When I first started watching pornography in college, I came upon a movie called “Up & Cummers 11.” I watched in awe as a young Jenna Jameson had sex. This wasn’t just any sex scene though. Jenna didn’t have breast implants yet and this was also her first sex scene with a man. That’s an extremely special piece of porn. But who was this lucky man that was having sex with her? Who was this guy that could keep it up for 45 minutes while screwing the future queen of pornography? It was none other than “The Gentleman” Randy West.
Randy West is one of the most well known performers in pornography. This guy was having sex in front of a camera since the 1970’s. Even better, he’s from New York. Ron Jeremy is from New York also. What can I say? Us New Yorkers do it better, harder…and longer? Maybe not. Randy West has a normal sized pecker…not that I was trying to look at it. It’s just kind of hard to miss when a woman is sucking on it.
“It's more important to have a reliable dick than a big one, as proven by Randy West,” says Asia Carrera, pornography superstar and one hell of a smart lady. Listen to Ms. Carrera, girls – it’s not the size that matters. Actually, my ex-girlfriend said mine was the biggest she ever saw…I’m just saying is all…*cough*
Is it that organ that makes Randy West special? No! I’ll tell you what makes him important. One simple word: mullet. You heard me. It’s his powerful mullet. The sheer sight of it makes women horny. Not many people can pull it off, but Randy West can. Oh sure, he got rid of the mullet during his later years and I cried, but let’s not remember him like that. Let’s remember him as the mullet-sporting dude who had sex with women on camera. I actually think that Brock Samson from “The Venture Bros.” is modeled after Randy West. Brock also wields a fierce mullet and he also gets laid non-stop.
The similarities are uncanny!
When I saw that scene with Jenna Jameson, I needed more. Not more of Jenna…more of Randy West! It’s not because I wanted to see him - his movies were just so good! I think it was the way he handled the women. He wasn’t rough, he wasn’t a douchebag, and it didn’t look like the chicks he banged were faking. Randy West really seemed to be enjoying himself also. Actually, it’s the job of the male porn star to REALLY enjoy himself or he’s kicked out of the studio, but Randy West seemed to enjoy himself just a little more than that. Why else would he be in the business for so long? He earned the nickname “The Gentleman” because he was so nice and considerate to the women he performed with. That’s how he got Jenna Jameson to start performing with guys. It’s all because of Randy West’s courteous and professional personality…and probably a lot of money.
I eventually managed to find more movies with Randy West, and let me tell you, even though the guy is called “The Gentleman,” he can talk dirty with the best of them. The phrases “Fuck yeah, girl,” “Oh baby, you get me so fucking hot,” and “You like that?” are moaned and groaned often. The sad thing was that I thought one is always supposed to talk dirty during sex. Here’s an example of my ex-girlfriend and me in bed:
ME: “Yeah, girl. You like that, don’t you? You get me so fucking hot.”
SHIRA: “What the hell are you doing?”
ME: “Uh…talking dirty.”
SHIRA: “It’s demeaning and it’s pissing me off. And stop spanking me!”
ME: “Alright, alright, I’m sorry. Let’s get back to it.”
5 seconds later…
ME: “Damn, girl. You know how to work it. Yeah…yeah…That’s right. You like that shit, don’t you? Uh-huh, yeah…”
SHIRA: “Fishman!”
ME: “Fuck. Shit. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
5 seconds later…
ME: “Yeah…yeah…fuck yeah…Oh babe. You got me hot now. Oh yeah, you really got me hot.”
SHIRA: “That’s it. I’m leaving.”
ME: “Wait, I’m sorry! Wait! Wait! Damn you, Randy West…”
When I was researching for this article, I found out that Randy West was born in 1947. 1947! Holy crap! That means the dude is like 58! I think he may be retired now, but I know for a fact he made a movie about a year ago. I honestly don’t know if he ever had to pop Viagra. Randy West has natural erection talent, but when the drug was invented he was already in his 50’s, so maybe he started having trouble getting the soufflé to rise, if you know what I mean. I wouldn’t be surprised – for shit’s sake, he’s 58. Isn’t it weird for a 58-year old guy to be a porn star? He’s old enough to be a grandfather or an uncle or the neighbor who always gives advice from his picket fence, like Wilson from “Home Improvement.”
As I mentioned earlier, Randy West has been in the porn biz since the 70’s. Can you imagine how many women this man has boned? It must be like 5,000 at least. I am not joking either. I actually think that number is a modest estimation, because he probably fucked tons of women off camera. Doesn’t that much sex get boring after a while? There are only so many positions and toys one can use before sex becomes mechanical. It’s like, “Oh, reverse cowgirl…No, it’s fine, I just…y’know…did that position 1,632 times before.” If you’re thinking, “No way sex will never get boring,” how the hell do you know? You haven’t had as much sex as Randy West; I guarantee you that right now. Don’t even compare yourself to him, you heathen. Well, you may have a chance beating him in the looks department. Randy West isn’t really the best looking guy. But compared to some of the faces in the pornography industry, the man is an Adonis.
These guys are all porn stars and have had sex with more women than you can imagine. This is not a joke.
While we’re on the downside of Randy West, here’s his worst aspect: the dude goes overboard when he climaxes. I mean, it’s downright uncomfortable. When he finished with Jenna Jameson, he screamed for a very long time. I believe it was something like, “YES! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HAHAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!”
During the money shot of another “Up & Cummers” Randy shouts, “OH! OOOOOOOOOH! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! YEAH! OH FUCK YEAH! OH SUCK ON IT BABYYYYYYYYY, YEEEEEEEAAAHH!!!” Okay, we get it, Randy West! We get it! Just stop! Just stop! Please! Some of my friends even joke around and imitate Randy West’s orgasms by going, “HOOOAAAH! HOOOAAAH! HOOOAAAH!” while pretending to do a female doggy-style.
“HOOOAAAH! HOOOAAAH!” (Image censored because Photobucket doesn’t host porn on their site)
I can’t watch porn with Ron Jeremy. I think he’s funny and since he’s a part of mainstream culture now, watching him have sex is just weird to me. Peter North just makes me feel inadequate. For those of you who don’t know who he is, this guy can shoot about ten gallons of sperm in a single scene. It’s more like watching a freak show than a porno. Mark Davis? You’re English, so that counts you out. I think I’ll stop listing names and get to the point. The one guy who is the easiest to watch is Randy West. Maybe it’s the mullet, maybe it’s the dirty talk, or maybe it actually is the uncomfortably loud orgasms, but Randy West will always be my favorite porn star. I don’t know what I’d do if I ever met Randy West. I don’t think I’d be able to shake his hand. It’s not because I would be humbled in his presence, but because that hand has been in a lot of dirty, dirty places.
The most important thing about Randy West is that he brings new girls into the industry. His “Up & Cummers” series is about initiating new female talent and he’s really nice to them…before he fucks the shit out of them. He even said that he only does stuff that his female performer is comfortable with. Let’s say a girl says, “Anal really hurts me and makes me involuntarily go to the bathroom for three days, but I’ll do it for an extra $100.” Randy West will not give her more money to do it. It’s all about the female having fun on camera. What a guy! What a hero! What a gentleman! So the next time you pop in a porno tape and watch Jenna Jameson being banged by two guys as a midget looks on, you should thank Randy West. It’s because of him that Ms. Jameson and other fine young ladies are entering porno for our sick, twisted amusement. Stand up, take your hands out of your pants, and salute “The Gentleman” Randy West.
Questions? Comments? HOOOAAAH? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com
For more information on Randy West, visit www.RandyWest.com
