There has been a lot of talk in the news about a woman named Terri Schiavo. Recently, my friend Todd asked me what the big deal was – it was just a brain-dead woman, after all. That’s not exactly the case. The Schiavo debacle is a special case rarely seen, but it has been made into a fucking circus by the media and religion. Before I get into bashing the religious nuts – who made it incredibly easy to make this article funny – here is an overview of Terri Schiavo’s case:

In 1990, Terri Schiavo suffered a heart attack that left her severely brain damaged. The cause of the heart attack was a potassium deficiency brought on by an eating disorder. Now, she can do nothing – speak, swallow, or even think. She has opened her eyes, allowing her to blink and follow objects around, but these are merely reactions by the eyes and they don’t even transfer into her brain. There is nothing inside her head. She is a complete vegetable.

When she was alive, Terri told her husband, Michael Schiavo, that she would never want to be kept in such a state. When doctors told Michael and Terri’s family that there was no hope for recovery, there was a clash. Michael wanted to remove Terri’s feeding tube and end her misery, since that is what she wanted. Terri’s family - who is very religious - does not want to lose her and still hope that she will miraculously recover. Clearly, you can understand the views of both sides.

This is where things get sticky. Michael has since moved on with his life. He has a girlfriend and has fathered two children with her. Terri’s family – Bob and Mary Schindler (parents), Suzanne (sister), and Bobby (brother), say that since Michael has a new life with a new love, he should leave Terri’s fate in their hands. That makes sense, right? But Michael loved Terri, and it hurts him to know that she is being kept alive in a state that she would never want. Also, Terri’s family is very religious and they are basing their hope of Terri’s recovery entirely on faith. There’s no harm in religion, right? Apparently, as you will see, there is PLENTY of harm.

Michael and Terri’s family has been to court many times over this. It started out small. Michael always won (he has Terri’s power of attorney), but Terri’s family always appealed to a higher court. It kept going up and up, eventually earning the attention of the media. This has kept Terri alive because although her family loses, when they appeal, they are granted the right to keep Terri alive until the next court date. Now, every doctor says that Terri will never recover. However, her family hires doctors to say that her brain is in fact working, just at a very low level. What do I think, you say?

That’s just my opinion, but that’s exactly what is wrong with the case: I shouldn’t have one. I shouldn’t even know about this. No one should know about the battle over Terri Schiavo. It’s a personal tragedy that should have been kept within the bounds of her loved ones, no matter how high up on the court system Terri’s family went. But it’s too late. After the media attention, came the religious kooks.

Every day outside of Terri’s hospice, a huge fucking crowd of Jesus freaks pray and act like the Rapture is coming at any moment’s notice. I have never seen shit like this. It makes me ashamed that I’m an American. There, I said it. These people have the audacity to say that the Taliban was crazy! Why do they think that Jesus actually cares about Terri Schiavo?

The whole Right-To-Die thing is a touchy subject no matter how you slice it. Clearly, this case is out of the ordinary because the people in Terri’s life are not united, but this whole thing has gotten way out of hand. The scariest part is that the government got involved. That scared the shit out of me. The Republicans, especially Bill Frist and Tom DeLay – two guys I would like to take a shit on – got all righteous and mighty, talking about the sanctity of life. If the courts were not going to save Terri’s life, then Congress will.

Whoa, wait a minute! I spot two things wrong with that picture. First off, isn’t it unconstitutional for Congress to step in and reverse the decision of, like, 18 judges just because they don’t like it? Second off, isn’t the number one creed of the Republican Party to have LESS government involvement in the lives of their citizens? Why, I do believe that I’m right! Despite protests from Democrats and the dying breed of honest Republicans, President Bush signed a bill into law to have a federal court look at Right-To-Die cases, once again allowing Terri’s family to appeal once more.

TOO BAD! The court said it doesn’t have the right to do that! You Republicans wasted your time trying to be some kind of heroes in the eyes of religious zealots! Since then, Terri’s feeding tube has been yanked and as of this moment, she has gone about a week without food and water. The religious people have gone crazy. People are sending their brainwashed children into the hospice with bread and water in an effort to save Terri. The Supreme Court refuses to even look at the case. Jeb Bush tried to have the state of Florida get custody of Terri and even hired a doctor who said that the footage of Terri is misleading and she has a very good chance of recovery. Right…Hey Jeb, is it a coincidence that the doctor you found was from some Christian academy? The judge refused to hear it, and in a recent poll, 70 percent of Americans think that the government was wrong for getting so involved in the case. I love it.

The religious protesters are PISSED. They are swamping Jeb’s office with calls, demanding he save Terri. Despite his attempt to gain custody of Terri, Jeb is smart. He knows he really damaged his political career with that stunt. He has told the protesters that he can do no more. In a speech a couple of days ago, a leader of one of the Evangelical crazy groups said there will be “hell to pay” if the conservative politicians they voted for do not save Terri’s life. I love it even more. I cannot wait to see the Republicans and the Religious Right fight with each other. It will be finger-lickin’ good.

I feel bad for Terri’s family. I really do. This is a tragedy – there is no doubt. But as I said before, it’s a personal tragedy. They wanted media attention to have a better hope of saving their daughter and I can understand that. I cannot imagine what it’s like having a loved one in that state and if I did, I would try anything to help them…but look at what the attention has unleashed! Jesus freaks, unprecedented government involvement, and more strain to an already divided nation. It’s too much and they should realize that, but they won’t. They are blinded by religion. So I may feel bad for you guys, but you are a bunch of douchebags.

It’s not like I want Terri to die, but if that is what she wanted, I say let her have it and go on with our lives. Whatever, though - it doesn’t affect me. It shouldn’t affect anyone but her family! If the religious kooks believe in Heaven so much, why are they so afraid to let her die? Mind your own fucking business! Go back to working at Waffle House and worry more about your own fucking lives! By the way, Waffle House has great waffles. I highly recommend them if you’re down south. They’re off every exit ramp on the I-90.

Now it’s time for the cool part. This is what really made this article fun: the pictures upon pictures of the protesters. I added some comments, but without them, these pictures would be just as funny. When you look at these people, you can tell some of them pray and cry for attention. Look at Terri’s sister Suzanne in some of the pictures. People are treating her like she’s a saint and she loves it. You’re not a fucking celebrity, babe – you are the sister of some woman who is a vegetable. That’s all you are. Anyway, take a look at these bunches of crazies!

I know I’m being cynical poking fun at this whole case, but you know what? If I had to choose between being a cynic or being like this:

I say cynic me up.

Questions? Comments? Want to go to Waffle House? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com