Well, Terry Schiavo is dead, and I have to say that I am quite pissed off.
Couldn’t she have waited a few more days? Her untimely death ruined a short piece I was going to write, which was going to start off with me saying “DIE TERRI, DIE,” and then making a reference to the time a fan brought a “DIE X-PAC, DIE” sign to a WWF show. Being the commentator that supported the “heels,” or “bad guys” for you wrestling savants out there, Jerry “The King” Lawler made an excuse for X-PAC, saying that the sign meant “THE X-PAC, THE” in Latin. I always thought that was hilarious.
But, Terri is dead now. Oh well. Maybe now the country and media will obsess about things that are a little more urgent. Like the war in Iraq. Or the natural disaster-ravaged Indonesia. Or the Michael Jackson Trial.
I think we found a winner.
* * *
Oh, fuck you.
* * *
This is something people have been bitching about for quite some time, and although it may be a sad thing to say, it must be done.
There comes a time in life when a dog gets old and you have to put it out of its misery. You love that dog so damn much, but you just can’t stand to see it in the painful state that it is in, so you know that the right thing must be done.
You have to put that dog down.
Homer Simpson in happier times
That time has come for Homer J. Simpson and the rest of The Simpsons crew. Actually, that time came when I was still in high school some five years ago, but now there is a desperate need for the deed to be done.
Someone has to take Homer out back behind the shed, put him on his knees, pull out the shotgun, and put a bullet in his head.
It’s been over. Let’s end the misery already, please?
* * *
I have a question.
The music world keeps normal music and country music separate, right? I mean, they are put on different television channels and kept apart on the radio stations, correct? Generally speaking, fans of normal music do not like hickish country music, and vice versa.
Then why does ESPN insist on featuring NASCAR on their programs like SportsCenter? I just do not understand the logic behind this. Yeah, yeah, I know, NASCAR is the “fastest growing sport” and all, but most fans of real sports do not enjoy watching hicks drive their cars around in a circle a kajillion times. I know that whenever I see a NASCAR feature come on SportsCenter, I immediately switch the channel.
This probably has something to do with ESPN selling its soul a long time ago, but I digress.
Could we please keep NASCAR separate from things like football, basketball and baseball? You don’t see rap/country channels, so why do we have NBA/NASCAR channels? It just doesn’t make sense.
And on a side note, if our country is going through such an energy crisis when it comes to oil, then why are we blatantly wasting fuel by driving high-powered cars around racing tracks at obscene speeds? That’s a little wasteful, isn’t it?
* * *
If you aren’t excited about Batman Begins, then you must have no soul. It’s like the producers of the film took a look at the last installment, Batman and Robin (perhaps the worst movie in the history of movies … yes, worse than Problem Child 2) and decided to make a movie that was exactly the opposite of that celluloid abortion.
Needless to say, I am pumped like Jason Giambi after an anabolic steroid BBQ!
* * *
You know the world is headed to hell in a hand basket when that $5 beef jerky that you see at Mobil on the Run has the words “Low Carb Attitude” proclaimed on the label.
* * *
Wouldn’t Double Team with Jean-Claude Van Dam and Dennis Rodman have been a lot better if Patrick Ewing replaced Rodman as a featured character? Then again, what movie wouldn’t be better with Patrick Ewing replacing the actor that played the lead role?
* * *
I don’t know about you, but I don’t buy anything from perverted midgets.
* * *
Anyone in the greater Metropolitan area knows of the joy that is the Foxwoods’ Casinos commercials and their spiffy theme song. Well, if you have the chance, I advise you to check out their latest version of it, which Leprechauns—yes, real, live Leprechauns—singing the exquisite song with new lyrics. You won’t regret it.
Well, you won’t regret it unless you are consuming hallucinogenic cocktails with crack on the side. If that is the case, you might end up looking like this guy:
This is the space where I was going to tear Ty, that asshole from Trading Spaces and the Home Makeover show, a new asshole. My girlfriend tells me that he is a great guy for what he does on the Home Makeover show, but I cannot forgive him for his crimes against humanity in the SEARS commercials. Oh God, are they brutal.
Yes, I once owned a “Shout and Shoot” water gun. FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
