I’m going to start this article off on a serious note. There are no other people that I feel more sorry for than the mentally challenged. It is my belief that you only have one chance at life, but the poor few that were born with an extra chromosome will never be able to do much with their lives. To be perfectly blunt, it makes me sad. If you can find it, rent the documentary “Best Boy.” It is a great story of a 53-year old mentally challenged man named Philly. He has the mind of a child, so he has lived with his parents his entire life. Philly’s cousin (the man filming everything) sets out to prepare Philly for life on his own, since his parents are very old and their deaths are nigh.

With that out of the way, I won’t be using the term mentally challenged anymore. It’s a pain in the groin to type out, so I’ll be saying retarded. Kiss my ass, you politically correct pricks. If you read Ian’s article about the child molesting retard, you already know that stories with retards are funny. It’s just how it is. I have nothing but sympathy and love for them, but it’s the honest truth and I won’t pretend otherwise.

Big Mikey

Ever wonder what a jock would be like if he were retarded? I know what he would look like…and his name is Big Mikey. Big Mikey was in the Special Education class of my high school. He was a hell of a nice kid and was built like a jock, complete with thick neck, shaved head, and Hewlett football jacket. His face, however, was kind of gorilla-like. Mikey was also freakishly strong, which actually brings me to a story about his biggest flaw. If someone told him to do something, he would just do it. One day my friend DeSiena and I were walking down the halls of our school when we saw Big Mikey.

“Hey Mikey,” DeSiena said, earning the brute’s attention. “Give Fishman a bear hug.”

“Okay,” said Mikey. I knew that I was in trouble. Damn you, DeSiena.

“Mikey,” I said, putting a hand up while backing away from the approaching behemoth. “He’s just joking, man. I have to get to class. C’mon, man. It’s just a - GAK!” Big Mikey grabbed me around the rib cage and lifted me into the air, where he proceeded to put pressure on my ribs. I didn’t know what to do! My arms were free, so I could have just karate chopped his neck, but he was a retard! I couldn’t hit a retard! Mikey was really crushing my rib cage, too! I was thinking, “Holy shit, so this is how it ends. I’m going to be killed by a person with an IQ of 75.”

I pleaded with DeSiena to tell Big Mikey to stop, which he did. To be honest, the whole thing only lasted about 10 seconds, but sweet fuck, it felt a whole lot longer than that. My ribs felt like they were pushed in, and it kind of hurt to breathe for a little bit. DeSiena found the whole thing quite funny, but I didn’t. Not because it hurt me physically, but because it hurt me socially. It occurred in the middle of a crowded hall, so I know a bunch of girls walked by, saw my skinny self getting the life crushed out of me by a fucking mongoloid (more on that term later), and instantly put me on their “Do Not Fuck” list.

If I were a Mafia Don, I would hire Big Mikey on the spot. He would make the perfect goon because he’s both strong and dumb. I can imagine him wearing the pinstriped suit and hat, too. I would give him the nickname “Knuckles” and I’d use him to “convince” people to buy protection from my syndicate. It’s not like he would say no either – he’s a retarded guy who doesn’t know any better. I think it’s very progressive to hire retards as Mafia goons.

Anyway, I’m going off on a tangent. Big Mikey was eventually expelled from Hewlett because he grabbed some girl’s breasts. Poor guy couldn’t control his hormones. It takes effort to be expelled from a school if you’re retarded. Shouldn’t they be given some lenience given their condition? I didn’t see Big Mikey too much after that, but I saw him wandering around this shopping center from time to time. It turned out he was always at this place, just hanging out in front of the Starbucks. He was like its guardian. He also sported a number of tattoos because he let a local tattoo artist practice on him! I guess it’s a decent way to make a buck. As a matter of fact, Mikey is still hanging around the shopping center to this day. It’s strange though – Big Mikey sometimes just chills in the parking lot in this car with three other guys, but they’re not retarded. At least I hope not, since one of them is driving a fucking automobile. They just listen to the radio and smoke acting all thug – three suburban white kids and a retard. It’s a sight to behold, man.

Do you all know how I met fellow Zubazkateer Paul Feuer? It was thanks to Big Mikey. It was the SUNY Buffalo freshman orientation during the summer of 2000 and the day was ending. That means the parents went back to their hotel rooms and the kids were by themselves until tomorrow afternoon. I didn’t know anyone. I just knew that one of my orientation aides was a prick and that a kid in my group had an accent. As my group finished touring Alumni Arena, some dude began talking to me.

“Do you know where we’re going next?” he asked.

“I have no idea,” I responded. Our conversation could have ended, but I decided to be friendly since I hadn’t talked to anyone in two hours. “Where are you from?”

“Lynbrook.” Lynbrook is the town next to mine.

“Oh shit, really? I’m from Woodmere! I went to Hewlett High School.”

“You know Mikey?”

“The retard? Yeah!” That was all it took. “Some dude” was Paul. We both knew Big Mikey. After he was kicked out of Hewlett, Mikey was sent to Lynbrook High School, where he was soon expelled also. It’s just a funny story that I thought I’d share. By the way, the kid with the accent was Todd Grimes. I know that most of you have no idea who that is, but those of us who do will find that funny.

I’m Going to Hell Because of Soda Popinski

In 8th grade we all had to take a class called Service Project, which was just helping out around the school. This stupid class was created because the new principal of my middle school was an incompetent jackass. He changed the whole time frame around and pretty much ruined the fabulous middle school schedule. The school used to have an optional 9th period that was just used for extra help. All of the teachers stayed and it really rocked. But when this moron principal was hired, he got rid of that, got rid of bells, and decreased and increased how long some periods were. Because of this, the schedule now had a random 20-minute space! The way he arranged it didn’t work! The 20 minutes was dubbed “Star Period” and students had to sit in their homeroom and read. Along with Star Period, there was also Study Hall! That’s two periods of doing nothing!

There was a general feeling of disorder among the students. The chaos was incredible. I never did any homework that year because school just didn’t feel like school – it felt like a place that I just had to go to during the day, like a prison sentence. Then the principal created Service Project, probably because he knew that he couldn’t get away with another fucking period of nothing.

I’m sorry for the rant. It really didn’t have anything to do with the story. It’s just fun to vent. For Service Project, we had to choose random tasks. One of the tasks was going from class to class and collecting their recycling! Service Project was just doing janitorial work! Was there a fucking strike? I chose helping out in the computer lab, which actually meant helping out the Special Education class in the computer lab. I loved working with the retards. The whole class was so well behaved. Even Big Mikey was calm and eager to learn. They had to do simple things, like type a paragraph about their Thanksgiving or draw in Kid Pix. I typed a paragraph out for one kid in like 30 seconds without telling the teacher this one time, so she thought that he was some kind of idiot savant when it came to computers. It was fun. Even the retard laughed.

This one student, Ray, was the most retarded kid in the class. He may have also lived a very sad life. After Thanksgiving break, the teachers went around the room, asking each student what they did for Thanksgiving. Ray went, “My dad told everyone to go to their room and be quiet and go to sleep.” The teacher then just nodded and went to the next student! Shouldn’t they look into that? Poor Ray. Oh wait, I talked about Ray before in my yearbook article. Wow. I guess he really stuck with me.

My favorite kid in the class was Doug. No, not Doug Friend (the angry Republican Zubazkateer), but he might as well be retarded since he voted for Bush. Anyway, Doug was one tall dude and he wasn’t even retarded – he was just kind of slow. Doug was a really nice kid, but he had a nasty case of Scoliosis, meaning his spine was warped – really warped.

My friends and I once said that Doug was the Hunchback of Hewlett High and he rang the dismissal bell at the end of the day. It was cruel, but we never said it to him. It was just a harmless joke. He wasn’t even hunched over, though! That piece of spine just stuck out from his shoulders. One day, Doug and I began talking about Punch-Out. He loved that game, as every honest American should. It was really fun to talk to him about it and I kind of forgot that Doug was a retard. Either I become really stupid when talking about video games or Doug becomes really smart. He told me that he could never get past Soda Popinski and I couldn’t believe it.

“You can’t beat Soda Popinski?” I asked. “What are you – retarded?”

Holy…shit…

Holy shit, I called Doug retarded! I said it right to his face! I couldn’t help it! I got along so well with Doug that I stopped treating him like an idiot, but like an equal. I stood there with my mouth open, hoping that a random time warp would appear and send me back 5 seconds to stop myself! Doug looked kind of hurt.

“Oh man,” I said. “I’m sorry, dude. I didn’t mean-“

“It’s okay,” Doug said. “I know I am.” Oh God…I felt so bad when he said that. I felt so very bad.

“No! No you’re not,” I said. “You’re really not.” To be honest, he wasn’t. He was just slow. I should also mention that Doug was like 17 and this was middle school, but he was only slow. Not retarded. But it doesn’t matter - I’m going to Hell.

Bathroom Monsters

These are two stories my friend Chad once told me. The first is another Doug-related story. One time Chad was taking a leak in the bathroom when the Special Education class came in. Doug stood at the urinal next to Chad, unzipped, and waited for the flow. Nothing happened, so Doug turned to Chad.

“It won’t come out,” Doug said, shaking his penis in full view. “It won’t come out!”

“Dude,” Chad responded, while averting his gaze from Doug’s wang. “You don’t do that.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That was stupid. I’m sorry.” From that day on, every single time Doug saw Chad in the halls, he would run over to him and apologize. I love retards.

The second story is funny as hell. There was this kid in my school who had something mentally wrong with him. He wasn’t in the Special Education class, but he was in some kind of specialty class. He was also deaf and walked through the halls, giving high five to everyone. I didn’t know anything else about the kid, but my friend Jimmy did. Jimmy would always take a leak at the same time every day. One day, the deaf retard walked in as Jimmy was in the middle of pissing. I think he stood there with his hand in the air, waiting for Jimmy to finish, but I’m not sure. He then went to the bathroom himself, at the urinal right next to Jimmy. Keep in mind there were like nine open urinals, so it was really awkward. It sucks because I can’t recall the entire weirdness of what the deaf retard did. I know a lot more went on. I would ask Chad but I want to finish this article up tonight. Eh, whatever.

Anyway, I guess the deaf retard liked Jimmy because he decided to go the bathroom at the same time Jimmy went from that day forward. Every day Jimmy had to deal with this weird kid while his dick was hanging out. He was eventually forced to hide in the stalls to avoid the retard. Jimmy dubbed him the “Bathroom Monster.”

Mongoloids

I told you I would get back to this. The term “mongoloids” has always fascinated me. When I first heard it, I instantly thought of Mongo, the fat purple cat from the Heathcliff cartoons that always hung around with Riff-Raff and Hector. What the fuck were those guys, anyway? Shit, now the theme song is stuck in my head. “Heathcliff, Heathcliff, no one shoooould, terrorize the neighborhood…” Damn it all! Anyway, the term “mongoloid” is a derogatory term for the mentally challenged. I never knew this up until high school health class.

I loved Health because of all the taped 1980’s after school specials we got to watch. There’s a certain charm to those things that fills me with joy. The episode we saw one fateful day was about a family who has a retarded son. It begins with the doctor sitting them down after the son’s birth and going, “I don’t know how to put this. Your son…is a mongoloid.” Everyone in the class looked at each other and went, “What the fuck is a mongoloid?” We didn’t grow up with that term. We just called retarded people “retarded.” The movie was trying to show that the doctor was a heartless prick and no one should refer to retards as “mongoloids.”

It had the reverse effect. We were so entranced by this new word. We kept saying over and over, “Your son…is a mongoloid.” My friends and I couldn’t stop laughing. But what is a “mongoloid?” Well, people with Down’s Syndrome usually have more slanted eyes and their face is a bit different. People said they look like Mongolians, hence the term “mongoloid.” Why a Mongolian? They’re Asian like billions of other people. Why was the country of Mongolia chosen? Why not call the retards “cambodioids” because they look like they’re from Cambodia? Did some bigot that coined the phrase back in the day have a grudge against Ghengis Khan?

Bigot: “I hate those fucking retards. I also can’t approve of Ghengis Khan taking over a majority of the world a few centuries back. I know! I’ll coin the phrase ‘mongoloid’ to refer to retards! Take that, Khan! I have forever spoiled the name of your people!”

Maybe that means Mongo from Heathcliff was retarded…

A Short Story About Shit

Retards have the worst smelling shits. It’s true. During the senior trip, there were three buses taking us to this ski resort. The Special Education kids would be on the last bus. Sure enough, my friends and I (along with about 25 other kids) were assigned to that last bus, meaning the retards would be with us for the long drive. No one gave a shit…until the retards gave shits. Every single one had to go to the bathroom. Bus bathrooms are only equipped to handle three dumps, maybe four. Then the chemical that covers up the smell is used up. After about the third retard took a crap, the smell overtook the bus. It reeked! It was horrible! The fact that it came out of a retarded kid’s ass made it seem worse somehow. I just thought I’d share that with everyone.

On a personal note, I’m sorry it took so long to get a new article up. What was the delay? I HAVE A JOB! U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

Questions? Comments? Is your son…a mongoloid? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com