I often think about porn. To date, I’ve had three articles related to porn on this web site (“Searching for Cameron Cruise,” “MILF Hunter: A True American,” and “The Gentleman”). To be perfectly honest, I don’t watch it that much. How can I? I’m on a 56k modem – I can’t download any movies. All I can do is download a picture of a naked lady, but that takes an entire minute. A minute may not be that long, but when you’re waiting to look at a female without clothes, it is the longest minute of your life. During these long minutes, I am deep in thought. What do I think about?

Thought #1

That crazy Canadian Peter North. I mentioned him briefly in “The Gentleman.” Mr. North is famous for tremendous money shots that cover the recipient’s face in his semen. I don’t like watching these movies because it’s a bit too much man chowder. It’s insane. Anyone who watches this guy in action will be amazed – not in a sexual way, just in a dumbfounded way. Let’s say you’re sitting on a couch watching porn and - for some reason - a crazy evangelical Christian from the depths of Texas walks into your house.

Evangelical Psycho: “For shame! How dare you watch this evil act of…of…My Lord, look at all that semen! Wow! That boy is something else! Sweet Jesus, it’s still coming out! He’s like a geyser! Yeehaw!”

Everything about Peter North screams male porn star. I mean, he has a huge dong, he can last hours while having sex, and he can unload a tidal wave of sperm. It’s the three things that make a male porn star. The first time he ever had sex, he must have thought, “Oh my God…This is it! I know what I’m meant to be!” If Mr. North told his guidance counselor in high school about his strong points, the counselor would say, “I believe that you should pursue a career in the XXX industry.” What I often wonder is this: can Peter North put his talent to any other use besides porn?

Thought #2

Porn is a relatively young industry. It became big in the 1970’s and then skyrocketed after the introduction of the videotape. As such, women who starred in these beaver films back in the day must be getting old. What happens when they become old ladies? Years from now, any kind old lady you see in the street might have starred in porno! That number will get even larger because of the Internet! There are now hundreds of amateur porn sites out there with hundreds of naïve girls my age wanting to earn a buck. That means when I’m an old man, there will be tons more of old women that were fucked on camera while they were younger. Isn’t that weird? Isn’t that sick? Can you imagine a sweet old woman having a past life of rough sex that was viewed by millions of people?

Thought #3

Two of my favorite porn stars, Kobe Tai and Asia Carrera, have kids. Ms. Carrera has since retired, but she still has the daunting task of telling her child that she used to be a porn star. Not just any porn star: a huge porn star. Asia must have starred in over 1,000,000 movies. Okay, I’m just joking, but I am not joking when I say that 1,000,000 men have jerked off to her. Anyway, Asia has the right to have children, and she is smart enough to educate her offspring about her past so they’re not affected by it. I believe the same thing goes for Ms. Tai. However, if they have boys, puberty is going to be one rough road. What if Asia’s kid is surfing the Internet, finds a file labeled “Hot Asian Chick Gets Nailed,” clicks on it, and it’s his mom? All the shock therapy in the world isn’t going to bring that kid back!

What if kids at their school caught wind of their mother’s former profession? Forget having arguments with bullies – they’ll never win! This is all the bully has to say: “Your mother is a porn star.” That’s it! It’s over! There is no retort to that! Also, let’s say Kobe Tai wants to tell her son about her past when the kid turns 10. What if her son somehow finds out before then? Children are curious little bastards.

Thought #4

In 2002, there was a huge controversy. A porno series called “Shane’s World” came up with this idea: take a bunch of professional female porn stars, bring them to frat houses at a party college, and basically screw any dude willing to bare his package on camera. The production crew chose Indiana University, where drunken frat boys were more than willing to bone hot chicks while being filmed. Thus, “Shane’s World #32: Campus Invasion” was born. There was fallout from this, obviously. The administration of IU was furious. They punished the students who appeared on camera with probation and other disciplinary measures. It was all over the news: CNN, USA Today, the O’Douchebag…I mean, the O’Reilly Factor, Dateline, Rolling Stone – everywhere.

A lot of people blamed Shane’s World for tempting good college students with whores and partying. I don’t blame them at all. I blame the idiot college students who were stupid enough to agree to have sex with the whores on camera. You’re supposed to attend college for a reason – so you can earn a degree that enables you to get a good job. You should AVOID being in a porno! Don’t get me wrong – I love porn and I respect most of the actors, but that’s because it’s the business they have chosen. Why would a college student endanger his entire future just so that he can have 10 minutes of fun with a babe like Calli Cox? I love Calli Cox, and if she wanted me, I would be more than willing to let her have me…but not on camera! That shit is going to be nationally distributed to every video store that carries porn in the country! I want sex as much as the next guy, but I don’t want the next guy watching me have sex!

I don’t know what these frat guys were thinking. Apart from being filmed, they had to bone these chicks in a room full of cheering onlookers! How can you perform in that environment? Then they had to deal with their faces being on a tape that many, many people will be jacking off to. That shit will get back to you somehow, especially since “Campus Invasion” became a hot topic on every news show in the country in 2002!

Thought #5

No thought for this one. Paul Feuer always says how much he liked my MILF Hunter article, so here’s a comic about a day in the life of the Hunter, complete with his famous spelling errors and all.

Just so you know, I don’t have Photoshop on this computer. It took me a very long time to make these comics in Paint, so I hope you people enjoyed them.

Questions? Comments? Can you think of another profession for Peter North? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com