Thanksgiving is over and Christmas is officially on its way as we find ourselves deep within the heart of this holiday season. And this can mean only one thing …

Douchebag kids everywhere are going to be busting out their Santa Claus hats and wearing them to school and other various public places.

Now, I don’t mean to be the party pooper or the “Bah Humbug” Scrooge, but I always find myself wondering, “Why, God, WHY?” when I see some schmuck kid wearing the red Santa hat while grinning like an idiot. Don’t get me wrong, I love Santa and I love Christmas, but I just can’t stand certain people that wear the hats.

Maybe I’m just weird, because I’ll pardon really young kids and those with children when it comes to rocking the Santa cap, but those middle schoolers/high schoolers/college kids that don the hats just get me really riled up. To put it bluntly, they look like assholes.

Now, I’m not the kind of person that will judge someone based upon what they look like or wear, but if you’re between the ages of 14-25 and you’re wearing a Santa hat, I pretty much hate you with a passion. Sorry.

These people just always seem to have some goofy expression on when they’re wearing the hats, like they’re cool or something because they put on a silly hat. You can feel the pride coming off of them, and I for one just don’t get it.

For the second Byrned to a Crisp in a row, I’m going to have to quote my boy Brian Wagner here … “Just stop it.”

And now, a brief show to describe my misery.

 
Look at the cute little baby with the Santa hat!

 
Get out of my face

 
What. The. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!?!

 
Okay, you're just scary.

 
Hello, my name is Corporal Douchebag. How are you today?

 
Wal-Mart won't print this perverted shit.

 
Ohhhhhhhhhh Nooooooooooooo.

 
RUN MOTHERFUCKERS!

 
Questionable. Very questionable.

 
What a fucking pervert.

 
I think I saw this guy in my nightmares last night.

 
Hell-O!

 
Oh, you little prick. No pun intended.

Okay, that’s enough…but do you see what I mean?

* * *

Minnesota Timberwolve Michael Olowokandi was tasered twice for refusing to leave a bar named “Tiki Bob’s” while on a road trip in Indiana.

This has been deemed a “No Joke Necessary” story.

* * *

Gary Sheffield, New York Yankee and an all around really nutty guy, was recently the focus of an extortion attempt when it was revealed that his wife took part in a sex-tape 10 years ago.

To make things about 28,743,248,320,482,093,730,218,409,238,502 times worse, the man involved in the sordid tape was none other than R. Kelly. Yikes.

I could just see Sheffield talking about this with his wife.

Sheff: So, you were involved in a sex-tape 10 years ago, eh?
Wifey: Yeaaaaaah … I’m so sorry.
Sheff: You know, it was ten years ago, way before I met you, so really, why should I care? No worries hun, okay?
Wifey: I’m glad you are so under-
Sheff: It’s not like you made it with that pervert R. Kelly who likes to piss on people’s faces! Haha! Right?!? That would suck for me! Hahahahaha, oh boy, R. Kelly, what a sick fuck! I bet he’s peeing on someone’s face right now! He’s probably the only person in the entire world that’s appearance on that video would tear my soul to shreds.
Wifey: …
Sheff: (drops to knees and looks to the heavens) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Imagine the nightmares that Sheff is having right now. I would never be able to look at my wife the same. My condolences Mr. Sheffield, for it is truly a shame that the urine of one R. Kelly has tainted your wife and marriage.

* * *

Whenever I see or hear the band Bowling for Soup, a part of my soul dies.

* * *

One of the funnier things I witnessed during last week’s slate of NFL games occurred when Eli Manning threw the first touchdown pass of his career.

Jeremy Shockey was the recipient of the touchdown pass, and then faked throwing the ball into the crowd before handing it to a pleading with arms-outstretched Manning.

You could just hear Eli whining as he thought the unthinkable was about to happen in his precious ball getting thrown into the abyss of the stands. “Noooooooooo, it’s myyyyy ball! Waaaaaaaaaaah!” must have been heard on the field by someone, I just can’t imagine Manning not crying about the situation.

In conclusion, Shockey is one funny bastard.

But not as funny as A.J. Feeley and his ass! If you saw the highlight of A.J. Feeley getting his ass slapped after throwing a touchdown, and then looking like he was in excruciating pain because of the friendly gesture, well then you know of the comedy that you witnessed in that event. It was AMAZING! I can’t find the picture, but if you can, send it to me and I’ll put it right up here ASAP.

* * *

I don’t know about you, but I loved every second of TNT’s “The Wool Cap.”

A touching story from a touching man.

* * *

For years now I’ve been searching for the whereabouts of actors like those who’ve played the likes of “Sponge” on Salute Your Shorts and “Larry Appleton” on Perfect Strangers. Usually, this ends in heartbreak with me looking up to the skies wondering where these amazing heroes of my childhood have vanished to. Usually.

Well, the other night I was able to locate one of these characters that made my younger years go ‘round. Ladies and gentleman, let us not beat around the bush, I present to you …

JUNIOR HEALEY of Problem Child infamy!

Don’t believe that’s him?

Do you find it hard to believe that little Michael Olivier could transform into such a beast?

Believe it. Apparently, as you can tell for yourself by going to this, website, Junior Healey is now working as a roadie for a band called The Samples. Under his picture in the crew section he is listed only as “PC” (Problem Child) and his profile reads as following:

“Drum Tech, Stage Set Up, Computer Wizard, Insanely Intelligent, Was twice a problem as a child, Highly evolved old soul with a love of his lady and a passion for swords. And his own written language!”

Wow. I love that little joke they threw in their saying that he “was twice a problem as a child,” making reference to both Problem Child films he starred in, including the abysmal second one which will be reviewed on this site in the near future.

If I were in a band and found out that one of my roadies was JUNIOR FUCKING HEALEY I don’t even know what I would do. That’s just amazing. I can’t say much more than that.

* * *

Tell me that Kenny Albert, one of the famous Albert boys, does not resemble “Pig Vomit” from Howard Stern’s Private Parts. C’mon, tell me! I refuse to ever call him anything but Pig Vomit again.

“WNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNBC!”

* * *

Isn’t it about time we recognized Jeff Goldblum’s contributions to society in playing “Ian Malcolm” in Jurassic Park? This was one of the finer performances ever in cinema. A truly special moment in history.

With lines like “She's... ah... tenacious,” “The lack of humility before nature that's being displayed here, uh... staggers me,” and “That is one big pile of shit,” it’s a shame this man and character have been ignored for so long.

In fact, I quote the guy in my daily life . I don’t think a day has gone by where my friends have not heard me utter any of these Ian Malcolm Classics.

“Must go faster,” is one of my personal faves, but of course I never get to use it in the same context as Malcolm. He was being chased by a T-Rex after all! I also love saying “Anybody hear that? It's an... It's an impact tremor, that's what it is... I'm fairly alarmed here.” Always a crowd pleaser.

But my personal fave of all time has to be “God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs... .” Guaranteed life of the party if you bust that one out from time to time!

Yes, I still play with Jurassic Park toys. Mainly because of the Malcolm figure (on the far right).

* * *

I apologize for that last exchange.

* * *

Yo, fuck Desperate Housewives, man. Terri Hatcher is tainted from working in commercials with that toaster-shaped head motherfucker Howie Long for RadioShack.

Have you seen the ad for Desperate Housewives where some wife comes in on “the guys” playing cards or some shit and wonders what they are talking about? One of them says “football,” “tools,” “Al Borlin” or some generic bullshit like that, but as soon as she goes away they start squealing about the latest Desperate Housewives episode.

That was equivalent to a FLAMING DAGGER SEARING THROUGH MY HEART.

Oh yeah, and I know, I’m gay for not loving a TV show that has half-naked ladies dancing around. GAY. GAY. GAY.

Well, fuck you and that excuse. I hate THAT excuse! COYOTE UGLY SUCKED TOO! Yes, there were half-naked chicks, but that does not redeem the suckiness of the project.

Why not just watch porn? Why watch some old bags on Desperate Housewives tease you when you KNOW they will never get nekkid, when you can watch some good ole hardcore porn? WHYYYYYYYYYYY would you do such a thing?

I can’t wait till Desperate Housewives gets canned.

Oh, and fuck “The Rebel Billionare” too. What an asshole.

* * *

Black Friday, wah, wah, wah, wah! KILL ME NOW. BUT SHOW ME THE MOVIE “TEH IN CROWD” BEFORE I DIE. SLOW AND PAINFUL TORTurE.

Questions or comments? E-mail Jim Byrne at Y2JimProblem1@yahoo.com