I’m sorry guys, my brain is absolutely tortured at this moment … I’m going to let Bobby “the Brain” Heenan take over until I can restore my soul and bring you something worth reading. So without further ado … here is the one, the only, Bobby “the Brain” Heenan.

Brainstorms

By Bobby "the Brain" Heenan in January of 1992

Well, humanoids, being a broadcast journalist, I’d like to tell you that the Royal Rumble will be on pay-per-view television January 19, live from Knickerbocker Arena in Albany, New York. You read it here.

Rowdy Roddy Piper’s mad as a hornet these days. He’s mad because it’s winter and there’s a draft in his skirt. You know, Piper likes to talk a lot. Well, he wasn’t talking too much when Ric Flair – the real world’s champion – was kicking his lights out. Piper’s a punk. He looks like an out-of-work bag-pipe salesman.

In October, I watched Hulk Hogan – A Real American Story on Hot Ticket. While I was watching it, I saw his mom and dad. They look like Ma and Pa Kettle. Do you know Hogan’s parents taught him many things? Yeah, they taught him how to be a coward. His parents shouldn’t have named him Hulk. They should have named him Old Duck and Dodge.

Hear this: I found out that the Mexican guy who trained Tito Santana to become El Matador is actually a cabbie at Newark International Airport.

I just can’t figure some things out. Why does Jim “the Anvil” Neidhart always try to dress like a taxicab? I think that I must have hurt his feelings the other day; I said he was smart. He’s not used to that, you know.

Here are some words of wisdom. He who shoots his mouth off has a good time. I’m always having a good time.

When a wrestler faces the Barbarian, the dummy should expect to get his clock cleaned. All 24 hours of it. When I managed the Barbarian, I took him for all he … I mean, I took him right to the top.

Randy Savage’s hotline 1-800-ATTACHED is really doing great business. I understand that Elizabeth – whose mind hasn’t been the same since Summerslam - has a hotline. Can you guess what it is? Yeah, it’s 1-900-DETACHED.

That’s all humanoids.

Questions or comments? E-mail Jim and “the Brain” at Y2JimProblem1@yahoo.com