Kwantsu, dudes!

With the explosion of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the early 90’s, countless variations of that money-making formula (teenagers + ninjas + cracked out bad guys with talking brains in their stomachs = KIDS LUV IT!!!!11) were surely soon to follow. Say you were some head honcho of a toy company in that era that was putting out a line of 40-year old bears that sung “The Downeaster Alexa” (batteries not included) and you were trying to compete with the TMNT line. Wouldn’t you re-think your strategy, slap some multi-fuckin’-colored headbands on those bears and call them teenage ninjas just so maybe some kid’s mom would get confused and buy little Billy a Vincenzo Bear action figure? Sure, Billy would be livid, but five bonesacks would be made and maybe you’d finally be able to provide for your family. I know I’d sell out to the craze. It’s amazing that Disney didn’t give the Country Bears Jamboree a teenage ninja facelift.

But anyways, this whole teenage ninja schpeel didn’t just apply to action figures. It sunk its venomous teeth into the movies as well. And boy did we get some stinkers. The series of “3 Ninjas” films cast a dark spell over the world in 1992 and proved once and for all that you can kill people by jamming a fistful of jellybeans down their throat.

And then there was “Surf Ninjas.” Born sort of the same way that the Orcs in The Lord of the Rings are, “Surf Ninjas” capitalized on the awe-inspiring meshing of ninjas and surfing in 1993. They even brought in Ernie Reyes Jr., a certified ninja and cast member of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze” (it also goes by “Longest Movie Title in the History of the Fucking World”) to play the lead role of Johnny. Along with Reyes Jr. are Rob “hip-hop anonymous” Schneider and some little schmuck that thankfully only appeared in two movies ever. Besides “Surf Ninjas,” schmucko’s only other role was in 1991’s “ Alligator II: The Mutation.” It’s funny because it’s true.

Also thrown into the mix for good measure are Leslie Nielsen as the Shredder rip-off, Tone Loc in a mailed in performance, and some dude that we will call Ned Ditka because he looks like Mike Ditka’s long-lost brother. It truly is a collaboration of the stars that one could only dream of.

I loved this movie when it came out back in 1993, so naturally when I saw it this past spring in the Wegman’s five dollar DVD bin, I had to get my greasy mitts on it. Although I didn’t actually watch it again until recently, I perused IMDB.com just to get reacquainted with the film. On the website, “Surf Ninjas” managed to garner a 3.1 (out of 10) rating. For those keeping track at home, that is just as shitty as the 3.1 rating that “ Cop and a ½” (starring Burt Reynolds and some little black kid) managed to attain. One user even posted a message that said “It’s a fun movie for kids, but after puberty it’s crap.” Now I don’t know what “Surf Ninjas” has to do with the appearance of hair on Mr. Happy, but that’s just a damn funny comment.

The movie opens with a scene of Johnny and schmucko surfing in the ocean. Of course, the only time that you can tell it’s them is when there is a close up of their faces. When there is real surfing going on, the stuntmen are thrown into the waves. This is a pretty funny scene however, because the doubles look nothing like the two actors. The guy that is supposed to be Johnny looks like Ricky “the Dragon” Steamboat. I don’t even know what to say about schmucko’s double, the dude looks like they found him sleeping on the beach that morning, gave him a surfboard and threw his ass in the water.

Johnny and schmucko are then back in their little hut on the beach, eating breakfast and listening to “Van Halen” (sounds more like Bobby Budnick’s band) with their father, Ned Ditka. They hear a sound in the kitchen, and go to investigate. In the kitchen we see a shot of a big ass knife, and immediately schmucko’s head is cut off. WOW! What a way to start the movie off! They cut that little bastards head right off in the beginning! I guess this is where Wes Craven got the idea to kill off Drew Barrymore in the opening scene of “Scream.” Bravo, well played.

Obviously, I made that up. Instead, we hear Schneider’s voice chime in as he asks the trio if they want chives in their omelets. Oh, Schneider, you rascal! We learn that Schneider’s name in the movie is “Iggy,” and we also learn that he apparently had rough man-sex with Ned Ditka the night before. Ditka actually implies this as he tells Iggy to give him back his boxer shorts, which Iggy has on. It also seems that Iggy is wearing a pair of these boxers on his head. No joke, this is just one bizarre scene. And creepy, nonetheless.

Iggy, Johnny and the little tool head to school, and moto-surf on the way there. Do you even want to know what “moto-surfing” is? I didn’t think so. All that I’m going to say is that in real life it would lead to casualties a la that scene in “The Program” where the moron lays down in a highway so the cars literally run over him.

When they get to school, Johnny realizes that he was supposed to prepare a traditional ceremony for the visiting Baba Ram that day. D’oh! Luckily, Johnny sees four students wearing graduation gowns and hatches an idea. He is a clever one.

The Baba Ram is played by Keone Young, an actor that generally fills in the role as the token Asian guy in a movie or television show. I’m positive that anyone reading this has seen the guy before. He has played the roles of Pol Pot, Mr. Woo, Ming, Mr. Tang, Mr. Ksi, Benny Ying, Daryl Tanaka, Eddie Wong, Bob Kanuka, Karaoke Singer, Michael Kwan (not Michelle), Kuzo, Japanese Bowler, Lt. Col. Onizuka Ellison, William Wu, Don Ho, Governor Ho, Mr. Wantanabe, Detective William Wu, Attorney Victor Eng, Dr. Honowa, Kumu Pomo, and yes, even Katsu in films ranging from “Striptease” to “Legally Blonde 2” and television shows like “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Talk about typecast. He shattered the mold however, when he appeared as Ralph the Limo Driver in “Here Come the Munsters” and Ron the Repairman in “Bad Day on the Block.” Good for him.

Anyway, he’s the Baba Ram, some holy guy, and he is visiting the high school for no apparent reason. He is sitting in the audience of the theatre in the school, and the crowd of high school kids in there have magically changed from mostly white to completely Asian! This is just like the Wrestlemania 7 match between Demolition and Tenyru and Kitao where the crowd does the same exact thing. I love it when that happens!

So, Johnny, now also donning a graduation uniform, comes out on stage with his four buddies he just found and begins chanting in you know, the traditional Asian way. I don’t ask questions, I just listen to what “Surf Ninjas” tells me. But then, out of nowhere, Johnny and his back up singers start singing “Barbara Ann!” Get it?!? Barbara Ann, Baba Ram? They sound exactly the same! This is definitely the peak of the movie, as Johnny lip-synchs and bops around on stage to the delight of everyone but the principal.

The movie gets pretty nutty from here on out, if you would believe that. I could go on for days about this classic, so I’ll just give you the rundown of the highlights.

-Ninjas try to kill schmucko by jumping through his class window, but some pirate ninja stops them.
-Ninjas try to kill Johnny and schmucko in the ocean with a FUCKING harpoon gun. Last time I checked, you use those things to kill motherfucking whales. This could have been a great scene if Johhny did not inadvertently hit the assassin with his surfboard, knocking him unconscious.
-Ditka’s burger joint is blown up by camouflage-wearing ninjas. Schmucko refers to the ninjas as “Quimbys.” Five dollars to anyone who can give me the definition of that word.
-Ditka kidnapped after pirate ninja (Zatch, he wears an eyepatch) saves the kids
-Iggy’s hair is red, I forgot to mention that. Truly bizarre and hypnotic.
-Tone Loc appears as a cop and utters the unintelligible phrase, “goodnadahere.” I cannot tell you how many times I went back to try and decipher that. Like I said before, his performance was mailed in big time, although this role seemingly landed him the similar one in “Ace Venture: Pet Detective.”
-Zatch tells Johnny and his deuchbag brother that they are heirs to the thrown in Patu San, some island near Japan.
-Johnny realizes his ninja skills and goes buck wild TMNT 2 style on some ninjas.
-Schmucko realizes his “see-er (seeer? seeur? whatever)” abilities and reads the future with his FUCKING SEGA GAME GEAR.
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-Johnny, Zatch, Iggy, Shmucko, Johhny’s bride to be, and Tone Loc head to Patu San to rescue Ned Ditka, reclaim the thrown and kick Leslie Nielsen (Colonel Chi) the fuck out of Dodge.
-Iggy makes a plethora of funnys. (Example: Zatch, the pirate ninja (he has an eye patch) busts out a pack of cigarettes when they need to find a light for a stick of dynamite. He says, “I know, I know, I need to quit,” and Iggy replies, “Maybe you should get the patch.” ZiiiiiiiiiiiiiiNG!)
-We find out that Johnny’s bride to be is a nympho.
-The fellowship of assholes make surfboards out of trees and surf around the island to sneak up on Chi’s fortress. Only Johnny and schmucko know how to surf, but miraculously everyone else picks it up on their first try! DO YOU BELIVE IN MIRACLES?!?! YESSSSS!!!!!!111
-Big fight scene, good guys win thanks to Game Gear used as a weapon and a big party ensues.

Okay, now that I’ve “successfully” made the jump from the first 10 minutes of the movie to the last one and half, I can stop writing this in highlight form.

Johnny gives a speech, but no one really gives a fuck so Schmucko yells out “Kwantsu dudes!” for about the 14th time in the movie. The people LOVE IT, so Adam…err schmucko mutters that it must mean “free beer or something.” I personally think that it means “we got this fuck to pay five dollars for this DVD!”

A big party breaks out and Johnny delivers an encore performance of Barbara Ann as the credits start to roll. And guess what, the Baba Ram joins in on the singing and hits those high notes like a motherfucker! Brilliant!

All in all, I’d recommend this film if you are either going through puberty (he was right!) or stoned out of your mind. Watch it for the Baba Ram scene and of course the Sega Game Gear ones. Hilarity will ensue. Maybe. Kwantsu, dudes!

Questions or comments? E-mail Jim Byrne at Y2JimProblem1@yahoo.com