I love my name. I love it so much that I want to have hot, filthy sex with it. I want to oil up the “a” in Fishman and just go wild. Maybe I can have a threesome with the “tt” at the end of Matt (or the middle of Matthew). I just love my name so much. Pat O’Brien knows how it is. Right, Pat?

That’s how I feel about my name. I feel so much emotion towards it that I cannot bear to share it with anyone else. That is why I am here today, folks. There are people out there with my name. MY name. Who are these pricks? Who DARES use my holy name, so holy that if uttered without my written consent, numerous zealots loyal to me would hunt the perpetrator down and skin him/her alive like an animal? Below is a list of people also named Matthew “Matt” Fishman. Let’s see if they are worthy of my name.

Matt Fishman

Our first subject is Matt Fishman from Boston. He runs F.I.S.H. Magical Enterprises. When I first read that, I was thinking that he owned a factory not unlike Willy Wonka’s factory, but instead of chocolate, he produced rainbows and smiles. What else could a “magical enterprise” be unless you’re selling LSD? As it turns out, Matt Fishman is a magician and a motivational speaker. F.I.S.H. stands for Fantastic Incredible Showcase of Hocus-Pocus.

I share my name with a magician.

”BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC!” – Fish the Magish

A magician, huh? You think you’re better than me? Think yo’ shit don’t stink with all that card trick booya yo’ punk ass pulls all day? Let me ask you this, LET ME ASK YOU THIS: Can you kick my ass?

You are not worthy of my name, Fish the Magish. You better pull another name out of that top hat of yours.

Matt Fishman

This Matt Fishman is like 12-years old. He’s some punk kid who’s an amateur wrestler. This is all I need: some lil’ prick using my famous name to further his own career in wrestling. The name of his team is Team Matrix, which is no good in my book. No Matt Fishman would ever fight for a Team Matrix. I once played on a softball team called Logjammin’. Now THAT’S a name for a team.

I could kick his ass

So back off, junior. Find yourself another name, because Matt Fishman is already spoken for. And Team Matrix sucks balls, too.

Matt Fishman

He’s not the knight

Need I say anything? Moving on…

Matt Fishman

This Matt Fishman thinks he’s an artist or something. Look at these paintings.

Horrible!

Awful!

So what if these paintings are actually just some elementary school art projects? They still suck. This fool is ruining my name! What’s with that first painting? I can’t tell up from down in that carnage. You make me sick.

Matt Fishman

Remember Roseanne, that sitcom about that fat lady with the fat husband? And two different actresses played the older daughter during its run, but the old one came back to the show? And the final season was the biggest load of crap ever produced? Anyway, the actor who played Roseanne’s son was named Michael Fishman. His brother is Matt Fishman. Matt Fishman was on a special episode of Roseanne where the family apparently acted like they were in a 50’s sitcom or something. Whatever it was, it probably wasn’t funny and made numerous puppies cry. Matt Fishman played “Stinky Conner,” a new addition to the fat Conner family.

I could kick your ass, too…I think

Matt Fishman hasn’t acted much since then. I guess Roseanne ate him. Yes, that was a Roseanne fat joke and I know those haven’t been done since she lost weight many years ago, but it’s something. It’s something to hold on to. Oh right, and Matt Fishman should give up his rights to my name, too. Stinky motherfucker.

Matt Fishman

This Matt Fishman is probably the biggest challenger to my name. He was Program Director at KCSP-AM in Kansas City, but then became Executive Producer for all Major League Baseball programming at XM Satellite Radio. This man has clearly done more in his life than I will ever hope to accomplish. So for those of you out there who own XM and love baseball, you should thank a Matt Fishman for that. But not the Matt Fishman. Just a Matt Fishman. I’m the Matt Fishman.

XM Fishman is clearly a threat. The other Matt Fishmans up to this point were hacks. So I want you, dear Zubazkateers, to e-mail threats to XM Fishman, telling him to change his name. Here is his direct phone number and e-mail:

202.380.4701
matt.fishman@xmradio.com

Soon this man will know the power that I wield.*

The only known picture of XM Fishman

* Please do not actually call or e-mail Matt Fishman at XM. I’m sure that he’s a nice guy and I actually don’t care that he shares my name. I am hereby not accountable if any idiot takes this obvious gag too far. Yes, I know that posting his e-mail and phone number here is just asking for trouble, but he put it on the Internet, so it’s no big secret since it’s public information. I trust you, dear reader, to use common sense.

Those are all the Matthew “Matt” Fishman’s that I could find. There are many more out there, believe me. Hell, in kindergarten, there was a kid in another class named Matt Fishman. There’s a Matt Fishman who works for CRT Capital Group in Connecticut. Obviously, a vigilante group must be formed in order to hunt these men down one by one. Who’s with me? Thanks, I knew all of you would be cool with it.

On a lighter note, when I typed “Matt Fishman” into Google Image Search, this doozy also popped up:

Questions? Comments? Fish the Magish? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com

Oh yeah, you should also check out my archives right here