Welcome back to The Hollywood Asshole! Let’s dive right in!

Britney Spears held back tears on TV news show Dateline last night as she fought to defend her marriage to dancer/scumbag Kevin Federline. The pregnant pop star told interviewer Matt Lauer, “We’re very happy together right now,” as he quizzed her about the state of her marriage, which has become the subject of tabloid gossip for much of 2006. Spears then cracked open a Pabst Blue Ribbon to wash down the tobacco that she had accidentally swallowed.

Producers of the big screen adaptation of cult TV show Magnum PI keen to cast Ben Affleck as the famous Hawaiian private investigator. Charles Floyd Johnson, one of the producers of the original 1980s TV series, insists the Daredevil star would be perfect for the mustachioed role after Tom Selleck held out too long to reprise the part. So let’s review: a movie remake of an 80’s TV show with Ben Affleck in its starring role. That sound you hear? The money of the studio that invested in this movie going down the toilet.

Madonna and Lindsay Lohan are planning an unlikely duet, according to US reports. The odd couple have reportedly become new best friends due to their links to Kabbalah, and…I’m sorry. We here at The Hollywood Asshole are sick of the Kabbalah. Celebrities need to get over themselves.

And here’s a report about two people who will never get over themselves! Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s three-week-old daughter has already made her first fashion statement after appearing on the cover of America's People magazine in a trendy T-shirt. Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt wore a vintage-washed grey cotton T-shirt with the words “The Pots & Pans Band” on her first magazine cover, causing the $42 shirt to immediately fly off store shelves. Meanwhile, India and China are slowly becoming more powerful than the United States itself, and this is just one example out of the myriad of reasons why.

Beloved US TV star Jaleel White laughing off reports he committed suicide while partying in Miami, Florida. News of the death of the actor, who played Steve Urkel in TV hit Family Matters, has been circulating on the Internet for a month after a bogus story reported his demise. Experts say they immediately knew the reports were false because if Jaleel White actually did kill himself, no one would care enough to report it.

Maddona has ended her friendship with Britney Spears, after the singer announced she was no longer studying Kabbalah, according to media reports in the US. Oh goddammit, another Kaballah report? What the fuck, man? No way in hell. We said no more.

Moviemaker David Lynch has filed for divorce from his wife of a month. He says that his wife, Mary Sweeney, just couldn’t relate to his daily routine, which consisted of sharing a cup full of frogs with a backwards talking midget, dancing the waltz with a unicorn underneath a tree that had a stoplight hanging from it, smashing his face into a mirror while screaming “No hay banda!”, transforming into a younger version of himself while trying to solve a mystery that involves Swamp Thing, and of course, just being kind of weird.

Spider-Man star Tobey Maguire and his longtime love Jennifer Meyer are expecting their first baby, according to media reports in the US. The couple share a home in Los Angeles and announced their engagement in April. A source tells American publication Star, “Jennifer is pregnant. It's still early, so they aren't talking about it publicly yet, but they are really happy.” Since they are a celebrity couple, possible baby names obviously include Zorgenakim Maguire, Bellybutton Maguire, Newsprint Maguire, Middletoe Maguire, Handsmells Maguire, Orc Maguire, Billboard Maguire, Shopping List Of Things I Need For Eric’s Party Maguire, and Maguire Maguire.

Matrimony mayhem movie Wedding Crashers was the big winner at the MTV Movie Awards on June 5th - picking up three prizes, including the coveted best film trophy. Funnymen Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson were lauded for their comic pairing in the film with a best On-screen Team award…oh wait, this just in. The MTV Movie Awards means jack shit to anyone in the movie industry.

A man charged with robbing Lost star Josh Holloway and his wife Yessica at gunpoint last year was indicted by a grand jury in Honolulu, Hawaii, yesterday. Ruben E. Royce, 21, stands accused of robbing five properties, including the October 12 burglary of Holloway's residence. Bail has been set at $1 million, but I say fuck that. Anyone who does anything to ANY of the stars of Lost deserves the death penalty. I’m not talking about the “wait in a cell for ten years then be executed” death penalty. I’m talking about on the spot death penalty. After the guy is found guilty, the judge should take out a shotgun from under his/her robe and blast Ruben’s head clean off. *

* We are not biased toward any show here at The Hollywood Asshole.

Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony gave New York's Puerto Rican Day a boost yesterday when they joined city mayor Michael Bloomberg on the parade route. The Puerto Rican couple made an unexpected appearance, thrilling screaming fans, but Anthony insists he’s always been a big supporter of his national day. He says, “The Puerto Rican parade has been a long-standing tradition in my life. It was always an event that I looked forward to every single year.” He and Lopez then asked police to make sure that no one made eye contact with them.

Heath Ledger burst into tears after paparazzi attacked him with water pistols at the Australian premiere of Brokeback Mountain in Sydney earlier this year, according to his father. The actor's relationship with the Australian press soured during filming for new movie Candy, and the paparazzi decided to have the last word at the January premiere of his Oscar-nominated film. Ledger's father Kim tells the Sydney Daily Telegraph newspaper his heart was broken when his son called just hours after the run-in, saying he wanted to sell his waterfront home in Sydney and move to the US permanently. He says, “Heath had to go into the cinema and introduce that film soaking wet. He cried all night. He rang me and said, ‘Dad, that's it - sell the house.’” Is a joke really needed for this one?

That’s all for this installment of The Hollywood Asshole! Keep watching the stars!

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