Am I the only person in the world that thinks that there needs to be another term for those fun bags attached to women’s chests besides the big three of “breasts,” “boobs,” and “tits?”

Sure, we have “ta-ta’s,” the aforementioned “fun bags,” “jugs,” “jaloppers,” “knockers” and even “whamma-lammas,” but those references are like the sports of jai-alai and handball in comparison with the big three of baseball, football and basketball. They’re just too obscure to be brought into mainstream everyday use.

Like I said, maybe it is just me, but I never really feel comfortable saying “oooh, I love your breasts!” to my girlfriend. It just sounds really weird. And then what about “tits.” That word just sounds really perverted. “Lemme have dem’ titties!” Gross, man. I sound like a child molester when I throw that one around. “Boobs” is just on another level itself. If you ever want to sound like a 14-year old that just went through puberty, try telling your girlfriend that her “boobies are amazing.” She’ll either think that you’re making a joke or that she somehow got stuck inside the movie “Big” and she’s dating a ninth grader.

God dammit people, come up with a new word for those wonderful creations!

* * *

Lord, do I hate jeans or shorts that have those stupid button flies instead of the classic zippers. Whose idea was it to install these fucking ridiculous things in men’s pants? Every time I have to take a piss I don’t want to fucking button down and button up my god damned fly, alright? That’s why I don’t do it when wearing those stupid jeans with the buttons. I just painfully squeeze my wanker out the top and piss. This sometimes results in piss going everywhere including on myself. As you can imagine, I am NOT a happy camper when this occurs.

So just stop making those stupid-ass button-flied jeans, already? Just STOP IT. Nobody thinks they’re cool, you bunch of pant-making assholes, they’re just a royal pain in the ass.

* * *

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again. Fuck you, NCAA football.

How can they deny USC’s Mike Williams the opportunity to play football this year? This kid has the potential to be one of the greatest athletes of our generation. He has been compared to some sort of sick and twisted amalgam of Marvin Harrison and Randy Moss. If that comparison is only half true, then we have one hell of a fucking wide receiver being denied the right to play football at his college. Not only is Williams being denied the right to do what he was born to do, but we the fans, the people who make this crazy sports world go ‘round in the first place, are getting the good ‘ol “fuck you” from the higher powers of NCAA football once again.

And why? You know what, I really don’t know why, but it is probably because of some stupid eligibility rules that the fucktards in charge of this whole abortion of a situation cannot even slightly comprehend. It’s funny how these assholes start crying about the rules when it comes to a situation like this, but meanwhile the NCAA is one of the most corrupt institutions there is. Situations like these are the ones where amendments are supposed to be made to the rules. Williams did nothing wrong and the fans have done nothing wrong except for lining these deuchbags pockets with gold. This kid has to play.

While it doesn’t make an ounce of sense on one hand, it surely is not surprising coming from an institution that consistently gives its fans and players the shaft. Afterall, these are the same assholes that won’t give us what we want in the college football playoff system. I really cannot fathom the amount of idiocy seeping from the pores of the establishment that is NCAA football. Abolish the BCS once and for all. These minor changes that they make every year to try and prevent what happened last year (LSU and USC were co-champions, ugh) never work. They NEVER WORK. Don’t these fools see the success of the NCAA basketball tournament? Are they that blind? Don’t they understand the love of football this country emits every second of every day? How much clearer must the fans be?

We want Mike Williams to play and we want a fucking playoff system.

* * *

Is it just me, or does Ricky Williams look stoned as shit in that shaved-head headshot that ESPN always uses whenever they talk about him? The guy looks like he’s trying to choose between a Hostess Fruit Pie and a bag of cracker and cheese Combos at 7-11 after a 1 a.m. burn cruise.

* * *

Somebody please tell me who green lit “Anacondas: The Search for the Blood Orchid” so I can light them on fire. How does Hollywood pump movies like this into the mainstream theatres when amazing films like Napoleon Dynamite and Garden State have to make immense waves in the independent theatres before they are released nationwide? What a load of bullshit.

Who the hell are the assholes that go to see movies like “Anacondas” anyway? How can movies like these make millions of dollars? Is America as a whole that stupid? Don’t answer that question.

* * *

Since when is the Predator a big pussy? The last time I checked he was blowing fucking holes through Jesse “The Body” Ventura and Gary Busey in his two original films. Yet, in Alien Vs. Predator the guy freaking gets involved in a love fest with a chick that starred in Love and Basketball and made an appearance in an episode of “Family Matters.” When does the hurting stop? WHEN?!?

It’s sad that the movie got SO bad that it jumped from nauseatingly bad to unintentionally hilarious. While I got my giggles out of the film, it makes me cry that movies that I love so much in the Alien (sans Resurrection) and Predator series were crapped on by whoever is getting rich off of the Suckfest of 2004. Where is the justice?

The coup-de-gras of the film had to be the scene where you see the silhouettes of our two lovers running away in slow motion from an explosion in the background. It was quite touching. Actually, I literally pointed at the screen and started cracking up.

Nobody wanted to see this happen, so why did they do it? We wanted the Predator to rip this girl to shreds, not take off his mask and look like he wanted to kiss her. Pathetic!

I would have enjoyed the AVP movie much more if it was about the real AVP battle of 1996. You know, the one between Todd Collins and Alex Van Pelt (AVP, get it?) for the quarterback position of the Buffalo Bills. Of course, unless you’re a sick Bills fan like I am, you don’t get the reference, but it was one of those battles where the guy that did less shitty won the job. A real stellar war that left Bills fans proud of their franchise.

They could have even used the Alien Versus Predator tagline for the quarterback duel.

“Whoever wins, we lose.” You can say that again.

* * *

Is there anything creepier than that “Better Body Basics” infomercial that comes on late at night? Okay, besides the “Rock Legends” one with a totally sold out Roger Daltry and of course that damned Ron Popeil “Set it, and forget it” one. Those two can be fleshed out into an entire column by themselves and are completely off of the creepy charts.

Well to get back to the question, the answer is an emphatic “NO!”

John Basedow and his “Fitness Made Simple” infomercial clearly is the third-creepiest late-night infomercial there is. If you don’t know what I am talking about, maybe this picture will bring back some horrific memories.

Yes, that creepy fucker. The guy that looks as if his head was taped onto his creepy looking body and talks about things like “invigorating power yoga moves.” God, I hate this guy and his stupid infomercial. His website might even be creepier if you can even believe that. The kicker has to be that he a section on it where you can buy a set of six pictures of the guy for $40. Wow. Now that is scary. I don’t know what frightens me more, the ridiculous price or the fact that these have to be in demand if he is charging so much for them. Wooh boy, what a world we live in. You really have to check his photo gallery out too, there are some “interesting” pictures to say the least. Especially this one:

* * *

I don’t know about you, but if I was a recording artist and one of my songs somehow ended up on an album like “Now 16” in between “hits” by “JoJo” and another by “Elephant Man” I would retire then and there from the business.

* * *

What can be said about Olympic “Race Walking” that hasn’t been said before? Is this just a big joke or are these people for real? How do you get into something as asinine as this?

If the Boston Red Sox somehow make up the 5-½ games that they are back of the Yankees and win the division, and New York allows Texas or Anaheim to snag the Wild Card spot, it would have to be considered one of the greatest chokes of all time. Right? This is a team that has a higher payroll than the Gross National Product of some COUNTRIES. If they were to somehow, someway not make the playoffs, it would certainly be one of the biggest gaffes in sports history.

But what would George do? I cannot even imagine. Snag Pedro away from the Red Sox? Grab Barry from the Giants? I really do not know.

Even if they were to build a team superior to this year’s model on paper, would it even work? I don’t think so, because I think the Yankees are currently cursed. Hear me out.

Sure they won four titles in five years from 1996 till 2000, but after that the philosophy of the team changed. Instead of building with the farm and basing their team around solid pitching, they sold out the heart and soul of the team and went after high priced free agents.

Call it “The Curse of the Giambino.” Ever since Steinbrenner sold Tino Martinez down the river and went after Jason Giambi, the team has been the proverbial shit on a stick. Sure, they make the playoffs every year, but it is kind of hard not to when you have the Red Sox in your division and your team is as stacked as Dolly Parton.

Despite losing that World Series against the Arizona Diamondbacks, we’ve never seen the kind of heart (with the exception of last year’s ALCS maybe, but again, that was against Boston) that was displayed in that 2001 World Series since. Instead, you have a mish-mash of high priced talent that does not seem like a true team.

This curse has even infected the fans. How can you expect a team to win when the fans boo one of the only true Yankees left in Derek Jeter. This guy is arguably the best player in baseball, but when he was slumping earlier in the season, Yankee fans booed the hell out of him. That is truly sickening.

The Yankees are a plagued team that needs a cure. Their curse may not last as long as the one that has affected the Red Sox after their shafting of Babe Ruth, but as long as Steinbrenner rules the Major Leagues with an Iron Fist and an infinite pile of cash, the New York Yankees will not win the World Series.

Questions or comments? E-mail Jim Byrne at Y2JimProblem1@yahoo.com