Many people believe I am a hater. I have been called Debbie Downer. A Negative Nancy, even. It is really a shame that no one has thought of a clever alliteration in the masculine form. It makes the name-calling that much worse. Anyway, I am really not one of those though. It just so happens that most things people do just annoy the hell out of me. Why? Because they do stupid things that get in my way and make my day worse.

So what if I have a short temper? It means I know what I want. I have direction in life. There are lots of things that make me happy, give me joy. But listening to me list those is not very amusing. So here are just a few of the things that really piss me off ...

To help me illustrate my hated, I have brought a friend along with me. His name is Gerard. Gerard the Gnome. He will rub his ass on things I dislike.

Gerard is slightly concerned that someone from his garden may recognize him, so he’ll be changing his shirt to a yellow one later on.

One thing that I really cannot stand is when I don’t win the lottery.

You know why? Because it means that some other schmuck did. I get all pumped when I go into whatever convenience store I happen to have come across and I just get this feeling... It’s like someone whispered into my ear, “Doug, buy a ticket. It is your day. You’ll win and all of your worries will fade into dust.”

I even say to God, “God, if I win, I will not just spend it on stupid shit and be irresponsible. I will give a million dollars to charity right away. Some children’s charity. The kids need it. I will even buy my Mom her dream home. Why not me? I deserve it.”

And then what happens? God says, “Ok Doug, that sounds like a great plan. I am glad you would put others in front of yourself. That is very respectable. First you just have to turn around and bend over for me, SO I CAN STICK THIS HUGE FOREIGN OBJECT UP YOUR ASS AND SCREW YOU OVER ONE MORE TIME AS I LET SOME HICK FROM NOWHERESVILLE WIN AND BLOW IT ALL ON A BEANIE BABY COLLECTION AND SPAM!”

Another thing I cannot stand is when people snore. Why do people snore? What is wrong with them? It is gross. Open your fucking mouth and breathe through that shit if you cannot do so through your nose without creating a sound that would frighten away a ravenous beast such as a raccoon!

I may be slightly biased in this subject though, as my roommate freshman year of college had the worst snoring problem in the world. Well it didn’t seem to be so much his problem as it was mine since his horrid noise did not inhibit his ability to sleep. I could not even think of a way to describe how awful it was to my family, so one night I videotaped my roommate snoring, and sent them a copy. I even showed it to the heads of the residence halls to help get me moved to another room eventually.

I tried everything to get to sleep, to drown out the noise. I went through at least five different types of earplugs, sleeping pills, listening to music, pillows over my head, anything and everything. Nothing worked. It was just one of many things at the University at Buffalo that fucked me over and made me miserable.

Another prominent feature of the University that drove me insane was my useless department. The Department of Media Study. Even its name was useless. Media Study? Try explaining that to someone on a job interview. “So I see here you went to school for.... Media Study? You studied the media? How so? Hmm... honestly, what did you really go for, because I mean what the hell kind of major is that?”

That department taught me nothing except how to rely on myself to get things done and that homosexuals can use Saran Wrap to eat out each other’s asses while getting food out of the refrigerator late at night. Yes, that was a video I had to watch in one of my classes. Its title was Midnight Snack,. It still haunts me to this day. What did that video teach me? Who the fuck knows. Not even the artiest of students in the class knew what the hell was going on.

In every single class, we were taught the bare minimum and given the attitude “Don’t worry about it; you’ll learn about the other stuff in future classes.” I graduated over a year ago and am still waiting for those classes. We had to even teach ourselves in one class. The instructor apparently thought it better to use his so-called expertise videotaping himself masturbate. I am serious too, there was apparently a video of him doing this.

The last thing that really got under my skin about the Media Study Department was that everyone got an A if you handed something in. That actually sounds great, but when you are one of the better students to begin with and actually put forth effort into projects, then some kid shoots himself typing on a keyboard and gets the same grade as you, it is not very splendid at all.

I hate Bob Costas and I will tell you why. He over dramatizes everything. Costas is at his worst during the Olympics. He could take someone’s first dive into the pool and make it seem as though the fate of the known universe rested on this person getting above an 8.3. Then I also just hate broadcasters who span multiple sports. They do not seem to know as much about the sport as someone who is concentrated on just one. Bob Costas and his piers are simply watered down broadcasters.

Why do people always say, “I have a question” after they raise their hand in class and the teach calls on them? No fucking shit you have a question. I really doubt you raised your hand to help air out your armpit because you use Speed Stick anti-perspirant which is not a good deodorant and has terrible wetness protection. Just raise your hand, ask the damn question and let us get on our way.

Another type of question asker I hate is the one who already knows the answer and they simply ask it to point out to everyone else how they know it. Sometimes this guy will also do it to make the teacher look bad. Smug bastards.

I hate Susan Sarandon. I hate her, cannot stand her. I even hated her before I knew she was a slimy liberal. Now I despise her. If you are so for all the crap you claim to be, why do you not give away all of your money you rich slut! I also hate it when actors or famous people try to influence people on real things such as politics. Why the hell should we listen to you over some politician? All you do is lie for a living too! Also, everyone remembers what the drama students in their various schools were like. They were flaming idiots who ran around dancing and sticking their nose up in the air at everyone. Now they make millions of dollars and they are normal? No. That is why the celebrity world is scandalous. They are all just a bunch of crazy asses who love starting trouble.

Then there are those like Diddy. (Please note, this article was written September 2005, when Sean Combs referred to himself simply as Diddy. If you are reading this anytime in the future and his is now making you spell it out and call him D-I-D-D-Y, I am sorry for you.) Vote or Die? Fuck you Diddy. How about give me a million dollars, and then I’ll vote for some shit.

Back to Susan Sarandon, the true muse of my hatred of the celebrity world. She is a terrible actress, and she is simply not attractive. She never was either, even before her boobs sagged down to her waist! Yet she walks around thinking it because people allow her to. I would say to that bitch, “Hey, bitch, you are not attractive. Put those puppies away and keep them there until Tim Robbins unleashes them in the safety of your own bedroom!”

I would like to thank Gerard for helping me illustrate my disgust with the above topics. Stay tuned because I am sure I will think of other things that infuriate me and later write about it.

Questions? Comments? Don’t bother e-mailing me, just say it in the forums!