebop, do you want to double team April O’Neil with me? I shotgun her ass!”

Oh Banks, you dog, you!

Well, that about does it for my trip down memory lane with the fat, bald fathers of our time. I hope you enjoyed it and I hope that I did not get too sidetracked along the way … I leave you with a parting gift of a great, fat, bald TV Dad that was disqualified for being too reptilian … well, at least a picture of me wearing a t-shirt of him.

Questions or comments? Anymore fat and bald TV dads? E-mail me at BuffaloByrne@gmail.com