The year was 2002. The man was David Hasselhoff. The album was “Hooked on a Feeling,” a collection of songs recorded by the great one himself.
Here’s the hitch.
Hasselhoff was already a megastar in Europe, but he felt that he needed to kick off the release of his album with a bang. So, you know what he did? He got himself a damned blue screen and made perhaps the greatest music video EVER. And I don’t throw that phrase around often people. Only for something epic like this.
And by epic, I mean like an episode of Captain Planet on some fucking heavy-duty acid. This shit makes Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas look like the Care Bear Movie.
I’m going to come out and say it. David Hasselhoff must have drank battery acid at some point in his life. In all honesty, that’s about the only way to describe the ensuing madness that is about to be displayed before your very eyes. This baby is off the charts. Motherfucker must have been lapping that shit up out of a bowl like a dog.
Ladies and gentleman, this is “Hooked on a Feeling,” the music video review. First, enjoy the video. Then read my review below.
WARNING: If you have just consumed 'shrooms or any other type of hallucinogenic drug, your brain might seize up while watching this video.
Godspeed.
Suffering from sensory overload? It's quite understandable. Take a minute and then read on ...
The video begins innocently enough with a floating, spinning 3-D cube that features different images of a bear, David Hasselhoff dressed as a safari man and a dog all doing various things on their face of the cube while it says “Ooga Chakka, Hooga Hooga, Ooga Chakka, Hooga Hooga” repetitiously at the bottom of the screen.
Okay, so maybe that isn’t your idea of starting things off innocently, but I told you man, this baby is like Captain Planet on psychedelic drugs. Times 937.
David Hasselhoff, wedding singer
Hasselhoff, wearing a tuxedo and clearly in front of an odd, blue screen (the whole video will be like this) wedding, turns to us and begins to belt out his jam. I’m going to leave the lyrics out of this, because honestly, it’s hard to focus on them with the ruckus that is going on in the video. I’m sure you’ve heard the tune before anyway, with the original obviously far superior to Hasselhoff’s schlock.
As Hasselhoff looks lustily into the camera like a rapist on Cialis, we’re suddenly taken from the wedding scene to an artic one where David is decked out in full Eskimo gear and appears to be sliding across the icy terrain all the while singing his song. Oh, the skills this man has!
Soon enough, we learn that Hasselhoff is not only using his God-like powers to simply skate across the ice on his feet, he is actually riding on a toboggan while standing up straight (I’m going to apologize for the exclamation points now, this video just gets me so excited)! This man is fucking sick.
From the toboggan scene we head back to the wedding where David turns around to croon to us once again, before dancing on the blue screen cake and then shooting out of the frame and off the cake into a totally different scene. My mind was just ripped in half. If on drugs, this is the part of the video where you first begin to question life. It's like jumping head-first into a black hole. Everything becomes clear.
Why, it's the Crocodile Dundee version of The Hoff! At first, this latest breed of Hasselhoff floats in mid air, but he is then relocated to some type of pond area where there are two creatures roaming in the background. This is beginning to get surreal.
Out of nowhere come two little girls from the sky. Unlike Hasselhoff, these two actually have a reason to fly, because by golly, they have umbrellas! Miraculously, this makes more sense than anything else in the video.
Dave cuts back into the ooga chakka part of the song, while we are simultaneously shown scenes of David in Africa with natives on the blue screen while Outback Hasselhoff jumps up and down like an asshole. Frankly it smacks of racism, but The Hoff can get away with whatever the fuck he wants. He could be doing a blackface routine here and most wouldn't bat an eye. It's the fucking Hoff, this guy is the closest thing we have to Jesus now that the host of Nick Arcade is off the grid.
David is riding some sort of contraption with a lovely mountainous setting in the background when he catches the 3-D cube from the beginning of the video and spins it on his finger like a Harlem Globetrotter would. You dog, you! Busting out a trick from another amazing David’s bag of tricks, Mr. Copperfield himself, Hasselhoff improbably turns one 3-D cube into two 3-D cubes! If you're not in awe now, you're a real shithead. That was just the fucking tits.
Things take a turn for the stranger if you can believe that, as Hasselhoff throws the cubes straight up into the sky where a flying Hasselhoff with arms flapping is waiting. That's a sentence that was never meant to be written. Let's go over it again. Hasselhoff throws two 3-D cubes into the air where a flying Hasselhoff is waiting to catch them. The following picture best describes my reaction.
The angels of death follow him shortly.
Is it me, or do you have the feeling that Hasselhoff and the producers of this video never had any intentions of those little girls in the video. I think this is what you call divine intervention. They were sent as a message for Hasselhoff to stop lapping battery acid out of a bowl like a god damned dog.
Hasselhoff is now back in his wedding gear as he serenades us in front of a remote island location. Oddly enough, there is a dachshund, I believe, to his right. No, I don’t get it either.
Whoa! In the next scene, for the first time, Hasselhoff appears out on some dock without the blue screen! Shocking! It looks as if he likes to hang out at the North Pole or something. What a strange bird. When’s the last time you called someone a “strange bird.” I do believe this situation is appropriate for that term.
Well, so much for the lack of a blue screen, because in the next scene a motorcycle comes into view with Hasselhoff riding it by standing straight up on it. What a fucking madman. The last time I saw lunacy like this … WHAT THE FUCK?!?!? Some alien creature just bounced across the screen with what appeared to be eggs over easy with red yolks as eyes. I’m telling you, battery acid is the only way this could have happened. What a fucking lunatic.
As the alien bounces out of the screen, Hasselhoff decides to hold onto the handlebars. Just the handlebars. There is no god.
If holding onto just the handlebars wasn’t nutty enough, Hasselhoff then lets go and begins to soar through the air like the Superman he is. He floats over some flower field as the instrumental part of the song takes over. I take back what I said about him flying like Superman…it looks as if he is a kite up their, letting the wind take him wherever it pleases. Oh, the places you will go David!
Dave let’s go of the handlebars and prepares to take off into the air
As the instrumental solo ends, the “Hooga Chakkas” kick in and we're greeted by Eskimo Hasselhoff once again as he slides down an icy mountain. That quickly ends and we see him dancing around at the wedding scene again and then finally we’re back to Outback Hasselhoff as the flying Hasselhoff swoops in from the background. YES! YES! YES! I LOVE IT!
Is that a feather in his mouth?
Now that both of these assholes are singing, my mind is totally shot … and we are only at the 2:20 mark of this video. When will the madness end? WHEN?!?!? Apparently not now, because Hasselhoff is back to his dock at the North Pole and looks to the skies to see the angels of death coming to slaughter his soul. This video is about as sanctimonious as you can possibly get.
Again, we go through a few Hasselhoff shots in different areas, him bouncing with the natives of Africa, singing at the wedding and holding onto the handlebars of the motorcycle as he floats sideways. Then we see the crazy fucker going down the icy slope again with real skiers in the background on the blue screen.
We get a few more random shots of Outback Hasselhoff and Flying Hasselhoff, before we go to Eskimo Hasselhoff going down the mountain. Only this time Hasselhoff catches a humongous fish and holds it in his mouth. I’m at a loss of words, but not for long because another Hasselhoff is trying to get in on the scene from the side and looks to be running in place. Finally he breaks into the screen and we see that Motorcycle Hasselhoff is chasing him. And then, my god, the alien creature from before bounces across the screen. WHY? HELP ME GOD, PLEASE? When does the hurting stop?!? WHEN?!?!?
Unfortunately, I cannot find a shot of the alien, but you can see him for yourself when you watch the wonderful video.
Finally Hasselhoff flies in the air with the angels before we get the closing shot of a Hasselhoff in the foreground with one in the background blue screen dancing on the skyline of some city, Anchorage I believe.
If the video didn't end with you having an epileptic seizure, you're a stronger person than I. I think I'm going to go jump in front of a bus now.
