I love comic books. In my younger years, I read the best of the best. The early 90's X-Men, X-Factor, and X-Force, the Maximum Carnage saga of Spider-Man, the Death of Superman saga, and the Reign of the Supermen saga that soon followed. Oh, and who can forget the Knightfall saga from Batman, which resulted in a new Batman for a short time? The guy was a badass!

Batman warned me not to make a joke about his picture or he'd slit my throat

This article isn't about comic books, so don't get scared off yet. It's about Brach's Rocks. I know you're thinking that one has nothing to do with the other, but hear me out. Brach's (pronounced "Brock's") Rocks is a candy that was around many years ago. I'm guessing they first appeared in 1993 because I first saw an advertisement for them in issue 22 of “Superman: The Man of Steel,” during the Reign of the Supermen saga. This was when there were four new Supermen running around, one of them being a black guy in an iron suit iron named Steel. Steel would later become a movie starring the king of all actors, Shaquille O'Neal. The movie was vomit-inducing, not because it had gore or anything, but because it was horrifyingly bad. It is currently #66 on the Worst 100 Movies on the Internet Movie Database. Once again, I digress from the original topic.

The advertisement for Brach's Rocks is a short comic itself. Let's introduce the star.

When I was 11-years old and read this title, I knew the ad was going to suck major balls. Not minor balls, mind you - major balls. Rocky D.? Are they kidding me? Were they kidding all of us, the American youth of the 90's? Rocky D. is also trademarked, because the good people at E.J. Brach Corp. were actually worried someone might steal their great dinosaur name. Let's begin the comic.

I would have a different reaction than, "Hey! It's a dinosaur!" Mine would be more along the lines of shitting my pants or taking a picture before shitting my pants. I mean, you have a dinosaur - a species that has been extinct for millions of years - nonchalantly eating a Brach's Rock on somebody's car. Whose fucking car is that? It better be Rocky's or there might be hell to pay from an angry motorist. I don't know how it was done back in prehistoric times Mr. D., but in this era people do not take kindly to giant reptiles sitting on their car.

Look how cool Rocky D. is! He's got sunglasses! He's got a varsity football jacket! He has hair that mildly resembles Bart Simpson's haircut! I even knew back in '93 that this was a marketing ploy.

Boom. Stop right there. Brontosaurus Breath? The mascot for this candy just insulted one of the kids right off the bat! What kind of mascot does that? I wouldn’t buy the candy just because Rocky D. is a fucking asshole. That's like the Pillsbury Doughboy saying this:

I think that this was meant to show that Rocky D. was super cool. He's supposed to be cooler than the kids he's pushing this candy on, so everyone will want to be like him. That's a classic marketing move on every level.

But he's not JUST a dinosaur! He's Rocky D., bitches! He's not your average dinosaur, who stood around, ate grass, and took shits the size of three Ford Escorts until a meteor obliterated him into oil. Rocky had a dream and he's living it. He's sitting on cars and eating confections, and he doesn't give a fuck who tells him it's wrong. If he reads this article, do you think he'll care? Fuck no. He's a Dinosaur Extraordinaire. I'm just Mr. Brontosaurus Breath to him. That's the worst insult there is. Worse than cunt. Worse than cunt sandwich. Oh, and by the way...

THEY SPELLED BRONTOSAURUS WRONG!

I love how these kids cover all the racial groups. You got your white kid, your black kid, and the girl who can go any which way. She can be Hispanic. She could be a light skinned black or a tan white. She may be Arab or Indian (Hindu OR Native American!) She can even be Asian! Look at her eyes. They are drawn SLIGHTLY different than the other kids. There's a bit of a slant - don't deny it. Wouldn't it be cool if this girl had a bit of blood from every race in the world flowing through her veins? She'd be a true melting pot! A shining tribute to what our country can produce if we let go of petty bigotry.

An Eskimo, perhaps?

These kids are very impressed that Rocky D. eats rocks. Wow, that's...uh...great. Rocks. I knew a kid who ate rocks, too. He had to wear a harness that was tied to tree during recess. Anyway, the children are really enthralled by Rocky's diet. Rocky can pretty much sell anything to them at this point. He has those little bastards wrapped around his scaly finger.

Moving on...

Those kids must be disappointed that Rocky doesn't eat actual rocks. I know that I was when I first read it. I threw the comic book across the room and took a leak on it. I went on to scream at it for a good 2 1/2 hours, asking why it had to lie to me, but I received no reply. Then I calmed down and waited for the comic to dry off because I wanted to read the rest. Rocky makes a good point in this frame, however - he doesn't eat those hard things on the ground, just in case you were thinking of a different meaning for a rock. He can't eat rock music. He can't eat the swiveling of a rocking chair. He can't eat the wrestler named The Rock...well, maybe he can since he's a dinosaur, but the point is that they explain that rocks are those hard things on the ground. If you were confused before Rocky said this and are glad he clarified what kind of rock he was talking about, then how do you have the brain power to read this very sentence?

This part kills me. It totally goes against the number one rule parents tell their kids: Don't take candy from strangers. Not only are these kids more than willing to take candy from a stranger, but they are taking it from a strange dinosaur. It couldn't possibly get any worse unless Rocky had a nuclear bomb strapped to his back. If I'm ever a parent, this is what I'm telling my kid:

FISHMAN: Son, if you see a dinosaur and he's offering candy, don't accept it. Just run.

FISHMAN JR.: Yes, dad.

FISHMAN: Same goes for a human. Don't take candy from a stranger that's a human, either.

FISHMAN JR.: What if there's a dinosaur and a human offering me candy?

FISHMAN: At the same time? Together?

FISHMAN JR.: I mean, what if like the dinosaur is on one street corner, but the human is on another, and I can't get home unless I walk past one of those corners?

FISHMAN: Oh, jeez, I don't know. I never thought of that. Uh...I guess take the candy from the human.

FISHMAN JR.: What if the human asks me to get into a van with him?

FISHMAN: Then you fucking get in there. You need to get away from that dinosaur.

What the hell am I talking about? Let's move on. The core selling concept of Brach's Rocks, apart from the cool rebel dinosaur that advertises them, is that they look like rocks. That's the big thing. It's a candy that looks like a rock. I don't get it, personally. Maybe it's me, but when I go to a supermarket, a candy that looks like a rock wouldn't really appeal to me.

Hungry?

Only two more frames to go!

Yes, idiot. Of course they don't taste like rocks. That would be something, wouldn't it? The five flavors are sedimentary, igneous, metamorphic, chalk, and sedimentary with coconut. They have fruit flavoring, of course - AWESOME fruit flavoring, which is obviously artificially flavored because it wouldn't be candy if it wasn't.

When I first read that, I thought it said, "Now you can get your rocks off from Brach's." I was freaked out for a good second before my common sense kicked in and convinced me that I misread the sentence. The comic ends with a slam dunk slogan: "NOW LET'S GET ROCKIN!" Whatever you say, Rocky D. You may have the same exact pose the entire comic, but you eat candy that looks like rocks but tastes like various fruits, so I will do anything you command me to do. Unfortunately, about every child in America and myself didn't think that way back then, so your candy went the way of the Dodo.

I actually have never tasted Brach’s Rocks. I don’t know if they were any good, but I don’t think tasting them would affect this article. I’m sure they were a delicious treat, and maybe the thrill of eating a candy that looks like a rock would have brought me to heights of joy that I never knew existed, but I doubt it. I wonder where Rocky D. and those kids are today?

Questions? Comments? Brontosaurus Breath? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com