"So, did your (video game) article suck so bad that they don't want you to update anymore?" said the Instant Message from a kid I will call Hussaria. Since most of the readers don't visit the forum, most did not see that I planned to not update for three weeks because other writers were getting peeved that I always post new articles. But I can't stand seeing "Sucks" on the front page anymore, so it's time for an update. This article was going to be saved for a different website - a website that would have paid me - but I decided not to submit it. Why? That's my business.

This is another porn article. I always planned to have my article topics run in a sequence, like "funny true story," "random article," and "porn article." I was actually on a bit of a roll with that sequence if you check the archives. The last time I talked about porn was in the now infamous "About Porn." That was in early March! In this article, I will tackle the 5 dumbest reality porn sites that I know about. You know, once again writing about porn reminds me of how fun and crazy the industry is. You know how some idiots are "born again" Christians? I'm a "porn again" Jew.

NOTE: All nudity is censored because I don't think my picture server allows porn.

RAP VIDEO AUDITIONS

Rap Video Auditions is a "cruel" reality porn website. The premise of cruel reality porn sites usually has to do with a guy convincing an innocent chick to have sex on camera - usually by promising money or something - and then not giving up the money when it's over. It's always, always, ALWAYS 100% fake. On this site, two idiots put on suits and sunglasses, get into a car, and cruise around southern L.A. looking for a hot black chick. They tell the chick that they are producing a rap video for Jay-Z, P. Diddy, or whoever. The black chick - who, of course, is a porn star memorizing a script - usually goes, "Oh my God! A rap video? Me? Sure!" They take her back to their office, where they tell her that they need to see her naked to make sure that she's right for the part. The chick protests about how strange that is for about, oh, 5 seconds, and then strips. After that, they tell her that she needs to fuck one of them to seal the deal. Again, after 5 seconds of protest, the girl gets on her knees and the wild ride begins. After coitus is completed, the two guys tell the chick that she didn't get the part, and it ends with her stunned face. Gee, that's hilarious.

This is such a dumb gimmick for many reasons. For one thing, the usual dude who gets down with the women speaks with a horribly fake British accent. He's like "Oh dear me! Please suck on me cock!" It's incredibly annoying and pointless. Why the hell does he need to have the accent? What, would it be less believeable if he didn't have it? Are they afraid someone might be on the brink of thinking that the sex on the site is real, but dismiss that thought due to the absence of the British accent? Another dumb thing is that the guys leave their sunglasses on while having sex. I guess this is to remind the viewer that they are pretending to be scouts for a talent agency, in case there is an idiot out there who gives a flying shit about the plot. I'm sure some guy will be wanking it to this crap and suddenly cry out, "Shit, I forgot the plot to all of this! I can't masturbate unless I know what's going on! What was it again? OH, that's right! They tricked this black girl into thinking they're producing a rap video. Good thing I saw those sunglasses or I wouldn't have remembered. I almost lost my woody. Whew!"

"I'm a bloody idiot!"

The site is also demeaning, although it's still fake. The slogan is "Find 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em." I know guys get off to weird things, but who cares if you screw them and lose them? The site would do just as well with a title like "We Have Sex With Black Women." No one gives a rat's ass about the plot. Everyone knows it's fake! Anyway, let's end the Rap Video Auditions theme song. It's not really the theme song, but it's played in the background of free sample clips on the site. Let me clear my throat first. *Ahemmmmmmmmmm!*

"Suck my dick, you dirty bitch. Get on your knees and swallow this shit. All you filthy sluts like to swallow cum."

Wow. Forgive me...but...I'm a just little touched by the deep and meaningful words of this...dare I say...anthem? It sticks with you. Give me a moment...I have...I have something in my eye...

MR. CHEWS ASIAN BEAVER

Yes, that is actually the name of this website. In my humble opinion, it is the most retarded title EVER. They couldn't come up with a better name? I guess this is why these people chose a career in porn - they obviously have no creative talent. How did I even discover this stupid, stupid porno site? It's quite the story, so pull up a chair...well, you're probably already sitting on a chair since you're at a computer, but...shut up. Anyway, I was on X-Entertaiment.com for my daily fix of classic 80's commercials. I watched a commercial for a brand of cookie called Chippy Chews. Man, did they look good. I doubted that supermarkets still sold them - I would have noticed a product called Chippy Chews immediately being the cookie fiend that I am - so I wondered if there was some way to find them online, much like the Boo Berry addicts that started a campaign to save their beloved cereal.

I went to Google, typed in "Chippy Chews," and...well, see for yourself. Type that into Google and witness the very first site that pops up. As Doug Friend replied after he Googled it, "This world is going to Hell."

Anyway, the site isn't anything special. It's just sex with women of asian persuasion. Were you expecting anything original from people who came up with a dumbass name like "Mr. Chews Asian Beaver"?

Get it?

I hate to admit it, but as I was writing this article, I began singing "Mr. Chews Asian Beaver" out loud, like an annoying jingle. Maybe those guys were onto something. But don't take my word for it (insert that Reading Rainbow chime)!

BIG SAUSAGE PIZZA!

This site is substantial proof that the reality porn industry has run out of ideas. Big Sausage Pizza is very, very, very stupid. I was debating whether to insert that third "very" but I concluded that this site deserves it. I'm hoping that people don't actually subscribe to this crap. As a matter of fact, I'm hoping that the people who run this site don't take it seriously. The premise is about a pizza company called "Big Sausage Pizza." They deliver pizza to hot babes (by hot, I mean trashy porn stars), but litte do the women know, there is a hole cut at the bottom of the pizza. What is inserted in that hole? You guessed it! The delivery man's disgusting dick. The woman opens the box, goes "Wow! There is a penis in there!" and then the sex begins.

I don't know which is more disgusting. The penis or the pineapple...or the pubes that will fall onto the pizza

It's just so asinine. I think it was even an Awful Link of the Day on Something Awful.com. However, I'm a sap and have some faith in humanity. I think the people who made this site KNOW it's stupid and the whole thing is to be taken as a joke. Sure, there is sex, but don't comedy and sex go hand-in-hand? But what if the people who run this site truly believe in the mission of Big Sausage Pizza? What if the dude who created it gets fed up when things slow down? Maybe one day, as his crew is lounging around, he barges into the room and says, "Come on, guys! Get your acts together! We have to make another movie! The idea for Big Sausage Pizza came to me in a dream. A man...a woman...a pizza box...a hole...and the man's dick. THAT is what I want to film! I want to capture THAT moment - that special moment that is indescribable by our primitive language - the moment when the woman sees an 8-inch cock lying on her fresh pizza pie. DO I ASK SO MUCH FROM YOU PEOPLE?! THIS IS MY DREAM!!! HELP ME MAKE IT COME TRUE!!!"

"We can't. The girl we were supposed to shoot today came down with Hepatitis."

"Shit. Oh well, let's snort some coke."

MILF RIDERS

It was hard for me to write about MILF Riders without vomiting. It's a MILF Hunter rip-off, which I briefly mentioned in "MILF Hunter: A True American." It's about a dude named Zane and he, well, picks up hot mom's off the street blah blah blah - the usual drill. You know what is so disgusting about this site? ZANE! The guy looks and sounds 15! I don't want to watch a 15-year old kid have sex! Obviously he can't be 15, but he looks it, plus he's an ugly, mutated freak.

The last time I saw a face like that, it had a hook in it

Some of the MILFs on the site are pretty hot, but I noticed this...uh, female...in the archives of the site.

GOO! BACK TO THE LOCH WITH YE, NESSIE!

THAT'S NOT A MILF! THAT'S A MIHDEM - Mom I Hope Doesn't Eat Me! Zane didn't have sex with THAT, did he? Once I saw that picture, plus Zane's horrid face, I just threw up on myself. I didn't even realize that it happened. I was surfing the 'Net and the chunks just poured out of my mouth. It then poured out again when I found out Zane has a sidekick (this is why it's MILF Riders, not MILF Rider), who just may be the dumbest motherfucker to appear on the Internet. He looks like he's the idiot stoner that everyone knew in high school. He also looks like he's barely 18. Honestly, you guys are too young. There has to be better work out there. Go to DeVry or something.

Oh, you're doing the blowjob gesture, stoner friend of Zane. Yes, very funny. That one never gets old. Really.

Just stay away from this site. Honestly - and I'm being 100% truthful here - I try to steer clear of MILF Riders, but I had to come back to do research for this article. I think I've become partially blind by looking at it for so long.

CHICK TRICK

Chicktrick.com is the dumbest reality porn site I have ever seen. The girls aren't ugly, the sex isn't disgusting, and there is nothing really outrageous about it. It's just incredibly stupid. The gimmick is the crew goes out, finds a chick, and they play a "trick." What is the trick? They tape the sex, but don't reveal that to the girl until the sex is over. The girl then gets mad or whatever. What makes it dumb? The girl is looking at the camera the entire time. Not only that, but the girls are famous professional pornstars. At least get semi-known pornstars so you can fool 30% of your audience!

The gimmick isn't even a gimmick! You have famous pornstars that know they're being filmed! Just call it a regular porn movie and ditch the reality genre! Maybe they just used the title Chick Trick because it rhymes. Even their motto rhymes: "We find a chick, then play a trick!" Wow, rhyming is so much fun! Here's some of my own!

"We find a chick, then punch a hick!" "We find a chick, then hang with my main man, Rick!" "We find a chick, then watch The Adventures of Pete & Pete on Snick!"

That's gold! Gold, Jerry! I have nothing much else to say about Chick Trick. That's how badly it sucks. It's a shitty site that doesn't give you enough material to make fun of. I was thinking of writing a formal letter of complaint, then I realized it was just some stupid porno website, and my life was empty and devoid of meaning.

Seriously, I think this article lowered my IQ a good 15 points. It is a fucked up world out there and exploring the seedy domains of Internet porn proves it twice over. But you know what? It was worth it. At least now I know the Rap Video Auditions theme song. How many other people can say that?

Questions? Comments? Chippy Chews? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com