I am a Jew. You may also know me and my kind as Kikes, Yids, Heebs, Hooknoses, or my personal favorite, Red Sea Pedestrians (from Monty Python).

I am the best looking Kike ever!

However, I am also quite possibly the world's worst Jew. I don't know jack shit about my own religion. I had a Bar Mitzvah, but I didn't care about it. For you gentiles out there, during the services of a Bar Mitzvah (the boring part), the Bar Mitzvah-ee has to sing from a portion of the Torah. Yes, sing. You need to do it in a sing-songy type of way. My portion was about...something. I forget. The main point is that I was supposed to study my portion so I could sing it. Did I study? Fuck no. I didn't take a single look at the damn thing. I had to have these sessions with the cantor (guy who sings prayers during services) and I was so awful that he gave up on me. He said I could just read my portion, as long as I kept studying.

I still didn't study. This was 1995, man. I was playing Final Fantasy III and listening to Offspring. I was also too busy not studying for regular school. I didn't have time to study for Hebrew school. I just didn't care. So obviously when I had to read the Torah on the day of my Bar Mitzvah, I was totally fucked. The thing was total gibberish. There I was in front of all my family and friends with not a single clue of what to do. The strange thing was that I was not the least bit nervous because the rabbi kept whispering the words into my ear. I basically repeated what the rabbi said. That's like a major league baseball player using a tee during the World Series, but I somehow made it through. After I was done, the rabbi took me aside and dished out a line of advice that only a wise rabbi can give.

"Okay, you didn't do that good of a job."

Wow. I may be the only Jew who had a rabbi insult him right after he read from the Torah. I just shrugged because A) I really did do a bad job, B) I didn't care that I did a bad job, C) none of my relatives knew that I did a bad job, and D) my rabbi was a cunt. After I read my Torah portion, she was supposed to give a small speech about me. What did she say? Here it comes. Hold onto your hats, folks...

"Matthew is a fine young man."

Then she moved on. That was it! What a bitch! It turns out she only gave great speeches about kids on their Bar Mitzvah if they gave money to the temple! This one asshole kid got in trouble countless times, he was a total prick to me and other kids, but when it came to his Bar Mitzvah, she gave a fantastic speech about him because his parents gave the temple money!

You may think I'm a self-hating Jew. I am far from it. I'm proud that I'm a Jew and when my non-Jewish friends get a little too familiar with their joking, I tell them to cram it. In general, I just hate religion. Well, "hate" is a harsh word. Religion is fine to a point, just don't let it run your life. I don't want to get into a whole theological discussion here, but when a couple has 16 children and they want more because they believe God wants them to, an alarm should go off in anyone's head that those two people are not playing with a full deck. It has nothing to do with God. The couple was horny, they fucked, they didn't use birth control, so the wife got pregnant. God has nothing to do with it. Maybe He watched it happen and jacked off to it from up on high, but that's it.

"We both just love children and we consider each a blessing from the Lord," said Jim Bob Duggar to CNN, a man from Arkansas whose wife just gave birth to their 16th child. "I have asked Michelle if she wants more and she said yes, if the Lord wants to give us some she will accept them."

"Go fuck yourself," said the Lord. "Don't get me involved with your wife's tremendous, baby-spewing vagina. You rednecks breed like rabbits. Use a damn condom."

To me, religion is all the same. You sit in long, boring services and wish it would just end. You read a bunch of prayers that are basically the following: "God, you rule. You're just really cool. You never harsh on my buzz. You're just like...y'know...like, really, really great. I'm not gay or anything. I'm just saying." There. We covered every religious ceremony in the world.

ISRAEL

I can't stand Israel. Not the country or the people, just the whole American Jewish youth idea of Israel. You goyim don't know what I'm talking about, so let me explain. Jewish suburban kids love Israel. They think it's their destiny to visit Israel and have an amazing time. So they go off to Israel with their ripped khaki shorts, sandals, Dave Matthews Band shirts, and hemp necklaces in groups and come back like a bunch of brainwashed freaks. Now don't get me wrong - I'm sure it's a lovely place with many great sites and it's nice that my people have a homeland...but FUCKING CHRIST, the kids that visit it come back obnoxious. All they will talk about is, "Oh Israel this, Israel that, Israel the other thing! I can't wait to go back!" Say goodbye to your friend who went to Israel - he's now a nutcase.

This is what I know about Israel:

- There's a lot of sand

- The people there speak Hebrew

- Once in a while some Palestinian terrorist blows himself up in a crowded mall

- Really shitty trance music is popular there

- Any Israeli soldier could kill you using only a drinking straw

- It's fucking hot

And know what else? Most Israelis aren't that religious. They also think American kids who are transformed into Israel lovers when they visit are complete morons. Besides, New Yorkers think tourists always get in the way, so the Israelis must think the same about their tourists. I'm doing them a favor by not visiting. You think they want a big, dumb American like me hanging around? I know that I wouldn't.

When I mention my anti-visit Israel stance to my fellow Jews, they always get mad. I remember in high school gym class, these kids were babbling on and on about Israel and they asked me if I ever went. When I said no, they just couldn't accept it.

IDIOT: "Do you want to go?"

ME: "No."

IDIOT: "Why not?"

ME: "Because I don't want to."

IDIOT: "What do you mean you don't want to? Every Jew should go."

ME: "Why?"

IDIOT: "Because it's your homeland."

ME: "No, America is my homeland."

IDIOT: "No, it's not! Israel is every Jew's homeland! How can you talk about your homeland like that?"

ME: "You know what? Because of you, I vow to never step foot in Israel."

IDIOT: "HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?!"

ME: "Dude, I don't hate it. It's like if someone asked me if I ever wanted to visit Mauritania. I'm sure Mauritania is a great place, but I really don't want to visit it."

IDIOT: "But it's the Jewish homeland!"

ME: "That doesn't mean I have to go! I'm sure I'll live a full and happy life without seeing Israel."

To these assholes, it's either that you love Israel and visit, or you hate it and don't visit. There's no in between. You must visit or you're a terrible Jew, they believe. Which brings me to the finale of this part, which is aimed at all Israel-obsessed Americans: If you guys love Israel so much, THEN FUCKING MOVE THERE!!! If everything is so much better in Israel - the food, the people, the music, the weather, the jobs - move there! Shut your fucking mouths about how much better it is and buy a damn plane ticket to Tel Aviv AND DON'T COME BACK! You guys don't want America anymore? Fine. Then America doesn't want you anymore either. Stop using our facilities and leave, motherfucker.

JEWISH HOLIDAYS

Still don't think I'm a bad Jew? Here is a list of Jewish holidays and what I know about them.

Rosh Hashana - This is the Jewish New Year and it takes place in September/October. I don't know why the date changes. According to the Jewish calendar, this year is 5766, which makes the absence of flying cars even more unforgivable. I mean, c'mon. It's 5766 and we still don't have flying cars?

Yom Kippur - This is a day where you don't eat. If you manage to pull through, you are cleared of all sins for the past year in God's eyes. Little known fact: If you convert to Judaism in prison and observe Yom Kippur, your sentence automatically expires and you're free to leave. Just kidding. Big Ramone will still fuck you in the ass come shower time - you'll just be really hungry when he does it.

Sukkot - Some Jews build a stupid booth and hang vegetables from its ceiling or some shit. I don't know why. I guess it kills some time.

Simchat Torah - I don't know. Something to do with the Torah?

Hannukah (Chanukah?) - The Jewish Christmas. I know calling it that is blasphemous, but they come around the same time of year and both holidays include presents. My mom lights an eight-pronged lamp called a menorah, which is the only Jewish thing my family does anymore (except ordering Chinese food on Sundays and Christmas). It also satisfies her guilty conscience of being such a bad Jew. Anyway, a long time ago, some Jewish people were going through some tough times. They lit a lamp that only had enough oil to last a day. It ended up lasting eight days, so they considered it a miracle. It's kind of a lame miracle if you ask me. I mean, when my car's fuel light turns on and my car ends up going 50 more miles, I don't consider it a miracle. Not enough to make a holiday out of, anyway.

There's eight days of presents. I used to get a present everyday, with the most notable being Chrono Trigger, Goldeneye, Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and Blockhead, a little known board game with building blocks. IT RULED! As I got older, I got a gift every other day. Then as I got even older, I got a pair of socks one night and that was it. Now I get nothing and I'm dead inside.

Tu Bishvat - Never heard of it.

Purim - Some bad dude named Haman wanted to kill all the Jews in his kingdom. He was foiled and hung at the gallows. He wore a triangle hat. Terrible cookies called Hamantaschen are eaten on this holiday.

Passover - Boring, boring holiday. One time my family went to a Passover dinner at the house of a really religious family all the way in fucking New Jersey. My cousin married into these nutcases, so we're not really related to them. Anyway, the dinner SUCKED. They prayed beforehand, but because they were religious, it was a good two hours. It was so boring that I was ready to take a knife and stab my hand. Seriously. I dangled a sharp knife just above my hand, wondering if tending to a major wound would be better than sitting through the prayer that would never end. They also expected everyone at the table to know it. They asked me to read a passage, but I had no idea what to do. They were all offended, of course.

To get back on track, Passover celebrates the liberation of the Jewish slaves from Egypt. They then wandered the desert for 40 fucking years. They had no yeast, so any bread they tried to bake would be a tasteless cracker. That cracker was matzoh. Man, I hate that stuff. There's no damn taste anywhere. And the holiday expects you to eat nothing with yeast for a week! Screw that! I think the Jews that toiled in the desert would be glad that we have bread with yeast! They were eating their matzoh and probably thinking, "Shit, this stuff sucks. I can't wait until our descendants don't have to deal with this tasteless crap." Now their ghosts are looking down on us screaming, "WHY ARE YOU EATING MATZOH?! DO YOU HOW MUCH WE TOILED SO YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO EAT THAT STUFF?!"

Sefirah - No friggin' clue.

Shavuot - Jews run into the street naked, throwing rotten onions at each other. It lasts exactly 34 minutes, and on the 35th minute, everyone just dances. When that minute expires, everyone resumes their lives as normal. Just kidding. I have no fucking idea what Shavuot is.

Tisha B'Av - He was a bounty hunter in Star Wars, right?

Shabbat - Take it, Walter...

"Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't get in a car, I don't ride in a car, I don't pick up the phone, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit DON'T FUCKING ROLL! SHOMER SHABBAS!"

I'd be out of my fucking mind to observe this. Stay in the house all Saturday with no electronics? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck that!

BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE ISRAEL

I live in a very Jewish area. When I went to college, it was the first time living in a place where my religion was the minority (except for that brief period in 1988 when I lived in California). Two towns over, which in my area of Long Island means three minutes away, is a town called Cedarhurst, or Little Israel. There are a lot of these people walking around:

See that dude on the right? That's no hat. THAT'S HIS FUCKING HAIR!

These people are Hasidic Jews, or as I call them, Hardcore Jews. They're nice folks, although a little conservative...obviously. These people literally think they own Cedarhurst and it seems that way. Through their presence alone, they shut down a bunch of businesses. This is because Hardcore Jews don't do anything from Friday night all the way to Saturday night, just like Walter from before.

Yes, the Hardcores do all their weekend shopping on Sunday. This does not bode well for businesses, who are open Saturday, but close on Sunday. But whatever, it's their custom, so it's not their fault. This is not why they think they own Cedarhurst. During the week and on Saturday night, the main street of Cedarhust (Central Avenue) is brutal. Every Hardcore Jew in this town double parks. They totally fuck up traffic and they really, really don't care.

If you look down Central, you'll see double parked cars for miles. People in New York City don't double park as much. The problem got so bad that the Cedarhurst police put up signs saying, "Don't even THINK about double parking." The Hardcores ignore the signs and still double park, but they're usually caught and fined now...but they STILL double park even after being fined! It's incredible. I shouldn't be talking about my people like this, but they're breaking the law and their double parked cars get in my way. Maybe if they observed traffic laws people wouldn't hate Jews as much. You need to put in some effort to get the gentiles to like us, Hardcores!

Those Hardcores sure do party it up on Saturday night, though. It's quite a funny thing because Cedarhurst is a ghost town on Friday night due to Shabbat, but on Saturday it's filled with Hardcores cutting loose after sitting in their homes all day. They smoke like chimneys, too. Nothing is funnier than watching a rabbi-looking motherfucker go into a 7-11 and say, "Give me a pack of Marlboro High Tar." Which brings me to a prank that I always wanted to do: I want to dress up as a Hardcore Jew (beard, hat, those weird hair curls in place of sideburns) and drive down Central Avenue in a convertible, screaming "SHABBAT IS OVER, BITCHES!!! LET'S GET DRUNK!!! LET'S GET DRUUUUUUUUUUNK!!!" Then I would take a bottle of Manischewitz, chug it, and then throw it out of the car, letting it shatter wherever it lands. I may even hire a stripper and eat hummus off her tits. My friends and I were very close to doing this in high school, when all of a sudden it hit us that it wouldn't be funny. It would just be very mean.

Well, it's after my deadline, so I should be wrapping this up. I'll end with a joke: How many Jews does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One screws in the lightbulb, while the other holds the chair that the first Jew is standing on. Because you need to stand on something in order to reach a ceiling lamp. And, y'know, it could be dangerous if someone isn't holding the chair.

Fuck you. Not all Jews can tell jokes, you anti-semitic piece of shit.

Questions? Comments? Jim Bob Duggar? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com