Okay, so we hit a bit of a snag with the “Top 100 Douchebags” feature. Basically, we’re all lazy fucks who are too tired to masturbate let alone write an article after a long day of work. On weekends, we just want to drink, or in my case, hide under the blankets and pretend that I’m a groundhog.

If there’s one thing that we do well here at ZubazPants.com, it’s eventually deliver. So we are starting with small increments of douchebags. Mainly, we’re adding douchebags five at a time, once every week…or two weeks. Will it work? Maybe, maybe not. Hell, we may even get bored and stop at Douchebag #87. Why? Well, we don’t do this for money, and to be honest, we get little if any feedback…with the exception of Ian Valentine, who’s a glory hogging prick. We all hate him.

There’s not much driving us to do this. We just write what we want, when we want. So let’s see if this grand experiment works, shall we? I, Matt Fishman, again wrote these entries. Don’t get used to it. More writers shall join the fray soon.

DOUCHEBAGS ASSEMBLE!!!

Farris Hassan

I saw that look in your eye when you read the name. Farris Hassan is not a terrorist, you racist fuck. Just because you see an Arab name, you automatically assume that he’s a terrorist? You make me sick. I can’t believe you would even think that.

Farris Hassan was a 16-year old kid from Fort Lauderdale who decided to just hop on a plane to Iraq in 2005 so he could write a real kickass report about life there. You see, Farris was a spoiled brat of a wealthy doctor, and he had a big ego because he was popular and really rich. He was also completely out of touch with reality, and thought if he went to Iraq, he would not be harmed.

Amazingly, Farris was right. He was not harmed. Of course, being Arab himself, he blended in better than, let’s say, a Swede would in a crowded Baghdad market. He then strolled into an Associated Press office and said, “Hi, I’m Farris Hassan, a rich idiotic douchebag who wandered around Baghdad, and I would have had my nuts chopped off once it was discovered that I was actually more American than a Fluffernutter.”

“I’m so cool. I went to Iraq. I also eat my own shit because it looks like chocolate.”

When word got out, the media was all abuzz about this douchebag’s journey. As Farris got off the airplane on American soil, cameras and reporters shoving their microphones into his face surrounded him. Luckily, he had a FUCKING ENTOURAGE of steroid abusing, wife beater-wearing, fake tan-sporting high school friends, who pushed those reporters back. Now that is quite a douchebag move – an entire entourage of douchebags! When I saw that on television, I felt like the entire city of Fort Lauderdale deserved to be shat upon. Or at least urinated upon.

You may notice that I’m speaking in the past tense about Farris Hassan. Why? Has he straightened out? Did he admit what he did was very stupid? Is he no longer a douchebag? No. I write about him in the past tense because he is now a 17-year old douchebag instead of a 16-year old douchebag.

People say Farris was brave for doing what he did. Are you people fucking stupid? The kid is a brat who probably gets away with whatever the hell he wants at home. For shit’s sake, the Boston Globe found out his FUCKING FATHER paid for his ticket to Iraq! All you Farris supporters are doing is encouraging more doucebagginess worldwide! Now Farris is probably getting his dick sucked weekly from all sorts of dumb whores for being a rich, stupid, yet extremely lucky, douchebag.

Harlan “Flat-Top” Meyers

Ever see the movie Necessary Roughness? I have, and I love it. I think it’s one of the best comedies about football ever made, despite having both Sinbad and Rob Schneider in supporting roles. The music played at the end of the final game is my favorite victory music ever (sorry to give it away, but yes, they do win).

The douchebag in this case is a man that the fictional Texas State University Fightin’ Armadillos meet in a bar. His name is Harlan “Flat-Top” Meyers, and he’s the star defensive player of the champion Texas Colts (not sure which fake college they’re actually from). Harlan is a fucking asshole, not to mention a great, big douchebag.

He’s an asshole because he immediately picks a fight with our heroes, although quarterback Paul Blake (the almighty Scott Bakula) tries to calm him down by buying him a beer. Harlan is a douchebag because he immediately pours that beer on Blake’s head. DOUCHEBAG MOVE, HARLAN! Then Harlan the Douche says, “If you’re buying, then you better buy me an entire keg. Or better yet, put a spigot in that fat Buddha over there.” After referring to Manumana, the huge Hawaiian Defensive Lineman, in that way, Blake clocks Harlan three times HARD. But fucking shit, Harlan is not even fazed. He kind of smirks and opens his eyes wide for second to absorb the second of pain he might have experienced, but he’s totally fine. A huge brawl breaks out.

Not enough proof that Harlan is a douchebag? Look at the shirt that he wore to the bar:

Ugh…

If someone wore that to a bar – I mean any bar, even in Texas – they will definitely be laughed at, or at least snickered at behind their backs. Who the hell wears a shirt that resembles their fucking state flag? I know Texans have a lot of pride in their state, but holy shit, I know they have enough common sense to draw the line at that shirt. If any of my relatives from Texas own a shirt like that, they’re banned from my household.

Don’t worry. Harlan “Flat-Top” Meyers the Football Playin’, Texas Lovin’ Douchebag gets one of the best comeuppances ever. As Harlan charges at Blake in the final play of the final game, Manumana suddenly tackles him so hard that Harlan’s facemask breaks off, causing a pool of blood to erupt from his mouth. He is knocked out cold. Booyah!

The Jeopardy Clue Crew

I watch Jeopardy whenever a shitty episode of The Simpsons is on. Seeing as how The Simpsons crapped out around season 10, and they’re now up to around season 93, way more than half of the episodes shown on syndication are shitty. This leaves plenty of Jeopardy time. Also, I know Jeopardy is officially spelled with an exclamation point at the end, but it’s just plain annoying to the reader.

Jeopardy went through a bit of a format change some seasons ago. The producers probably thought that Alex Trebek wasn’t enough to capture the audience with his Canadian charm and cocky swagger anymore. So they brought in the bright-eyed Clue Crew.

Clockwise from top: Token Asian, token blonde chick, token older yet wise black woman, token Hispanic, and token white geek

I hate the Clue Crew. What a bunch of douchebags. They don’t add anything to the show. If anything, they fuck up the contestants. Basically, a member of the Clue Crew is flown to, for example, Holland with a camera crew. They stand in front of a windmill, the camera rolls, and the Clue Crew member says, “These objects are well known in Holland. They mill corn thanks to wind power and are known as these.” Done. The Clue Crew member just flew to fucking Holland for that. Now it’s on to the next amazing destination while having to do minimal work. Meanwhile, I’m in a miserable job with an hour commute. So yeah, the Clue Crew are douchebags because I’m jealous.

But they really do mess with the contestants’ game. Jeopardy is a game of mind and timing, and the contestants are focused on the categories read by Trebek. It’s a zone that even the viewer is in. But when a Clue Crew question pops up, all of the sudden we’re looking at some douche talking about the Kremlin. A Clue Crew question is usually not answered because the contestants are like, “W-What the fuck was that?” It ruins everything. It ruins the flow of the great game show known as Jeopardy.

Larry Koopa

Larry Koopa is the fourth youngest of King Bowser Koopa’s kids, or Koopalings. While the other Koopalings have distinct personalities, Larry is just an uninspired douchebag. Dig this: Wendy is a girl, Iggy is a nerd, Lemmy is insane, Roy is a bully, Morton’s a brute with a metal head, and Ludwig has all their powers combined. Larry is just Larry. Oh, he has a Mohawk. Okay. That doesn’t make him special.

What a disgrace to the Koopa name

Man, what a douchebag. He’s the first boss in Super Mario Bros. 3 and the last Koopaling in Super Mario World. Both times he’s extremely easy to defeat. He’s also in one of the later titles wielding a tennis racket or some jazz. No accessory in the world will make you more menacing, Larry. Just run along, douchebag. Oh shit, maybe he’s retarded or something. That could explain why he’s the first boss in Super Mario Bros. 3, since he’s the dumbest. In Super Mario World, Bowser probably realized that Larry shouldn’t wander too far away being a mongoloid and all, so he kept him close to the castle, hence why Larry is the last Koopaling you face in that game! Crikey!

Did I just spend the last two paragraphs making fun of a retarded Kooapling? I need to seriously examine where my life is heading.

John Mayer

I feel really bad putting John Mayer on here because I hear that he’s a stand-up guy in real life. Then again, you know his songs. When John Mayer picks up his guitar and sings, things take a turn for douchebag. I don’t understand how a guy who talks perfectly normal has a singing voice that resembles someone who has gravel in their throat with their tongue cut out. Seriously. If you impersonate John Mayer, you get the best sound when you move your tongue in the back of your mouth and sing. I feel like he’s doing a bad impersonation of Dave Matthews, and since Dave Matthews is overrated frat boy garbage to begin with, that does not help John Mayer move out of douchebag range.

It doesn’t take a genius to know that John Mayer’s a douchebag

Honestly, John Mayer, just stop singing and you’re off the list. Please. I’m begging you. And don’t date Jessica Simpson. Please. I’m begging you. And stop doing cool things like appearing on shows and seeming really down to Earth because it makes it tough to rip on you. Please. I’m begging you. Look at how you’re making me beg, you douchebag. GOD, I HATE YOU!

Okay, that’s all for now! Look forward to numbers 90-85 in a week or two. Keep it locked on ZubazPants.com for the latest updates!

Questions? Comments? Manumana? E-mail me at Fishman347@yahoo.com

Oh yeah, you should also check out my archives right here