Okay, so I’m a little late with this considering some teams are about six games or more into the season, but hey, what can I say, I’m a busy man. Okay, not really, I work at a pizzeria and go to class twice a week. GET OFF MY BACK!
But yeah, here it is, the Eastern Conference Preview of the NBA. Expect the Western Conference Preview shortly.
Central Division
Detroit Pistons (1)
It seems as if everyone and their grandmother Gertrude are picking the Pistons to repeat this year as NBA Champions. And why is that? The answer is simple of course. Detroit was able to take a championship team and improve it over the summer by adding Antonio McDyess to the equation.
“Ah, WHAAAAAAAT?” (Note: Not the Dave Chappelle/Lil’ Jon version…if you are one of the people that still does that, you need to be publicly executed) Is what goes through my mind every time I read someone praising the Pistons and their chances thanks to the McDyess pickup. This is Antonio McDyess we are talking about here, the guy who has played in about eight (rough estimate) games over the course of the last, what, three seasons? Insanity I tell you. If Detroit had lured Chris Dudley out of retirement and someone said they are an even better team now than last year for it, that would be a less surreal statement to me than the McDyess one.
Still, despite the subtraction by addition McDyess move, the Pistons are still the cream of the Eastern Conference, if not the entire NBA. They define the word “team,” and may lead the NBA on a path of salvation back to inspired team play as opposed to the one-on-one madness we have seen as of late.
The starting five of Chauncey Billups, Rip Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince, Rasheed and Ben Wallace is certainly one to be reckoned with, especially now that they have the confidence flowing. And what duo, besides a tandem of Mugsey Bogues and Manute Bol strictly for comedy purposes, would you want more than that tag team of Wallace boys?
What should be interesting to watch is the blending of Derrick “whoop-de-damn doo” Coleman into the rotation and of course, Darko Milicic’s, the guy they chose over Carmelo Anthony, second season in the league.
I started this off thinking the Pistons wouldn’t repeat because of lack of depth, but they should be able to get at least to the Finals where all bets are off. They’re just too tough.
Indiana Pacers (2)
“Just from the natural aging process, it's safe to say that Ron Artest is probably 5-7% less crazy than he was last year.”
-Bill Simmons, ESPN’s “The Sport’s Guy”
And then Artest goes and asks for a month off to recover from recording his R&B/Rap album.
Somebody get this guy his own reality show, because he is just fucking nuts. Instead of a movie like EdTV, we need ArtestTV. Just imagine the hilarity that would ensue. I thought I would be lost when they broke up the Blazers, but this guy can single-handedly carry the torch that those Portland Blazers held for so long.
Not that I’m keeping score at home, but this guy is starting to make Sycho Sid Justice/Vicious look like a model citizen. And Sycho Sid was a guy that wrecked Brutus Beefcake’s Barbershop and sent Virgil on a stretcher-ride straight into a steel pole. Granted these are pro wrestling references, but you get the point.
Although this latest Artest incident maybe unbelievable, I still rank his smashing a framed picture of himself incident above it. Let’s see if he can top that one this year. Should be fun!
Maybe he’ll get involved in a tussle with the biggest offseason acquisition for the Pacers, Stephen “The Mad Bomber” Jackson, the heir apparent to Reggie Miller’s 3-point throne. This cat should add another dimension to Indiana, and will probably replace the shell that is Miller in the starting lineup at some point this season. Miller is at the point of his career where he is probably kept in a cryofreezer at night right next to OlerudBot987. In other words, the guy needs to hang it up.
Then there is Jermaine O’Neal at power forward, the guy the NBA hypes up to be some sort of amazing player. I just don’t buy it. Maybe it’s the babyface, but I really don’t think Indiana will ever win with this guy as the focal point of the team. Sure he has talent, but he will never lead the Pacers to a title. (He scored 39 points in the game after I wrote this, but whatever).
Still, this Pacer team is a talented one with a talented coach in Rick Carlisle, and they should make waves in the East and contend with Detroit for the Eastern Conference Championship.
Cleveland Cavaliers (7)
Drew Gooden for Carlos Boozer? Eek.
This team seemed to have a firm foundation laid down with Boozer at the four and LeBron playing all over the place, but now it looks as if James is going to go through the same thing that Michael Jordan did for all those years before he finally won the title. It’s going to be LeBron James and LeBroneers like it was Michael Jordan and the Jordaneers until he finds the Scottie Pippen in his life. Which could have been Boozer until he split for Utah.
Oh well.
Nevertheless, LeBron has all the tools to carry this team as far as he possibly can. Which could be the first or second round of the playoffs. The kid is that good. He’s a basketball superfreak, seemingly created from the body parts of other players. The vision of Magic, the body of Malone, the athleticism of Dominique. All that’s left to fill out is that killer instinct of Jordan. When he develops that clutch shot, that need to rip opposing team’s hearts out, send out the notice, for LeBron has taken over.
But again, he needs a supporting cast, and you ain’t going to get too far if your point guard is Charlie Ward Version 2.0, Eric Snow. Okay, so maybe I’m being a little harsh on Snow, but c’mon now, Drew Gooden is supposed to fill in for Boozer? That’s like the dad from Pete and Pete filling in for Tony Soprano.
Milwaukee Bucks (10)
My personal favorite thing about Milwaukee is that Latrell Sprewell has a yacht docked somewhere in the state. Forget this “The Real Gilligan’s Island” bullshit. How about “The Real Loveboat” with Sprewell as the focus of the team. How funny is it imagining him with one of those sailor’s caps. Isn’t that hilarious? Almost as funny as the scene where the apes ride horses in “The Planet of the Apes.” Those scenes kill me every time and I don’t know why. It just looks funny.
But I digress, Sprewell is not on this team and I am already having too much fun writing about apes riding horses.
Sigh. Do I really have to talk about the Bucks? This is probably the most painful team in sports to write about. I don’t know why, but Milwaukee, Bucks, Green, Purple and Keith, Van, Horn just make me woozy.
I will say this though. Watch out for Michael Redd. He’s like Allan Houston on crack, and could be the best shooter of his generation. The guy is lights out.
Oh yeah, and they have a guy named Zaza on the team. That’s got to be worth something. Okay, maybe not.
Chicago Bulls (11)
I can just see it now, it’s the year 2067 and the Bulls are officially immersed in rebuilding year 69. They’ve just drafted Dickie Simpkins III with the first overall pick and really believe that this is the year they get back on track.
NO, NOT HAPPENING. THIS IS THE YEAR SPORTS FANS! THIS IS THE YEAR THE CHICAGO BULLS RETURN TO THEIR GLORIOUS POSITION AS KINGS OF BASKETBALL!
Do it for all those fans out there guys, do it for all those wonderful fans that must have moved to Portugal for I do not know of their whereabouts any longer. I e-mailed Unsolved Mysteries’ Robert Stack millions of times, urging him to do a show where they look for all of those beloved, missing Bulls fans. Unfortunately, I did not realize he was deceased.
Most importantly, do it for Carl Giordano, the only Bulls/Cowboys/Yankees fan in the entire world. He was kind to me in high school and middle school. He only took 75 cents from the poor Buffalo Bills fan I was after the Bills were humiliated by the Cowboys in sixth and seventh grade. He only mockingly wore a San Antonio Spurs hat to school the day after the Knicks were eliminated from the Finals in five games. He is a kind soul.
No, but really, I think this is the year the Bulls pull it together. Seriously! I’m not kidding here! They have a good, young nucleus! C’mon, no, wait, I’m not joking! Tyson Chandler! Eddy Curry! Luol Deng! Hinrich! Gordon! Good, young team, I’m telling ya.
Ah, fuck it. I just saw that they have Othella Harrington on the roster. I’m going to buy his jersey and send it to Carl Giordano via the mailman.
Southeast Division
Miami Heat (3)
You know what, this team will make some noise in the regular season, take the division and make the playoffs. But that’s not the bold statement.
They’re going down in round one of the playoffs.
How much does Shaq really have left in the tank? His best days are obviously long behind him. Miami will definitely get something from him on pure vengeance as Bill Simmons has alluded to, but this big motherfucker can’t run forever despite what he may tell you. The Diesel is going to run out of gas.
And thanks to a sub par cast that includes CHRISTIAN LAETTNER in the STARTING LINEUP, that tank is going to hit E sooner or later.
Remember that young team you saw in Miami last year? You know, the one with a rookie Dwayne Wade, a finally mature Lamar Odom, a savvy Eddie Jones, a Caron Butler in a sophomore slump (he’ll bounce back in LA), a solid center in Brian Grant and a energetic sixth man in Rafer Alston? Yeah, well that team was much better than this one that features Shaq, Wade, Jones and let’s face it, a bunch of schleps. This team has Wesley Person on it! Where the hell did they get him from? Why not bring in Popeye Jones while you’re at it? Is Bill Curley still available? How about Eric Montross?
First round and out, mark my words. And boy, oh boy, do I hope the knockout comes at the hands of these guys …
Orlando Magic (5)
Despite looking like Jamie Foxx after a shovel to the face, I think Stevie Francis is going to have an MVP-type season for the Orlando Magic. All the talk may be about how Shaq-daddy is going to wreak vengeance on the league, but that ship has sailed. As stated above, Shaq is too old and banged up to, in Jim Ross’ words, “BREATHE HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE!!!!1111”
Now Francis though, this guy is ready to make his mark like a dog pissing on a tree.
Orlando sure looked like fools in the offseason in trading away Tracy McGrady for Francis and Cuttino Mobley, but things have become a little more clear to me as the season has begun. It looks as if Orlando stepped in one of those magical, lucky piles of dogshit last year when they stunk up the NBA. What it earned them was Dwight Howard, the high school phenom with the No. 1 pick in the draft and McGrady’s realization that he wanted the fuck out of dodge. In turn, they received two potent scorers in Francis and Mobley.
Now, team up Francis, Mobley, Howard, the seemingly rejuvenated Grant Hill (more on him in a moment), Kelvin Cato at center, Hedo Turkoglu as the sixth man and a proven winner in St. Joe’s Jameer Nelson off the bench and what do you have? The surprise team of the year.
Surprise!
Now, while the extremely pissed off Francis is going to be the catalyst if these guys do make a run into the playoffs, you have to love what you are seeing in the return of one Mr. Grant Hill. Talk about the feel good story of the decade. I’ve graduated from high school and college since Hill last played a game under normal conditions. And from what we’ve seen so far, Hill looks pretty damn good. Heartwarming. Inspirational. Awe-inspiring. You gotta love it.
Here’s to a healthy Hill season.
Washington Wizards (8)
What’s Antawn Jamison’s deal? Am I the only one that has barely ever seen this guy play? I know the Clippers are the joke of the sports world, but I’ve seen many more of their games than of the Golden State Warriors, where Jamison had played for most of his professional days. Last year he was sent to the Mavericks, but didn’t even start on a loaded with talent team, so even there he was kind of invisible despite being on a popular team. In his own words, “I just went about my business there.”
Jamison was dealt to the Wizards in the offseason for Jerry Stackhouse and a Reginald Vel Johnson mixtape, so now we finally get to see the guy play. Washington head coach Eddie Jordan has made comparisons of him and Bernard King thus far, and if Jamison has half the talent that King did, then we are all in for a surprise.
It’s funny how Jamison was supposed to be the real deal over Vince Carter, but then things changed once they played some games in the NBA. If this pans out, we could have been right all along! Jamison is the man and Carter is just a pussy after all. Hmph, it’s funny how things work out.
These guys have sucked for so long and traded away so much talent like Chris Webber and Ben Wallace that most people can’t even imagine them being competitive. But if Gilbert Arenas settles down, Larry Hughes continues to play at the level he did last year, Jamison becomes Bernard King, Kwame Brown develops and Steve Blake and Jared Jeffries contribute off the bench, we could have another surprise team.
And did I forget? The Man, Eddie Jordan coaches this team. Watch out.
Atlanta Hawks (14)
Being in Atlanta for Antoine Walker must be like that scene from the Simpsons where Homer is in chocolate-land frolicking around. Walker is going to get about 57 shots a game, 53 of them 3-pointers, and could potentially lead the league in scoring.
David Stern’s mustache just turned over in its grave.
I just can’t get over what a bizarro team this is. Walker, Al Harrington, Josh Childress, his afro and Predrag Drobnjak all on one team.
I have nothing more on these schmoes, but speaking of Drobnjak, check this out … http://www.nba.com/sonics/drobnjak/manjaks.html
Charlotte Bobcats (15)
EEEEEK.
What more can I say than their projected starting lineup (sans Okafor) averaged 10.4 points per game combined last year.
The ghost of Steve Smith sits on the bench too. That’s scary! Boo scary.
The Atlantic Division
New York Knicks (4)
Maybe I’m partisan, but I just like this team. They’re fast, they can score, they’re exciting and fun. Basically, these Isaiah Thomas Knicks, despite their shortcomings and massive contracts, are the antithesis of the slow, plodding, BORING Scott Layden-era Knicks.
With the buyout of Shandon Anderson’s contract recently, every player with the exception of rookie Mike Sweetney is gone from the Layden regime. That’s Howard Eisley, Keith Van Horn, Anderson, Clarence Weatherspoon, Antonio McDyess, Clarence Weatherspoon’s face and Dikembe Mutombo. Hell, even Charlie Ward is gone!
That list isn’t very inspiring, is it? Naturally, the expunging of these players makes me a very happy man.
New York is now a team that can score at will, with Stephon Marbury, Jamal Crawford and second-round steal Trevor Ariza lighting up the Garden. The Knicks now have personality in players like Jerome “Junkyard Dog” Williams who brings a tenacity and willingness to do the dirty worked they have lacked since the Oakley days. Now, the Knicks may be able to escape past the first round of the playoffs, or at least win a few games in it. Now, this youngest Knicks team EVER, has a light at the end of the tunnel. Now is not the future, but thankfully, there is one.
With Sweetney, Ariza, Crawford and Marbury the Knicks have a young nucleus that they need to keep intact. Notice I have not mentioned the names Kurt Thomas, Tim Thomas or Nazr Mohammed thus far. This is because the Knicks are still one trade away from being a true contender. They need a real big man that can play defense. As much as I love Kurt Thomas, he is probably their best trading chip because of his relatively sane contract. Package him with Nazr or Tim Thomas and see what you can get Isaiah.
Philadelphia 76ers (6)
Healthy Allen Iverson = The Playoffs. Unhealthy Allen Iverson =The Lottery
Now that we got Iverson out of the way, do you really want to read about the likes of Kevin Ollie, Willie Green, Aaron McKie and Samuel Dalembert? I didn’t think so. Solid group of guys, but it’s really hard to spice Brian Skinner up. Unless of course, he is the son of the WWF’s “Skinner!”
Toronto Raptors (9)
They should have made a comic book entitled “Death of Vinsanity” just like the one they did for “Death of Superman.” I would have bought it in a second. Is there anyone that has ever fallen out of grace faster than Vince Carter? It seems that everyone that is ever compared to Michael Jordan inevitably falls from grace, if they were ever in grace. Harold Minor (never in grace), Jerry Stackhouse (halfway there?), Grant Hill, Yinka Dare and now Carter. Notice a trend?
I do.
George W. Bush is the next Michael Jordan.
George W. Bush is the next Michael Jordan.
George W. Bush is the next Michael Jordan.
George W. Bush is the next Michael Jordan.
George W. Bush is the next Michael Jordan.
As of press time, this team is 4-1 and shocking the world. Actually, no one is really shocked, because nobody really cares about the Raptors. They need to be liberated from Canada. The Canucks can keep Jalen Rose though, because we don’t want him here.
If you do get the chance to watch these guys, keep an eye out on Chris Bosh. The kid’s a stud. Unfortunately, he’s not going to get the press he deserves being in the great white north. Rafer Alston rocks out with his cock out too. “Rock out with your cock out” has to be the most perv expression of all time. I’d like to meet the douche that came up with that one.
Boston Celtics (12)
Last year, the Celtics were the shittiest team to ever get into the playoffs and that is saying a lot considering 16 teams are allowed in every year.
I mean these guys were bad. Real bad. Their first round encounter with the Pacers was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. And thanks to the damned NBA stretching out the first round to best of 7, it dragged on for four excruciating games. I don’t know what would be worse, watching that suckfest over or having to listen to Ashlee Simpson “sing” for 24 hours straight.
Okay, I’d definitely take the Celtics series, but still.
In the offseason, GM Danny Ainge drafted Al Jefferson, but his “biggest” move came in trading for Gary Payton. NICE MOVE DANNY!!!111
If Raef LaFrentz, or “The Shitster” (I just made that up, it’s getting late) as I like to call him, bounces back from his knee problems (ha), he and Payton could just be the recipe for success that the Celtics have been looking for.
Or not.
Throw in Paul Pierce and this team is destined for a 10th place finish in the Eastern Conference. What did you expect, another Boston championship? I think those fuckers got their due already.
And what’s the deal with Paul Pierce being nicknamed “The Truth?” How about we stop giving players who have won squat in their careers nicknames, alright? We can’t use up all of these nicknames if the NBA is going to go on for some time. What are we going to be left with in 2099? Nicknames like “Pumice” or “Won Ton King?” I’m going to feel bad for whoever gets stuck with “Smock Master 5000.”
Seriously though, a season hinging on Raef “Capital F” LaFrentz? As my Guatemalan friend from work would say, “I don’t dink so!”
I’m barely holding on here. Let’s get it back together.
New Jersey Nets (13)
You know the story already. It is one that I truly love. The story is titled, “Fuck the Nets: Three Years of Glory In Between a Lifetime of Pervocity.”
The glory years are over for good, halleluiah, halleluiah. See you in hell fuckers.
The question here is, can Richard Jefferson lead a team without K-Mart, J-Kidd or Vel-Johnson (shit, is that two Reginald Vel Johnson references in one article?) No he can’t, unless those red-headed scoundrels Brian Scalabrine and Aaron Williams morph into creatures that resemble basketball players.
If you ever get the chance, look into Zoran Planinic’s eyes, it’s like looking into the depths of hell. I wonder if he is a Carpathian like Vigo from Ghostbusters 2 … if that is the case, someone draw a painting of him and we will get our very own Janosh to say, “A child … a child.” Creepy fuck.
Oh yeah, Kidd will end up in Minnesota for Troy Hudson and Wally Szeebazbziaak or Dallas for Jason Terry and another schmuck.
And, I’m spent.
Questions or Comments? E-mail Jim at Y2JimProblem1@yahoo.com
