So where was I? Ah yes, four badass Gremlins had just popped out of Gizmo’s ass and were running amok in Billy’s workplace where we left off of last.

Billy had told Phoebe to go and pick up their beloved Gizmo earlier on, so she pops into an elevator on the first floor of the Clamp building (where she also works) and heads on up to the office.

Here’s the hitch. Just as Phoebe was entering, three of the Gremlins were exiting the elevator. Oh, you sly dogs! Now, I don’t know about you, but three fuzzy, walking Gremlins are something that I would not miss coming out of an elevator. If I walked into the front door of my house just as My Pet Monster was exiting, I surely would have seen the fucker. Whatever though.

Also, notice that only three Gremlins exited the elevator. With Gizmo locked in the vents and three Gremlins on the main floor of the Clamp building (Spike, the mean looking one, and the bucktoothed mofo known as “Lenny”), that leaves a Gremlin MIA. I smell trouble.

Phoebe gets to Billy’s office and thinks that the nutbag Gremlin is Gizmo. Meanwhile, while all of this is going on, Gizmo is watching the scene from the vent and whimpering like the little bitch he is. Make a noise god dammit! Phoebe is about to take this loon home instead of you, and all you can do is sit there and cry? I’ve lost all respect for the Grizza.

Back on the main floor, the terrible trio is in the food court and a lusty look comes over their faces as they see food all over the place. These three look horny as fuck and it is making me uncomfortable. This could get uglier than a Jim “the Anvil” Neidhart coke binge .

Phoebe has brought the nutbag back to her and Billy’s apartment, and obviously, nutbag is going bezerk. She feeds his ass some corn, and in an example of lame movie clichés, nutbag eats it off of the cob sooooo fast that it creates a buzzing noise and it looks like the scene is in fast forward mode. That’s lame, not as lame as “The Matrix Slow Time” effect that every other new movie uses, but lame nonetheless.

Billy comes home and right off the bat realizes that nutbag is not his beloved Gizmo. Maybe if Gizmo was an admitted crack fiend he would have bought it, but Gizmo knows that crack kills. Anyway, Nutbag (let’s make that name official, shall we) continues to go ape shit in the apartment and then the door rings.

Why, it’s the Futtermans! The Futtermans are from the original Gremlins and for some reason show up at the Billy/Phoebe apartment. But honestly, who gives a shit. This is what Mr. Futterman looks like. It’s actor Dick Miller, someone I’m sure all of you have seen before.

Back at the Clamp building, the three Gremlins have gotten into the ice cream stand and are bogarting anything they can get their hands on. Spike eventually blows their cover by popping out of an M&M topping bin.

For some reason, the people at the stand think that these things are rats. I really don’t know what to say about that. They look more like Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts than Rats. But, the bottom line here is that it is after midnight, and these Gremlins are eating. In case you forgot, this is NOT GOOD. Soon enough they will start cocooning and eventually hatch into big, badass, slimy Gremlins as opposed to small, goofy, fuzzy Mogwais.

Which is exactly what happens.

Gizmo is still patrolling the vents when he accidentally falls into a hole and free falls for about 100 ft. (this should have killed the mofo, or at least broken his face) into the same exact room where the Gremlins are in their cocoons. On a side note, all-star asshat Howie Mandell does the voice for Gizmo. That’s a recording session that I would rather not imagine. Fucking Howie Mandell. First Gizmo, then the voice of Bobby’s uncle on “Bobby’s World.” Someone needs to kick this guy’s ass.

The cocoons hatch revealing gremlins that look like Spike does here.

The Gremlins proceed to kick Gizmo’s ass around a corner so that we cannot see what is going on, but you can imagine that it is a grizzly scene.

Phoebe is doing her job and giving people a tour of the Clamp building, and leads the group, which includes Long Duk Dong from Sixteen Candles, into the “Microwaving with Marge” show.

Marge is cooking while drinking whiskey on the set, always a good combination, as shit prepares to hit the fan. Nutbag, Bucktooth and Mean Face Gremlin burst out of various pots and pans and begin to ruin the set. The three Gremlins are constantly laughing like a bunch of dumbasses as they proceed to put silverware into the microwave. This infuriates Marge, the microwave master, who yells something about how you’re not supposed to put silverware in microwaves.

You know, as before, my first thought would not be the utensils in the microwave, but more along the lines of what the fat, black lady said in The Rock when she was locked behind bars after Ed Harris’ crew took over Alcatraz.

“IF I'D'A KNOWN THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN, I'D'A BROUGHT MY MOTHER-FUCKIN' GUN! HELLLLLLLP!”

The microwave explodes which eventually sets off the sprinklers, dousing the three Gremlins in water. This leads to an explosion of Gremlins shooting out of the original three and then more out of those ones. It is an endless cycle of disaster and complete chaos breaking out in the Clamp building.

A lot of shit goes down in the next few scenes, including Gremlins hi-jacking Phoebe’s elevator, a gremlin attacking Mr. Clamp in his office, which leads to him putting it through the shredder and green shit flying everywhere, and intermittent shots of Spike torturing Gizmo. One torture scene has Spike taking him to a 2-for-1 velcro special (don’t ask, even the directors don’t know) and causing Gizmo pain by putting the Velcro on him and ripping it off very fast (apparently, Velcro is officially spelled with a capital “V” because spell check changes it if I type it with a lower case “v.” Interesting.).

Now the Gremlins have invaded the Splice of Life office, and this is where shit really goes down. We have Gremlins drinking all kinds of serums, which in turn creates a host of mutant gremlins including an Electricity Gremlin, a female Gremlin, a Bat Gremlin and my personal favorite, the Vegetable Gremlin with lettuce leaves for ears and tomatoes on his face.

But none of these Gremlins can compare to the king of all Gremlins. By simply drinking the beaker with a sticker of a brain on it, we have the fabled, Tony Randall-voiced (Felix Unger of the “Odd Couple”), Brain Gremlin.

After spazzing out from drinking the brain serum, the Brain Gremlin rises from behind the counter (with glasses on now mind you, glasses are always a sign of intelligence in case you did not know) and spits out this sentence starting slow and scratchy and finishing it in eloquence. “Iii wannnaa talk a little about what’s going on in this room because I think there is some fascinating ramifications for the future …,” says the Brain Gremlin to a stunned Christopher Lee. Amazing, simply amazing. I love the Brain Gremlin!

Brain then goes over to the Bat Gremlin and stabs him in the neck with “genetic sun block,” which would allow this Gremlin to go outside in broad daylight, something the Gremlins cannot do normally.

The Bat Gremlin takes off, smashing through the wall and leaving a Batman signal where he smashed through. Eek. Someone should have been banned from Hollywood for that one.

We cut to Leonard Maltin (yes, the movie review guy) who is filming his show, “The Movie Police,” and coincidentally enough is reviewing the original Gremlins film. He smashes on the movie, which of course prompts a few Gremlins to attack him from behind.

Interesting. I think this is the point where the movie loses total control, although it spirals further out of control if you can believe that.

The Gremlins pretty much have complete control of the Clamp building at this point, and to prove that, we see scenes of the Salad Gremlin in a salad bar, a Gremlin in a trench coat flashing Phoebe Cates and of course, Gremlins at the New York Stock Exchange yelling “BUY!SELL!BUY!SELL!” as the Brain Gremlin urges a client to stock up on shotguns and canned food. I LOVE IT!

You might be thinking that this is where the film peaks out. What more could you ask for at this point?

How about Hulk Hogan?

You got it.

Billy is talking to Christopher Lee about the madness that is occurring inside the Splice of Life office and Lee blabbers incoherently about something when the “film breaks.” The film on the screen breaks and we lose Gremlins 2. The movie then cuts to some “Volleyball Holiday” movie at some movie theatre. I’m not making this up. Someone complains to the usher and he says that he will go to get help.

Guess who he gets.

Hulk Hogan gets up out of the audience in the theatre, wearing his WWF title belt mind you, and proceeds to bitch out the gremlins that are fucking with the projector.

“Okay guys, listen up,” says Hogan. “People pay good money to see this movie. When they go out to the theatre they want cold sodas, hot popcorn and no monsters in the projection room. Do I have to come up there myself? Do you think the Gremsters (aaaaaamazing!) can stand up to the Hulkster? Well, If I were you I’d run the rest of Gremlins 2 right now … sorry folks, it won’t happen again.”

The crowd goes wild and Gremlins 2 resumes.

But hold on one moment here, what the fuck just happened? I really want to know whose idea this was … because I’d like to give them one million dollars! In any other movie this would have sent the film careening off into the abyss of horrendous movies, but this just ups the ante and raises Gremlins 2 to another level. No wonder I enjoyed this so much as a child. Slap together a shitty plot, Hulk Hogan and a Gremlin with lettuce for ears and I’m going to have one of those four-hour boners they warn you about in the Cialis commercials.

And this where I am going to stop, people. I hate to do it, but I have to go to work and there isn’t going to be a lot of time to finish this bad boy up.

So, I am going to give you the Reading Rainbow ending and tell you that if you want to see the rest, go rent the movie! I hated that shit, I’m sorry. But, I’ll leave you with a few pictures and tell you that there are some other great moments in the movie including the New York, New York scene with Brain Gremlin singing lead, and …well, really that’s it. They shot their load with Hogan, a scene, by the way, that isn’t in every version of the movie.

Grandpa Munster … er, Fred on the set of his show. Fascinating.

The death of Saruman in this film. Note: does not include talking trees.

Brain Gremlin on Fred’s Talk show. Out of control.

God Bless America.