(Blurb on the Back of the DVD) Just when you it was safe to go back to the cemetery … those brain-eating zombies are back and hungry for more tasty mortals. A fiendish mix of outrageous humor and heart-stopping terror, The Return of the Living Dead is “a veritable smorgasbord of fun” (L.A. Herald Examiner) filled with skin-crawling jolts, eye-popping visuals and relentless surprise!

On his first day on the job at an army surplus store, poor Freddy unwittingly releases never gas from a secret U.S. military canister, unleashing an unbelievable terror. The gas re-animates an army of corpses, who arise from their graves with a ravenous hunger … for human brains! And luckily for those carnivorous cadavers, there is a group of partying teens nearby, just waiting to be eaten!

A veritable smorgasbord of fun? Count me the FUCK in!

 
The cover art for Return of the Living Dead

Did you ever go through that phase where you and your friends with would always rent those wacky looking films from the horror section at your local video rental store to stay up late and watch at a sleepover while drinking Mountain Dew?

Well, I did, and I loved every second of it.

Me and my buddies weren’t really frightened by the films (maybe Morano was), we just rented them for cheap laughs at the pure cheesiness of some of the films and, of course, the obligatory tit shot. What more could you ask for in middle school? We weren’t getting laid, we couldn’t buy standard porn and let’s face, we didn’t even know how to jack ourselves off properly at the time. A pair of titties from the 70’s/80’s and cheesy monsters got us through those awkward years.

The problem with all of the movies in the horror section though, was that most of them were generally pretty shitty. For every great flick like The Shining, there were about ten atrocious Uncle Sams, American Gothics or Jack Frosts. Some of these films were just plain horrendous and could even stave off the Mountain Dew sugar high and lull us to sleep by an early 2 a.m.

We had gone through a severe cold streak on horror movies that was signaling the end of our run with the genre at sleepovers when we came upon the goldmine that is The Return of the Living Dead. The picture of the cover is above, and I’m sure anyone reading this has seen it before in the video store. I don’t know why it took us so long to rent it, but boy, when we did, we couldn’t stop talking about it for months.

There was recently an online petition to get the film released on DVD (it had been out of print for years for some reason), which I did not know about until I purchased it recently in preparation for this column. I was in FYE buying something when I saw a sign and a bunch of copies of ROTLD saying that with any purchase you could have it for seven dollars. If you know me, you know that “Jim Byrne knows a bargain when he sees one,” so naturally I picked up a copy.

The film starts off by stating that, “The events in this film are all true. The names are real names of real people and real organizations.” Right off the bat, you know this is going to be a CLASSIC.

In the first few minutes, we are introduced to our main characters. Freddy is some young buck that was just hired to work for Frank in what is apparently a warehouse full of skeletons, cadavers and other such dead things. These two bumble around for sometime, and develop a natural chemistry. Well, not really, but that sounded okay.

Freddy (L) and Frank, the first two characters introduced.

Frank is cracking bad jokes about the skeletons coming from skeleton farms in India, and Freddy looks just plain uncomfortable for the most part. Freddy is then shown a half-dog on a stick, which Frank explains is used for science, and a cadaver hanging from the ceiling in a bag.

The other crew in the film, a group of 80’s-style punks, who are just plain AMAZING I must say, are then introduced to us as they are walking on the street talking about meeting up with their buddy Freddy later on.

 
From left to right, Chuck, Casey, Trash, Scuz, Tina and Spider

This is what I love about 80’s horror films. You just don’t see characters like these in movies nowadays. Spider, the black dude, who is actually Puerto Rican, is my favorite actor in the whole film. You might remember him from Juwanna Man, which came out a few years ago and was a movie about a guy dressed up like a woman to play women’s basketball. Okay, maybe you don’t remember that and have purged any memories of it from your mind, but the guy commands your attention when he is on the screen in this film. He is glorious.

It must be something about that long Soul-Glo hair.

Anyways, we’re back in the warehouse and Frank is trying to spook Freddy out with a story about how the film Night of the Living Dead is based on a true story. He eventually asks him if he wants to see the proof in the Army corpses, which are in the basement.

Freddy, scared shitless at this point in his “Domo, Arrigato” T-Shirt (I need to get me one of them), agrees and the two head downstairs. Frank shows Freddy a bunch of big canisters with zombies inside, and you can tell that shit is about to hit the proverbial fan.

 
Frank and Freddy prepare to take a gander.

 
Our first glimpse at a Zombie, albeit a sleeping one.

Freddy asks Frank, “these things don’t leak do they?” and Frank responds, “Hell no, they were made by the US Army!” as he slaps the container. Just as he slaps it, he ruptures the tank and gas comes shooting out.

Probably one of the greatest theme songs in a movie cues up, and the credits roll with the title of the movie being displayed for the first time.

As the music blares, we see the gas going through the building and into various rooms. The sleeping zombie in the tank is waking up and the cadaver is starting to move around. In other words, ALL HELL IS BREAKING LOOSE! I haven’t been this riled since me and my brother realized we could put tapes in Teddy Ruxpin that weren’t the ones that came with the damn bear.

Frank and Freddy wake up from being gassed, start coughing like bastards, look like total shit and then realize that the body is missing from the tank. Ruh-roh, that’s a trifecta of trouble if you ask me. Worse than those Taco Bell/KFC/TCBY places that are what I like to call, “Heart Failure Palaces.” The two figure the zombie must have burnt up, and then hear a barking dog so they go to check it out.

 
OH FUCK! THE MOTHERFUCKING DOG ON A STICK IS ALIVE!

Freddy and Frank go to grab the dog on stick, which is panting mind you, and then flip out when they realize it is split in half, something they knew before. Frank snaps and starts beating the motherfucker with a crutch, prompting the dog to whimper and cry. Aw, poor little half dog on stick! Freddy yells, “What are we gonna do?!?” and Frank responds “KILL IT!”

However, banging and moaning coming from another section of the warehouse interrupt them. They realize it’s the cadaver trying to get out and wonder what the fuck they should do. Luckily, the big boss shows up, Burt Wilson, and tells the fuckers that they have to kill that damned cadaver. That’s why he gets paid the big bucks.

 
Meet Burt, the head honcho.

The trio unlock the door and out comes one of the funnier sights of the movie.

 
My God, it's a bald, naked Ken doll!

It must have cost the producers about five bucks for this make up job. The thing looks ridiculous and runs around like a crazy bastard that you would see in Times Square. Burt, Freddy and Frank chop off the cadaver’s head, but it continues to run around and go ape shit. Eventually, they knock him down and cut his ass up to pieces, and then realize they have to bring him over to the crematorium to torch, because even if you cut the bastard up, he won’t stop moving and shaking like that old Houston Oiler Haywood Jeffries.

While all of this is happening, the punks, who have now picked up their seventh member, Suicide, are hanging out in the graveyard because they needed something to do in the meantime while waiting for Freddy.

Trash wonders out loud what would be the worst way to die, and she believes that it would be being eaten alive by old men. Yeah, that would be pretty bad, you sick fuck.

She goes on, “first they would rip off my clothes,” and proceeds to do just that! Oh boy, here we go, it’s obligatory tit shot time!

 
HOLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAA!!!

Trash then rips off her bottom as well (sorry, I don’t do the full frontal nudity thing), and goes into a whole dance routine with some crazy song about having sex with the devil in the background. Spider loves it, and I wish I had a picture of his expression while he is viewing this, because it’s incredible. He just goes, “Yeah!” and does a little head shake, it’s great, believe me.

Funny thing is, Trash remains naked for the rest of the movie. Suicide starts bitching about how nobody respects him, and Trash is just all over the guy, but tells Trash to respect the dead and get the fuck off of him.

 
Now is not the time to bitch about respect, Mr. Suicide, you dumb bastard!

Burt heads into the crematorium, where we meet Ernie, who is smoking a pipe, listening to his SONY Walkman and working on a dead body.

 
Whistling while he works.

Burt insists that Ernie has to help him with something, and then Freddy and Frank walk in with the garbage bags. Ernie wants to know what the fuck is going on, so Burt tells him that they were shipped “rabid weasels” and they need to dispose of them via cremation. Ernie is appalled by this idea, saying that they just can’t burn live animals, because of the cruelty. But they are rabid Ernie, don’t you get it?!?

Ernie insists that they tell him what is going on, so Freddy lets an arm out of one of the bags and Ernie’s eyes pop out of his fucking head as the thing grabs a hold of his leg.

In a few short moments, those bags get fucking incinerated, which causes some fucked up ashes to come out of the chimney and go into the night sky where a thunderstorm has just begun. Once again, the theme kicks in and acid rain begins to fall. The punks in the graveyard bounce out of the graveyard and into their car, fleeing the burning rain.

Inside the crematorium, the group prepares to leave, but Frank and Freddy tell of how sick they feel and Ernie is forced to call the paramedics to help out with the “poisoning” that has occurred. Frank starts gagging and runs outside to puke, and things begin to look pretty grim. All we need now is a shot of Miami Dolphins coach Dave Wannstedt on the sidelines looking extremely discouraged.

 
Ahhhh, shit.

Tina had left the group in the graveyard earlier to look for her boyfriend Freddy, and finds his hat lying in the warehouse from the beginning. She heads down the stairs to the basement where the canisters were and encounters possibly the greatest zombie of all time.

 
It's the tarman zombie!

 
Another shot of this beauty.

Tarman zombie growls, “Brains…Brains!” and jiggles forward like he’s doing the Merton Hanks funky chicken towards Tina as she takes off up the stairs. The stairs break however (who didn’t see that coming), and Tina falls to the bottom. Miraculously, the punks come to the rescue just in time and distract that motherfucking zombie from killing Tina. Unfortunately, this comes at the demise of Mr. Respect himself, Suicide, who is attacked by the tarman zombie and has his brain eaten.

AWESOME!

 
DOWN GOES SUICIDE!

“More Brains,” growls tarman, and the punks flee upstairs sans the brainless Suicide. The punks are now running through the graveyard as the “It’s Partyyyy TIME!” song blares on again. Zombies start to rise from their wet grave, and go after the punks. Trash stumbles across the muddy terrain, and her wish is granted as she is eaten alive by a group of old men, albeit old zombie men. Damn, I’m sad to see her naked ass go.

This scene is punctuated by this zombie bursting out of the ground, with “It’s Party Time!” being screamed in the background by some Motley Crue-rip off band.

 
Somehow this skeleton has a complete set of eyes.

The paramedics have arrived on the scene, and basically tell Freddy and Frank that they are dead. The two have no heartbeat, a 70-degree temperature and are so blue that they look like a couple of Smurfs. Frank and Freddy are none too pleased at the situation at hand, and start yelling and screaming incoherently.

Banging is heard on the door of the crematorium and Ernie goes to check it out. Why, it’s the punks! Ernie lets the raving Spider, Scuz and Tina in and yells at them, “ARE YOU CRAZY? ARE YOU ON PCP?!?” I love any scene where someone is questioned about being on PCP. It’s just funny in any situation.

Ernie decides that it’s time to get the fuck out of dodge, so he goes to check out the ambulance parked outside. There, he sees a fucking midget chomping on one of the paramedics from before. Ernie’s eyes bug out of his head again and he fires some shots at the midget who responds with a growl only a midget could growl.

Back inside, Ernie explains that they cannot take the cars because the Zombies have taken over. He calls the cops, and then the classic “board up the house” scene takes place as the entire crew begins to nail boards and such to the windows and doors.

We’re then privileged to a shot of a Zombie chowing down on a paramedic while a voice on the CB in the ambulance is wondering where the two paramedics are. The Zombie, in a seemingly Russian accent, picks up the CB and says, “Send … more paramedics.” Priceless stuff, you have to hear the guys voice, it’s amazing, he sounds like a cross between Ivan Drago and the cosmonaut from Armageddon.

 
Send more paramedics. I love it.

Tina is wondering what the fuck is happening to Frank and Freddy, and she demands answers from Burt. Spider then asks him, “what the fuck is going on?” and Burt responds with a classic, “I don’t have to tell you anything, dickbrain.” I’m definitely going to start using that term more often. Like at McDonald’s. What would you like today? I don’t have to tell you anything dickbrain. Just kidding, gimme a McChicken sandwich, light on that jizz Mayonnaise.

Burt starts blabbering something about chemicals, prompting Spider to blurt out, “Yeah, what fuckin’ chemical?!?” For some reason, we found this line utterly hilarious when we first saw the movie, and still say the phrase to this day. I was thinking of naming this article, “What Fuckin’ Chemical?” Spider is just the man.

More paramedics show up, and they just get plain swamped by a wave of zombies. One of the paramedics gets tackled like one of those drunk guys that runs onto a football field during game would by the security. The guy must have been in pain after that, but damn does it look great onscreen.

The sound of glass breaking inside the building sends the group rushing to the scene where they attempt to wave off the Zombies who are relentlessly trying to break in. Scuz gets grabbed and pulled through the window where one of the zombies takes a bite out of crime like Ruff McGruff. Scuz is pulled back in with the zombie still attached, and the remaining guys beat the crap out of the zombie, which is nothing more than the upper torso of one.

They put this zombie on the operating board and Ernie begins to question it about why it likes brains and what not. Burt, Ernie and Spider try to figure out how to kill these fuckers, but just can’t come up with a good solution.

 
Your lucky this doesn't show her Zombie teets. They are totally gross.

Freddy and Frank have gone totally off the deep end at this point and are screaming and moaning constantly, which leads Burt to say they should be locked up somewhere. They do so, and lock them up in the chapel. Tina, the dumbass, wants to stay with Freddy and does just that. The two continue to moan and cry, until it looks as if Freddy dies. It’s only for a moment however, until he mutters something about wanting her brains! The classic music comes on, and Burt, Ernie and Spider rush in after apparently hearing the theme music as well. They knock zombie Freddy on his ass, throw acid in his eyes and lock his ass back in the chapel.

Spider starts whimpering about Freddy to Ernie, who just slaps him across the face twice. Great scene, worth the rental alone. Burt realizes that they only way they are going to survive is to get to the cars, so he and Spider prepare to burst out the door into the Zombie infestation. Ernie, who now has a broken foot because of the spar with zombie Freddy, stays behind with Tina.

Burt and Spider bust out the door swinging baseball bats and make it to a police car, which had earlier been overrun by zombies. They try to get the car back to the crematorium to rescue Tina and Ernie, but the wave of Zombies is just too great. Instead, the bust through the crowd of zombies and the graveyard gate, and get onto the main road, which is also covered in Zombies. The two make it through the crowd, but crash the car into a wall as it lights on fire. They get out of the car and head back into the warehouse from before, where Casey and Chuck have been since the graveyard scene where the punks were split up.

Burt wants to use a phone, but there are Zombies in the main office and one downstairs. They decide to take on the tarman zombie downstairs to try and get to that phone. Burt gets his baseball bat and they prepare to knock his ass silly.

 
"You see, we have to knock that fuckers head off with a bat ..."

They get down there, and Burt drills the motherfucker right in the head, knocking his head clean off. I’m actually kind of sad to see tarman go, I liked that guy … at least he got one good, “Brains!” in there before he went down.

 
Now batting, Burt Wilson.

The cops have arrived on the scene, and have essentially been massacred from the get go, so when Burt calls them, the chief demands to know what the fuck is going on. Burt relates it to rabies somehow, I don’t see the connection, but much to Burt’s dismay, the cops are hit by another wave of Zombies including a Zombie Trash who takes out the Chief. So much for the police.

Burt decides to call the number on the side of the canister, which is the number of the army, something he was very hesitant to do before. He informs some army dude of what is happening, and the dude jots down notes about how many Zombies, how many acres they are covering and what exactly happened.

 
You woke me up for some shit about Zombies? Mothafucka.

The army guy gets up from his bed and calls some other dude and tells him that they found the lost container in Louisville, KY. He tells him, “The eggs have hatched,” and then calls another guy. This new guy asks for the code, and then repeats it, saying, “Archimedes, Rhubarb, Hot Dogs, Niner,” no joke. That’s a fucking awesome code, because anything with Archimedes or rhubarb in it is a surefire code. But together? That is just unreal.

The code is in and we see a tank load up a nuclear missile fired, creating a whistling noise that sounds just like a whistling noise that any person could make. It’s pretty lame, but you get a good chuckle out of it.

We cut to Burt, Spider, Casey and Chuck as Burt responds, “you hear something?” to the whistling.

Then we see Zombie Freddy bust into the attic where Tina and Ernie were hiding out, and the shot freezes with the whistling in he background as he says “Tina-a-a-a-aaaa.”

The bomb goes off, and we hear a voice saying, “Spectacular results sir. Less than 4,000 dead, rain taking care of the fires, all should be good by the morning, good night sir.”

 
Everyone goes Kablooie!

Of course, as we learned from before, ashes and rain do not mix and the same punctuation zombie rises from the dead again as the lyrics, “DO YOU WANT TO PARTYYYY?!?! IT’s PARTY TIMMMME!!!” blare in the background again as the movie comes to a close.

 
IT’s PARTYYYY TIMEE! With the same Zombie from before in a different scene.

As the credits roll, we get highlights from the movie including Spider going, “Yeah!” and shaking his head to Trash getting naked again. Even the producers knew that was a killer shot. Okay, my hands are fucking tired, see you at the Monster Squad Breakdown.

Questions or comments? E-mail Jim at Y2JimProblem1@yahoo.com