Welcome to The Hollywood Asshole! Let’s jump right into the hottest celebrity news!

Julia Roberts is now doing Broadway. The Oscar-winning actress was so popular with New York theater-goers, that her first few lines were inaudible over the audience’s thunderous applause at the Bernard B. Jacobs theater. She enjoyed a successful Broadway debut Tuesday night with the first preview of Three Days Of Rain, although she burst out laughing when a plastic tomato prop bounced all over the stage. In truth, the prop tomato was trying to kill itself, unable to live in a world where such an overrated, Jack Nicholson-as-the-Joker-looking actress is beloved by so many.

Desperate Housewives star Teri Hatcher and American Idol host Ryan Seacrest have been photographed kissing after a cozy lunch in Malibu, California. The pair engaged in very public displays of affection as they took a stroll on the beach following lunch at a local restaurant last Saturday. Doctors predict that if the two ever have a child together, it will in fact be dumber than a retarded baby.

American talk show host Jay Leno won a New York state appeals court ruling that a lower court should have dismissed a lawsuit brought against him by a woman he ridiculed live on-air. With this court battle behind him, Leno can go back to his normal routine: conducting softball interviews with lame guests, scraping for a mediocre audience chuckle by showing minor typos in old newspaper headlines, and stealing jokes from Howard Stern.

Speaking of Howard Stern, That 70’s Show star Wilmer Valderrama spilled all regarding his Hollywood conquests during an appearance on the shock jock’s radio program yesterday. Among his revelations were that Lindsay Lohan was one of the best girl’s he’s ever had slept with, Ashlee Simpson was loud in bed, and he rated Jennifer Love Hewitt an “eight” out of ten when it came to sex. The actor talked about his sexual prowess in detail, claiming that he has been with two women at once and also engaged in anal sex with a famous actress, who he refused to name. This, of course, proves that there is no God, and we men must kill Valderrama, simply because it is not fair that a dude named “Wilmer,” whose only claim to fame is playing a dude named “Fez,” gets to bone so many famous chicks.

Actor Charlie Sheen refuses to accept the official explanation behind the terrorist atrocities of September 11, 2001, and believes the US government covered up what really happened. While on The Alex Jones Show, conspiracy theorist Sheen claims New York City’s Twin Towers fell as the result of a “controlled demolition.” It was hard to understand what Sheen was saying for most of the interview, for he was neck deep in a hooker’s vagina, while another hooker ate ice cream out of his asshole.

Movie veteran Harrison Ford refused to retire any time soon, although he will be a senior citizen in just two years time. The 63-year-old, who did his own fight scenes in recent thriller Firewall, insists he’s still fit enough for the big screen. I just want to ask him if Calista Flockhart broke into pieces when he screwed her.

Director Spike Lee has criticized George Clooney for highlighting Gone With the Wind actress Hattie McDaniel’s Oscar triumph in 1933 as an example of Hollywood’s “forward thinking.” While accepting his Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor earlier this month, Clooney fired back at critics who claim Hollywood is out of touch by citing McDaniel’s win. Lee says, “To use that as an example of how progressive Hollywood is is ridiculous.” Spike Lee obviously has not come to the realization that no one in America has given a shit about him or his opinions since 1992.

David Hasselhoff has been ordered to “remove his personal effects from the family residence” by a judge presiding over his nasty divorce battle. Hasselhoff’s wife claimed that the former Baywatch star abused her during their marriage. All I know is that one time David Hasselhoff bumped into my dad at a restaurant, and he felt so bad, that he offered to buy my dad a drink. From that class act move alone, Hasselhoff should be allowed to beat any woman his kind heart desires.

Actress Sharon Stone is such a fan of the TV show Huff, she took the writers out to lunch and begged them to create a part for her on the show. Ironically, she is not just a big fan of Huff, she is also the only fan. Writers agreed to make a part for her, only if she promised not to bare her wrinkled, saggy, varicose-veined body in Basic Instinct 2.

Jessica Simpson is taking adoption plans so seriously that she has hatched a plan to actually buy a Mexican orphanage. The pop star has been talking about her adoption hopes for months, revealing she almost took home a little boy when she visited the Casa Hogar Elim orphanage in Mexico City when she was a teenager in 1999, but stopped when she was informed that Mexicans are not pets, but actual people. Sources close to Jessica say that her father, Joe Simpson, often told a young Jessica that people who are not Anglo-Saxon Protestant are “animals,” and she took it literally.

Golden Globe-winning movie Brokeback Mountain was named last year’s Best Motion Picture at the 17th annual Gay And Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) Awards in New York City Monday night. Next week, Brokeback Mountain is expected to win the 1st annual Okay We Fucking Get It Already. It’s A Movie About Gay Guys. Big Fucking Deal (OWFGIAIAMAGGBFD) Award.

Star Jones Reynolds has lashed out at media reports that she almost died during a recent cosmetic surgery procedure. The View co-host was in Los Angeles undergoing a breast implant and lift procedure, when she required a blood transfusion earlier this month. Upon hearing that Star was still alive, and that she was still shooting her fat, untalented mouth off, the simultaneous groans of disappointment from the American public were heard as far as Portugal.

Jason Mewes, better known as the actor who played Jay in Clerks and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, has claimed that two years ago, pointless waste of space Nicole Richie dragged him into a toilet stall during a party and had sex with him. Interestingly enough, if Mewes pissed, shit, and vomited into the toilet, and then stuck his penis into it without flushing, it actually would have been more sanitary than having sex with Nicole Richie.

That’s all The Hollywood Asshole has for you this time around! Keep watching the stars!

Questions? Comments? Dumber Than A Retarded Child? E-mail me at Fishman347@yahoo.com

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