Writer’s bloc is a bitch, ain’t it?

You come up with all of these half-assed concepts for a column, each one dumber than the next, and then eventually you just open up Word and try to force something out. Like I’m doing right now.

“Ok, go,” you say to yourself as you begin to type. “Write!”

But either nothing happens, or you end up writing something like, “Writer’s bloc is a bitch, ain’t it?” or “Captain Planet was a wacky show, that dude had a green mullet!”

Sigh.

It is literally painful. My hands and arms hurt, and my brain feels like it has a screwdriver jammed into it. You try to shake it off, but nothing works.

But then it hits you.

“Yes!” you say. “That’s it, I’ll have Mishkin from the Nintendo 64 Goldeneye game write my column for me! Genius!”

And then you let that fucker take over …

Why hello everybody, it’s your favorite Ruskie, the lovable Mishkin. You may know from such Nintendo 64 games as Goldeneye. And yes, it is true, we won a 1998 Player’s Choice Award for that effort! Oh, please, you’re too much! Sit down, please, aw you guys are the best!

But in all seriousness now. I have come here tonight to talk about the two words in the Russian vocabulary that everybody should know. Yes, you guessed it, Glasnost and Perestroika. You see, maybe you learned this stuff in your fifth grade social studies class, but if I learned anything from Rocky IV’s version of Mikha—

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there jack. Mmmyes, slow down.

Nyet! Who in the hell do you think you are? You can’t just barge in here and disrupt my sermon on Glasnost and Perestroika. This is important business!

Mmmyou’re just going to have to go, you’re boring the audience with your terrible excuse for a column.

Hey buddy, you better direct your barbs towards me, because after all, Mishkin is just my puppet, and I am the ventriloquist. If you will, that is.

Oh, please. We’re just here trying to bring some entertainment to the mmmZubazPants.com crowd out there. You’ve really been slacking lately.

Hey man, nobody likes you when your 23, all right? I’m stuck in a weird limbo right now.

Uhh huh, did you just quote Blink 182? Huh huh.

Mmmahahahahaah! What a TOOL!

And who in the fuck are you?

Mmmthat’s my partner in crime, Nurminov. Don’t you remember? You signed me—Stuart Totts—and Nurminov to a writing deal a few months ago. I guess you haven’t gotten around to redesigning the site though have you?

Hey man, it’s not that easy, all right? That kind of shit takes time!

Uhhh huh, whatever man. The ladies out there have been dying for our advice column. Why won’t you give us our spot to write? Huh, huh? The ladies love me man, c’mon!

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know. All in good time, OK?

Uhhh huh … whatever dude. In the meantime, we brought a real crowd pleaser to take this column over. You just ain’t cutting the mustard anymore, pal-io. This man is gonna rejuvenate ZubazPants.com. I think that you should even give him his own column uhhh huh.

Who the fuck are you talking about, you weird looking schmuck?

Don’t talk to my associate that way. You should be lucky that we’ve graced your column with our presence and even let you stick around this long. You’re a real crowd killer, you know that?

Yeah man, uhhh huh, a real crowd killer … well, without further ado, ladies and gentleman … the one, the only …

BILLY JOEL!!!

Thank you very much! It’s great to see you again! Let’s get this started with everybody’s favorite …

Well I'm on the Downeaster "Alexa," And I'm cruising through Block Island Sound, I have charted a course to the Vineyard, But tonight I am Nantucket bound

We took on diesel back in Montauk yesterday, And left this morning fromthe bell in Gardiner's Bay, Like all the locals here I've had to sell my home, Too proud to leave I worked my fingers to the bone

So I could own my Downeaster "Alexa," And I go where the ocean is deep, There are giants out there in the canyons, And a good captain can't fall asleep

I've got bills to pay and children who need clothes, I know there's fish out there but WHERE GOD ONLY KNOWS

They say these waters aren't what they used to be, But I've got people back on land who count on me

So if you see my Downeaster "Alexa," And if you work with the rod and the reel, Tell my wife I am trolling Atlantis, And I still have my hands on the wheel

Now I drive my Downeaster "Alexa," More and more miles from shore every year, Since they told me I can't sell no stripers, And there's no luck in swordfishing here

I was a bayman like my father was before, Can't make a living as a bayman anymore, There ain't much future for a man who works the sea, But there ain't no island left for islanders like me

NA NA NA NAAAAAAA, OHHHHHH!

NA NA NA NAAAAAAA, OHHHHHH!

NA NA NA NAAAAAAA, OHHHHHHOHAOHOA!

Did everybody leave? Can I have my column back now? … Ah, fuck it. Writer’s bloc is a bitch, ain’t it?

Questions or comments? Worst thing you have ever read? E-mail me at BuffaloByrne@gmail.com