Seriously VH1, as my good friend Brian Wagner from the University at Buffalo would say, “just stop it.”

First, it’s the unrelenting assault of shows where D-rate comedians/actors/asshats comment on anything and literally everything. I mean, enough already. Nobody gives a fuck what “Ant” has to say about Angelina Jolie. And what’s with those shows like “A to Z” where VH1 teams up two lesser assholes to create a super asshole team? Who are these people? Are they supposed to be funny? They make me want to gouge my eyes with a spoon and stab my ears with steak knives.

Okay, I’ll admit that I really LOVED “I Love the 80’s” when it first came on. But that’s mostly because Michael Ian Black was featured prominently as a commentator and I’ve thought he was one of the funniest fuckers around since “MTV’s The State” back in the mid-90’s. “I Love the 70’s” was okay, but I wasn’t around back then so I really didn’t get as many of the references.

Then came “I Love the 90’s.” What a fucking joke. Couldn’t they have waited until the 90’s were at least eight years old maybe? Jesus man, the damn decade just ended four years ago! I really don’t need to be reminded of the Boy Band craze of 1999 already, okay?

And why didn’t they include the Windpants craze of 1996 in there? That was monumental! I wore those fuckers for a year straight! And yes, I was a big loser for it, and it didn’t help that I sported a Ronald Reagan haircut to boot.

Oh yeah, and FYI VH1, the “Zubaz” craze did not occur in 1996 like you said, it was more like 1991 or 1992, you dumb bastards.

But anyways … All of the above wasn’t even what I set out to write about in the first place, it just kind of flowed. What can I say, I have a lot of animosity towards VH1 these days.

Especially with the new show they have thrust upon America in “Searching for the Partridge Family.” Could it get any more abysmal than that? I mean, really, what the fuck is that all about? And does anyone care? Does anyone watch? Who are these people that actually audition for this show? Are they robots? Is Danny Bonnaduce even real, or is he a figment of my imagination?

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

The worst part of all of this is that VH1 acts like this is such a huge event, and that the whole world is watching. Hey VH1, the biggest election of our lifetime is occurring right now, nobody gives a flying fuck about your asinine Partridge Family show.

And why the Partridge Family? Was the cast of The Brady Bunch too busy? Was the Skipper booked through January? Did Blarth from “You Can’t Do That on Television” have too much on his plate?

Maybe if they did a “Search for the New Cast of Salute Your Shorts” I would watch. But, probably only the Bobby Budnick auditions. And maybe the ones for that fox Dina. Meow!

I really thought Dolphins head coach Dave Wannstedt’s mustache was going to fly right off of his face in that wonderful hurricane game on Sunday night against the Pittsburgh Steelers in Miami.

What could be funnier that that, besides Ricky Williams’ stoned reaction to it while watching the game in his “tee-pee” (that’s where Miami Linebacker Zach Thomas and his 1995 haircut thinks Ricky is hiding out) in China?

I do feel really bad for Wannstedt, though. He seems like a nice guy, and his offense might be one of the worst in NFL history. Including Williams, the team is down to their fifth-string running back! And yes, teams do have fifth string players, if you consider the guy who played Mr. Belvedere to be any sort of athlete, because that’s who is playing running back for Miami this week against the Jets.

If you are in a suicide pool, pick the team that is playing against Miami every week (sorry Nick and Putter) and if you’re in a fantasy league, take the defense that is playing against Miami every week if you can. Easy money.

You can send your condolences on this lost Miami season of 2004 to superfans at these screenames: EctoCooler28, NFLDolfans (ask him if he thinks Chris Carter should come back) and KatScip.

So, it looks like James Caviezel is signed on to star in the new Superman movies. My only question is, what is next for Caviezel?

First the guy plays Jesus in The Passion of the Christ, and now he is going to be Superman. He can demand any role he wants after he has played those two otherworldly figures, and if I were him I would have three demands.

1) To star as Rasheed Wallace in the bio-pic Smoked Out.
2) To play side by side in a film with the legendary Sinbad.
3) To get the role of Dauber in Coach: The Movie

Three very reasonable requests, if you ask me.

I wonder how much Dodger Milton Bradley is regretting his snapping in LA (his home stadium) this past week? He has to be regretting it as much as Sean Connery regrets ever muttering the phrase, “You’re the man now, DAWG!” in Finding Forrester.

But you really have to blame his parents here. Now, now, I know, you can’t blame your parents and their parenting techniques for everything, but these two took their child-naming privileges and wiped their collective asses with it.

They named their kid, who already had the last name Bradley, Milton. Can it get any worse than that? Even Brad Bradley, although it defies my rules of naming guidebook under “Article VII: The Johnny Johnson Theorem,” would be a better choice than Milton Bradley.

They named the damn kid after board games!

This reminds me of this kid I knew in high school Brian Meyers who was referred to as Milton Nerdley in middle school. Pretty cruel, but funny in retrospect. I wonder if he is like the character Steve Buscemi played in Billy Madison now, waiting by the phone, putting lipstick on and listening to Electric Light Orchestra’s “Telephone Line.”

No offense if you somehow come across this, Brian. We had some good times in Mechanical Drawing class. Whatever.

What’s George Wendt’s deal?

Every time I see Leonard Little playing football for the St. Louis Rams and consequently making millions of dollars, I get sick to my stomach. First he kills a woman in 1998 by driving with a blood-alcohol level of .19, nearly double the legal limit. Then in April he was pulled over for driving drunk again.

Just leave this planet Leonard, nobody wants you here.

Unless of course you can pile up some sacks and tackles and take an NFL team to the playoffs. Then we will give you tons of money and forget what a schmuck you are!

What would Catherine Zeta Jones be without the “Zeta?” I’ll tell you. She would be nothing. She’d be Catherine Jones and starring in movies side-by-side with Carrot Top and maybe she could score a role in films like Bulletproof Monk with Chow Yun Fat and Steve Stifler. But, only if she was lucky.

She wouldn’t be married to Michael Douglas, that is for sure. Firefighting Clay Henry, the failed heir to Jared’s Subway fat man turned skinny thrown (you know the guy, his song went like this: “Clay Hen-ry, Clay Hen-ry” I don’t remember the rest) would probably be dating miss Catherine Jones.

But she would definitely still be pretty hot.

Think about this right now, I guarantee it will fuck you up.

Think about breathing.

I gotcha, right? I bet you have to do it manually now and won’t be able to get it back to the automatic style for at least a minute.

I’m such a dick, I’m sorry, but I hate it when I do that right before bed and therefore cannot fall asleep.

What’s more classic than trying to open a car door while the person inside is pressing the automatic unlock button simultaneously? Nothing, well besides that dance you do with a person when you try to get out of there way, but end up juking the same way they do for about five turns.

That’s just classic!

Questions or comments? E-mail Jim Byrne at Y2JimProblem1@yahoo.com