Surprisingly, the Buffalo Bills-Miami Dolphins game wasn’t on national television this week, so I was forced to go to the local bar to watch the epic toilet bowl that was this game.
Coming into this contest, the teams were a combined 0-9, but when the game was over one team would be guaranteed a victory, barring a freakish tie of course.
The Bills did win 20-13, but in preparation for what would have been the most mind-numbing loss in the history of Bills games, I decided to do a running game diary as opposed to the standard column that you see here week in and week out (For the Erie-Times News and GoErie.com).
Never mind the fact that I pretty much forgot how to write a winning column after all of these insufferable losses.
So here it is, the Bills-Dolphins game diary.
1st quarter, 14:00 - I get into the bar, by myself mind you, just to see the Dolphins and running back Sammy Morris in particular shredding through the Bills defense. Right off of the bat I’m not feeling very good about this game. Could the Bills actually get lit up by the 32nd-ranked offense in the league? Say it ain’t so, please, say it ain’t so. I might just croak right here and now if the Bills drop to 0-5 courtesy of Jay Fiedler, his ugly mug, and the rest of the Dolphins.
13:30 – I’m looking around and figure that this is pretty sad. I am officially that guy at the bar that is there by himself cheering on his team. And to top it off, I have a purple journal that I’m jotting down notes in. Yikes. I hope I don’t get arrested for being “that weird guy at the bar.”
13:00- CBS shows a stat package that reveals that the Dolphins have had zero first downs on their first drive in their first five games, while they already have two first downs in the first drive of this game alone. This makes me feel all warm and tingly inside.
12:21 – The Phins stall out on 3rd and nine at the Bills 35 yard line, and now have to punt. This prompts CBS to show a highlight montage of Jay Fiedler for some reason. You just have to believe that this guy was the least-laid high school quarterback in the history of high school quarterbacks. I bet his mom still thinks that Dan Marino is the quarterback of Miami. What a sad case Fiedler is. But not as sad as Feeley. Or Sage Rosenfels for that matter. Those guys BACK UP Fiedler. Can it get any worse than that? I think not, unless you’re Dave Wannstedt of course and have to choose between that trio. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if Wannstedt did acid before the game and thinks he is choosing between General Zod, Ursa and Non from Superman 2.
12:00 – On Buffalo’s first play of the game, Drew Bledsoe looks deep and completely overthrows a WIDE OPEN Lee Evans. It’s not even funny how open Evans was. If Bledsoe connected there, the game is 7-0 and I’d have ordered a shot of Wild Turkey just for fun. But alas, that was not the case. At least owner Ralph Wilson must be happy that the Bills came out slinging on first down, despite the lack of a connection between quarterback and receiver. After Wilson called the Bills offense “boring” last week, head coach Mike Mularkey had to come out of the gates flying even if he said that no matter what anyone says, they’ll stick to their game plan of power run and a conservative offense. What a bunch of malarkey that was. If I were Mularkey, I’d tell the press that that senile old man better put a sock in it, or it will be time to bring out the whoopin’ stick. It would be fun to see how fast the public would turn against him.
9:30 – Willis McGahee, who is starting the game, fails to get a first down on a 3rd and three pitch. He hustled to try and get by about seven Miami defenders, but in the end there was no way he was getting to that marker. I’m pretty curious to see how McGahee does in the game today, and I would be pleasantly surprised if he plays well enough to take over the starter position against this tough Miami defense. CBS shows a shot of Travis Henry on the sideline, and he officially looks like a caveman from B.C. I don’t like cavemen ever since that cartoon with that hairy one, Captain Caveman I believe. I always had to wait through that to get to the friggin’ Snorks cartoon. Let’s go McGahee!
9:03 – Miami takes over at the 20 and the Bills immediately murder their own former running back in Sammy Morris. It’s always interesting to see who Miami plucks off of their carousel to start at running back in each week. To me, it seems as if they just take a first name and last name off of a running back generator list and stick that guy in the game. I mean, what’s the difference between Lamar Gordon and Leonard Henry. Who are these creatures? Why not throw in Captain Ron for fun?
8:15 – YES! Takeo Spikes picks off Fiedler and takes it into the endzone for a Buffalo score! Halleluia, there is a god! I love it! Spikes was able to read that play all the way as a solid Buffalo pass rush forced Fiedler to telegraph the pass. The Bills now lead 7-0 and even my stomach feels good about this game. General Zod never would have thrown that pass; it must have been Non, the moron that jumps off the cliff at the end of Superman 2.
8:05 – And a dejected Non … er, I mean Fiedler marches onto the field … Could NFL Films even make this guy seem prolific for a split second? He has to be one of the lamest quarterbacks in NFL history. Well besides former Giant and Cardinal Dave Brown, of course. That poor guy had to have his full name on his jersey when he played for the Cardinals. Maybe Arizona did that just so people understood why they were so bad. “Hey, hey, we may have lost this game, but just look at the name on the back of our quarterback’s jersey,” says Coach X. “No, that isn’t Joe Brown or Steve Brown, that’s Dave Brown, worst quarterback in NFL history! See, it says his full name on his jersey right there. Obviously, you can blame all our troubles on him.”
6:33 – You have to wonder what head coach Dave Wannstedt is thinking about as Fiedler gets tossed to the ground once again. “Hmm, I hear they have good wings in Buffalo, maybe I’ll try that out and even leave an application since I’ll probably be jobless come January. You can’t go wrong with free wings and six bucks an hour! … I’m going to kill Fiedler in his sleep.”
6:19 – Bledsoe to Moulds on a play action pass for a first down! You know, now that I think of it, I really don’t feel that bad being by myself at the bar anymore. After all, I could be the Eagles fan a few seats down that brought his stuffed teddy bear which wearing a matching McNabb jersey. Can it get any worse than that? Actually, he just topped himself by bringing out an oversized Eagles blanket that he now has wrapped around himself. Is this really happening or did I have one too many White Russians. Nope, I didn’t drink any White Russians, this is actually happening. I feel good about myself now.
4:43 – I really hate how Moulds is always complaining after every play where he misses making a completion for whatever reason. Hey Moulds, if you have your hands on a ball, you’re supposed to catch it. Don’t blame it on some nickel defensive back. You’re supposed to be an elite receiver, so make the friggin’ play!
2nd quarter, 13:37 – After a long drive where Sammy Morris of all people eats up the Bills, Buffalo is somehow able to stop Miami on three straight possession inside the ten-yard line. This sets up a field goal attempt by some schmoe kicker that isn’t Olindo Mare. Oh my, it’s Matt Bryant of New York Giants playoff failure fame! Damn, he makes it anyway and the Phins cut it to 7-3. I was hoping for a reenactment of that famous 49ers-Giants playoff game in 2003. That purple blob Grimace from McDonalds is more likely to step in for Miami at running back than that, though.
9:59 – After a Bledsoe to Moulds connection for a first down on third down, the Bills go the same way again on the next third down but Moulds cannot hang on. For some reason, Mularkey is challenging this play. Why, God, why? Everyone in the world sees that this is an incomplete pass, who does Buffalo have up in the booth telling Mularkey to challenge this? Mr. Magoo (cartoon version, not the Domino-whoring Leslie Nielsen version)? What the heck is going on here?
Meanwhile, Tim Rattay of the 49ers hooks up for a touchdown with one of his receivers and the lone 49ers fan in the bar, who resembles a demented George McFly from Back to the Future, goes absolutely buck wild in a place that is chock full of New York Jets fans. This reminds me of that commercial where the one Dolphins fan goes nuts in the bar filled with Jets fans, except that this guy is a 49ers fan and looks like a demented George McFly. Therefore, this is much funnier. Now McFly has the gall to stare down all of the fans. This guy has to be off of his royal rocker. I really want to see this guy get tossed all over the bar, so I’m rooting for a 49ers win in the game. The guy fell asleep two minutes later at the bar too, I think I may have to call Four Winds Mental Institution to get down here real fast.
Back to the Bills – guess what? The play was not reversed on the challenge! What a shocking turn of events! But, the Bills decide to go for it on fourth down anyway and convert on a shotgun draw to McGahee. I love it, 1st down!
8:00 – The Bills cannot muster much on first and second down, so Bledsoe takes off on third down and dives for a first! I can’t believe it, was that Drew Bledsoe in there or … or, a cheetah in a Bills uniform. That joke needs more work, I hope I comeback to it. Regardless, the play was called back anyway and the Bills have to settle for a field goal attempt from Rian Lindell, the only guy that spells the name Ryan with an “I” instead of a “Y.” Mr. Craptastic misses the field goal, but maybe if he spelt his name the right way he would have made it. Probably not, now that I think of it.
6:37 – The Dolphins do a whole lot of nothing and eventually have to give the ball back to the Bills who in turn do a whole lot of nothing and have to give it back to the Dolphins with about two minutes remaining in the half. Can you say “OFFENSIVE SHOWCASE?”
0:52 – Fiedler connects with Darrius Thompson for a touchdown and simultaneously a glob of bleu cheese falls on my shirt and rolls down onto my pants for a double disaster that would make any man cry for their mommy. Miami leads 10-7 and I smell like salad dressing mixed with BBQ sauce. Somebody better start writing my obit really soon.
HALFTIME – Bills losing. Me drinking.
My buddy Mike Morano finally shows up, so now I feel a little more comfortable about myself.
3rd quarter – Rian Lindell ties the game up at 10-10 after a drive that ended on 3rd down because Buffalo’s own Clay Aiken, Sam Aiken, couldn’t hold onto the friggin’ ball. If you were invisible Sam, I wouldn’t be able to punch you in the face for that one.
9:50 – On third and six, Fiedler gets rocked for the second time on the day by Ron Edwards. Beautiful, just beautiful. Although Bledsoe has lost over 800 yards from the line of scrimmage since 2002, he has barely been touched today while Fiedler has been getting dropped like a bad habit all day long.
Wow, I have to pee really bad, be right back … Okay, I’m back. Now, I know that not washing your hands after you come out of the bathroom is “gross,” but am I the only person that will wash his or her hands just because someone else is in the bathroom? That’s pretty much the only time I do it, because I don’t want the fucker to think I am gross or anything. Which, I am. I guess I’m being too self-conscious.
I come back to my bar seat to see that Morano has drawn a crude picture of John Smoltz in my notebook with the words "I'm gonna drill ya" in a caption. I flashback to the time he drew Stimpy, of Ren and Stimpy fame, on the 7th grade English class blackboard, for this drawing looks exactly the same. Mike Morano, the only guy whose every drawing looks like a television sitting on a couch.
9:04 – Bledsoe hits a wide open Moulds who takes it to the five yard line thanks to a sweet pick by one of the NFL officials. I’ll take it!
7:43 – Bledsoe hits Mark Campbell in the endzone and Buffalo retakes the lead at 17-10. God bless America, the Bills might actually win this one!
4:37 – The Dolphins convert three straight 3rd down conversions and Sammy Morris is absolutely killing the Bills. Even Miss Cleo wouldn’t have seen this one coming. Luckily though, the Bills are able to shutdown Miami’s goal line offense once again after they make it to the one-yard line on a pass interference call. Buffalo actually pushes them all the way back to the ten for a fourth down play as the third quarter comes to a close.
4th quarter, 14:57 – Bryant kicks a field goal that makes the score 17-13, but for some reason, I’m not worried in the least bit about the outcome of this game. Blame it on the Bud Light, or maybe the Jalapeno Poppers that have dulled my senses and wreaked havoc upon my stomach.
12:31 – Bledsoe is looking as nimble as a cat and sidesteps Zach Thomas to connect with Evans for a first down at the Miami thirty-yard line. UNREAL!
9:37 – McGahee has been fighting his way down the field for Buffalo, and gets them to the one-yard line. Unfortunately, he cannot cash in and the Bills are forced to kick another field goal.
7:57 – Lindell connects and gives the Bills a 20-13 lead.
6:22 – The Dolphins cannot do anything with the ball, and are forced to punt it away. Sadly, for Miami fans that is, they never get the ball back!
The Bills are able to run down the clock to 0:00 thanks to a spirited effort by one Willis McGahee, and Buffalo wins the game! Finally, after seven games and an 0-4 start to begin the 2004 season, the Bills have finally won a game.
I don’t even know what to say.
Is a shot at the playoffs likely? No, but at least they’re showing flashes of what they can do with a young core of Lee Evans and Willis McGahee at the two skill positions of wideout and running back.
Though Bledsoe has been looking good as of late, my coaching strategy would be to throw in J.P Losman at quarterback, start McGahee at running back and keep Evans at No. 2 receiver to see what this young group of triplets can do.
If you are a Bills fan, you have to be excited with the way that McGahee looked today in rushing 26 times for 111 yards against a very game defense. Travis Henry may in fact be solid, but there is no telling what kind of potential lies inside of McGahee. I may have doubted him before, but I am willing to take the chance now.
And maybe, just maybe, if Buffalo can knock off the Ravens next week, I’ll start dreaming about the playoffs again. Someone needs to knock some sense into me.
Questions or comments? E-mail Jim Byrne at Y2JimProblem1@yahoo.com
