NOTE: Everything written here was actually going through my mind. I just wrote it all down. There are probably a lot of typos.

Motherfucking dammit, what the hell am I going to do? Why the hell did I wait until the last minute to write this shit? I'm fucking screwed. Zubazpants.com is relaunching in a week and they want fresh material. I'm sitting here at 12:30 in the afternoon and with no fucking shirt on trying to come up with something. I need to pick Humps up from the airport at 2. I can't come up with something in an hour and a half! Shit, and my stuff is in the dryer and I need to put the colored wash in after! And I can't go back to working on this article once Humps arrives! Maybe I'll tell him to just watch TV for a couple of hours while I write. No, that's crazy talk! You're crazy! FUCK! THIS IS HARD!

Fucking Christ, it's hot out today. Maybe I'll show Humps the beach when he gets here since Doug isn't arriving until later. The Hamptons has beaches, right? Or is it, like, reserved for rich people? Shit, I don't own a bathing suit, do I? No, I don't. I threw my old one out. "I'll buy another one soon," I said. THAT WAS TWO SUMMERS AGO! God, I'm such a douchebag! It's fucking August and I have no bathing suit? Am I a fucking retard? DAMMIT!

This is how it's going to be, isn't it? The site will relaunch, we'll get tons of new readers, but everyone will see that my new article sucked and that'll be it. That'll be the fucking story of me. Forget all the good shit I wrote! This one sucks so in theory I must have always sucked and always will suck.

I say suck too much.

Will there be girls in the Hamptons? Like, down to earth girls, not snobby clubbing girls that drink water non-stop because of all the Ecstasy they took? If I do meet a girl and it gets down to the nasty, where would I buy a rubber? Will there be trendy rubbers? Will rubbers cost an astronomical amount as opposed to home? This is why people get pregnant. Shit, I need to put a picture in this article to keep the reader interested.

That picture is so classic. Do you think Magic Johnson could track that down and sue me? Eh, who cares, he'll die soon. Shit, should I include that in the article? It's low making fun of a person with HIV. Maybe I have HIV...Wait, no, probably not.

I don't use a semi-colon enough. I don't think that I have used any semi-colons in a my articles, so I'll start now.

Okay, I'll be honest - I'm still not 100 percent sure what a semi-colon does. I graduated with a minor in English and I'm not 100 percent about punctuation taught in 6th grade English. I just prefer using a dash, comma, or a whole colon, not a semi-colon. Fuck you, semi-colon; you have no hold on me.

I hope people understood that joke. See, I used a semi-colon as I was saying that it had no hold on me. I know there's a person going, "You idiot. You just used a semi-colon!" Why don't I shove a semi-colon up your ass, you fucking piece of shit. I swear to God that I'll fucking kick your ass.

Okay, calm down. Take it easy on the imaginary jerk. He's not worth it. I think my anger from people not understanding jokes comes from high school. I came from an utterly humorless high school. One time my friends and I were eating Burger King and we were really inhaling the stuff. We were downright disgusting. So as a joke, I pretended to reach into a garbage can to retrieve my friend's discarded food. Some asshole passing by went, "What the fuck are you doing? You're getting food out of the garbage can?"

"No," I said, amazed that I had to explain an obvious gag. "I'm pretending that I am as a joke."

"Yeah, sure you are," the asshole responded. That kid was a grade above me and he was a real prick, but he had a hot girlfriend, amazing car, and he once won a raffle for an amazing stereo system. He's probably lives a fantastic life while I'm here ranting like an idiot.

A similar incident happened during a gym class once. My friends and I were looking underneath the bleachers and I went, "There's a lot of space under there. Maybe there's a dead body." Some passing kid went, "A dead body...Shut up, Fishman!" IT WAS SUCH AN OBVIOUS JOKE! DAMN YOU, HUMORLESS STUDENT BODY OF HEWLETT HIGH SCHOOL!

Will I get so drunk that I die during this trip? Will I end up like great uncle Jackie, who drank himself to death? What if I'm like great uncle Ray, who never amounted to anything? Oh God, I probably will end up like them. I have their genes, don't I? FUCK! It's all over. I can't even write a decent motherfucking rant. Who would want to read this shit?

An hour left to pick up Humps. Shit, what if I get into an accident on the Belt Parkway? It would be so much easier if I took Rockaway Boulevard. Is it called Rockaway Boulevard? I just had one of those second guessing moments. Yeah, it's Rockaway Boulevard. But no, I need to take the Belt Parkway. The exit for JFK brings me closer to the JetBlue terminal. He better fucking be waiting outside the arrival...place. Whatever. Something will go wrong. Something always goes wrong. There's no way I can circle around again. This ain't the piss ant Buffalo International Airport. This is JF motherfucking K. People have driven into this bitch and never driven out. I've seen a jeep flipped over with its parts everywhere just because a guy couldn't handle one of the many curves that this immense transit hub deals out.

Dammit man, have some motherfucking confidence. And stop saying "motherfucking" so much. There're better words out there. Like...like...something, I dunno. Shit, I heard Todd was sick. I wonder if he's still heading out to us now. What if I get sick during the trip? It's not like I'm so far from home though. It's like an hour and 15 minutes without traffic, I think...

FUCK, now I'm so nervous that my stomach hurts! I just know I'll have to go to the bathroom as Humps calls for me to pick him up. I'm such a tool! What is with my nerves?! Show some fucking guts, man! I'm scaring away the readers. I better put up another picture.

That guy cracks me up. I forgot his name...fuck dammit, what was it?

What is taking my wash so long? Humps' plane probably took off by now. He's flying in from Rochester. That's like a 35-minute plane ride, right? That's so short. That's not even a flight. That's just like a long jump for a plane.

I think two of those guys from the Stella comedy troupe are assholes in real life. I saw them on I Love the 80's and they weren't too funny. I hate funny people who are mean in real life. If I saw Will Ferrell walking down the street, I wouldn't say hi. If he was a prick, I would never be able to watch his movies again. Billy Crystal is apparently a tremendous piece of shit in real life, so I don't enjoy his movies...although what was the last thing he was in? My Giant? You suck, Crystal. Don't forget your roots, Massapequa boy. I think he was from Massapequa. Every famous Jewish comedian is from Massapequa.

Oh God, oh God, only 15 minutes until 2. OH SHIT, I HAVE TO ADD THE HTML TO THIS CRAP! FUCK! Why did I wait until the last minute? And I still don't have a shirt on! It's just too hot! Can I drive to JFK with no shirt? Wait, that would freak Humps out, wouldn't it? "Hey man, welcome to JFK. Yeah, I'm topless. Ignore the third nipple."

Whatever. I better just end this and HTML it up.

WAIT, I REMEMBER! THE DUDE FROM THE SECOND PICTURE! HIS NAME IS LAZAR! Or at least I think his name is Lazar. I wish my name was Lazar. I also wish I had a pet ape. One of those big apes, not the small disease carrying monkeys. Apes are where it's at. Maybe I'll name my pet ape Lazar. THAT IS AN AWESOME NAME FOR AN APE! Wow, I feel much better. Life can be pretty cool sometimes.

Questions? Comments? Semi-colon? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com