We are planning a massive feature called the Top 100 Douchebags (or something). It’s quite an endeavor, seeing as how there are 100 people to write about, and it’s taking a real long time. So, to tide you cats over, here is a preview of five of my submissions to the Top 100 Douchebags!

Flintheart Glomgold

Flintheart Glomgold, for those of you who are either too young or too stupid to know, is from Ducktales. He is the The Second Richest Duck in the World (yes, that is an official title, so it is capitalized). Flintheart hated Scrooge McDuck because Scrooge was The Richest Duck in the World.

So why is this duck a douchebag? First off, he is upset that he is The Second Richest Duck in the World. That basically means that he has millions upon millions of dollars. He can still buy a fleet of private jets and still have plenty of money to buy an entire tropical island. The fucker is rich! Stinking rich! Real stinking rich! Yet he’s angry that he’s not the richest? Fuck you, Glomgold. You’re a douchebag.

What are you plotting, Flintheart? Some douchebaggery, perhaps?

Now I thought my anger at this character would end there, but I was wrong. I did some research and discovered that Flintheart has been around in Disney lore since the 1950’s due to the Scrooge McDuck comic books that Ducktales was based on (I purchased a reprinting of a classic issue where Scrooge discovers a pink snowy orb he thinks is worthless, only to discover a teaspoon of its material becomes mountains of ice cream when added to water. It was so awesome.). The point I’m trying to make is that the comic books were great. They were also a bit darker, but not by much. For example, Flintheart tried to drop a bomb onto Scrooge and his nephews in one issue. You would never see that in the cartoon. Also – and this is the part that adds to Flintheart’s douchebag title - is his origin was not originally Scottish. That was changed in Ducktales…but why? Well, in the comics, Flintheart was from Apartheid South Africa. So not only is he a greedy piece of shit, he’s racist, too!

Racist comic book Flintheart hailing Hitler compared to kid friendly Ducktales Flintheart after his Scottish makeover.

So let’s add it all up: incredibly rich but mad he’s not the richest, always tried to ruin the plans of Scrooge, Huey, Dewey, and Louie, and he hates black people. Flintheart Glomgold is a huge douchebag.

Troy Dyer

Who is Troy Dyer? Troy Dyer was a character played by Ethan Hawke in the 1994 movie Reality Bites. Before we get to why he is a douchebag, let’s have some background information on the movie. I saw Reality Bites when it was first aired on HBO in 1995. I didn’t really get it. I was annoyed by the characters, especially Troy, and I didn’t understand why Troy got Lelaina Pierce (Winona Ryder) in the end by saying that his dad died. However, I was 13-years old, and I assumed I simply didn’t know enough about the world and relationships yet, and if I saw the movie again when I was older, it would make sense.

I saw the movie again in college and I realized something: it had nothing to do with me at all. Reality Bites is just a really shitty movie. As a matter of fact, because of Reality Bites, I hate Generation X. I hate an entire generation of human beings. You guys are annoying, self-glorified buckets of pig shit, and I mean that in the worst possible way.

Which is why Troy Dyer is a douchebag. Troy represents the typical holier-than-thou prick of Generation X, who’s really just a fucking bag of ass hair who deserves to have his nose broken. I think we, the audience, are supposed to like Troy and root for him. I’m confused as to why I should. Everything about the guy makes me angry. Throughout the entire movie, people say he’s a genius. “He’s so smart – he’s an expert when it comes to Shakespeare!” The movie goes out of its way to show he quotes Shakespeare, like when he answers the phone by saying, “Hello, you've reached the winter of our discontent.” You fucking DOUCHEBAG! Troy deserves to have his balls cut off right then and there. And I know Generation X-ers loved that line, because it’s quoted on IMDb.

I hate you. No funny picture caption here. Move on.

Guess what? I also know a lot about Shakespeare, and I’m a fucking moron. My final paper in Later Shakespeare entitled “Falstaff and Richard III: Beloved Scoundrels” kicked a whole lot of ass, yet my message machine is not like Troy Dyer’s, which is this: “At the beep please leave your name, number, and a brief justification for the ontological necessity of modern man's existential dilemma, and we'll get back to you.” That, my friends, is the answering machine message of douchebag.

That guy who never shuts the fuck up about the UK version of The Office

The American version of The Office is funny. It’s not just funny, but it’s the funniest show on NBC, possibly the funniest show on network television. The show got off to a rough start, I’ll admit. The first episode was eh, and the first season was dry, but slowly getting better.

The second season (which just ended at the time of this writing) was amazing. The season premiere blew me away and it was legendary from there. With its ratings surging, The Office was moved to the coveted Must See TV Thursday lineup on NBC (which, for a few seasons, was void of any programs that anyone must or should see).

But there is always someone who has to be a douchebag, even when it comes to hilarious shows. That someone is the guy who never shuts the fuck up about the UK version of The Office. For those who do not know, The Office shown on NBC is based on a show from England/Britain/United Kingdom/Bad Teeth Land that is also called The Office. This show is apparently really great. I say “apparently” because I have never seen it. The main reason for this is because I have a pet peeve about people recommending things to me, especially when they oversell it, and I like to piss them off by purposely not seeing what they endorse. Fans of the British Office never shut up about how great, groundbreaking, genius, and other positive words beginning with “G” the UK Office is. They never stop going, “Oh, Ricky Gervais is soooo brilliant! He was sooooo smart to end it after two seasons! David Brent is the best character ever created by the hand of man!”

These people refuse to watch the American version of the show. They saw the lackluster first episode and it sealed the deal. They preached that it would only be a matter of time before the American version of The Office got cancelled, spouting that we ignorant small-brained Americans just didn’t get it.

“They got Tim Canterbury’s character all wrong!”

“Oh my God, Gareth is so much better than Dwight! They totally didn’t get the subtlety!”

“Waaah waaah waaah!”

Nothing infuriates me more than seeing UK Office snobs bragging about how much better “their” show is. You will never see anyone praise a show as much as that guy who never shuts the fuck up about the UK version of The Office. No show can be that funny. Not even The Simpsons in its prime can be as funny as how these people describe their beloved UK version of The Office. There is such an air of superiority about them, too, like “You silly fools will never get it!” And it’s not like British people are saying it – it’s a bunch of American douchebags who got the UK Office on DVD.

But what really gets to me is that even now, with the conclusion of an excellent second season that was totally original than the British version and hilarious to boot, is that a good bunch of UK Office snobs still still refuse to admit that the American version is good. They just cannot admit that the American version proved them wrong. Luckily, there is now a devoted following of the American version of The Office who defend it from these idiots.

So I have a solution for that guy who never shuts the fuck up about the UK version of The Office. If you love the UK version of The Office so much, why don’t you marry it?

I know, it sounds like a lame solution, but hear me out. I actually mean he should marry his DVD of The Office. If he truly loves it so much, he should buy a big diamond ring, propose to the DVD, go to Massachusetts where it’s probably legal to marry a DVD, have a big ol’ wedding, and then go to Hawaii for a honeymoon. There, he should consummate the marriage by shoving the DVD of the UK version of The Office up his ass.

Lube it up real good now

By the way, on a related note, everyone was waiting with bated breath for the episode of The Simpsons written by Ricky Gervais. The episode SUCKED, and I hope it felt like a smack in the face for the UK Office snobs.

Rivers Cuomo

You are a douchebag, Rivers Cuomo. You are a talented musician and I like Weezer, but it doesn’t change the fact that you are a douchebag.

I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but something about Rivers rubs me the wrong way. I think maybe it’s because his name is Rivers, but that’s not his fault. He seems to be the type of guy that is a non-conformist, but is still an asshole that excludes people who are not like him. I worked with people like that and they are real douchebags, man.

“The douchebags are going hoooooooooooooooooome!”

What else? Well, he only likes Asian women. What, the other races aren’t good enough for you? He has also been known to use experimentation to inspire his writing, for example, fasting for a day (source: Wikipedia). He has also become celibate because it helps his music. That’s just plain silly. I know that it’s his right to do whatever it takes to inspire writing, but c’mon…you know there’s a hint of douchebag in that. Get over yourself, Rivers. You’re famous and rich. Act like it.

Pokey Minch

In Earthbound – the cult classic RPG that I love – there is a character named Pokey Minch. He is your next-door neighbor and friend. Near the beginning of the game, Pokey turns evil and starts working with an evil cult known as Happy Happyism. But wait, Pokey never turned evil – he just ditched you because you weren’t cool enough for him and Happy Happyism was the “in” thing. In fact, after the downfall of the cult, Pokey runs away to join the next coolest person out there, insulting you while he does it.

Pokey is the person who was your best friend in elementary school, and then suddenly felt he was too cool to hang out with you in middle school. By high school, you couldn’t believe you ever were friends. Plus, he’s fat and spoiled, so you just want to strangle the ever-living shit out of him.

Little picture, big douchebag

We all have had a person like Pokey in our lives, and we all know those former friends are douchebags. There is no form of life lower than Pokey. But relating Pokey to real life douchebags aside, he just blows. He’s a real prick. He acts like he doesn’t know your name at one point, he calls you a wiener, he spray paints bad things about you on walls, and if that weren’t bad enough, when he has no more cool people to hang out with, he resorts to hanging out with the epitome of evil, the alien lord Giygas. Man, what a douchebag. I won’t even get into the time when he fights you while in a spider-like machine. Fat piece of crap, I HATE HIM! Fuck Pokey!

Okay, that’s all you get for the preview, you crazy Zubaz fans. So please look forward to the Top 100 Douchebags feature, which will surely be an incredible read. Or something to read while bored at work.

Questions? Comments? Generation X? E-mail me at Fishman347@yahoo.com

Oh yeah, you should also check out my archives right here