In the forums, fellow Zubaz writer Mike Scott said he likes my rejection stories because they make him feel better about himself. While I’m ecstatic that he liked them, I am now concerned that readers may think I’m just a loser who naturally repels women. Don’t cry for Fishman, friends. I do just fine. I have my fair share of success stories with chicks. In this piece, I’ll talk about stories where girls came on to me, but I had to reject them for whatever reason. There is not many and they don’t lead up to much (given the fact that I’ve only had sex with my ex-girlfriend), but they’re entertaining and, dare I say…erotic?

Kap’s Cousin

High school just let out for the summer, but my job at the local camp wouldn’t start for about a week. So, I usually hung out with my friend Kap (fake name). Kap had Mario Kart 64, so we would play that game for hours. Kap’s cousin from Florida was staying at his place for a little bit and she was into the game also. Let me tell you – his cousin was HOT…at least I remember her being hot. We were both only 15. Anyway, I couldn’t control myself. The minute I saw her I sprung wood. I couldn’t help it! The whole puberty thing was new to me. She had boobs and her skin was tan, which was really driving me wild. Plus, she was laughing at my jokes and thought that I was cool.

Needless to say, I was at Kap’s every day that week. One day, Kap wasn’t around so I just played Mario Kart with his cousin. I sat down on the couch, but I looked up to see her standing over me, bending forward. Her cleavage was right in my face! She was totally doing it on purpose!

“Can I be first player?” She said, in a slow, seductive way. How lucky was I? A hot girl was speaking to me in a sexy voice…about a video game! I was suddenly in every nerd’s wet dream. To tell you the truth, I preferred being second player anyway. If you’re playing a two-player game in Mario Kart 64, the screen splits in two. The first player is on the top screen, while the second player goes on the bottom. I find it easier on the neck.

“Okay,” I said. I acted like I was too stupid to understand what she was doing, but I was sweating profusely.

“Good,” she smiled. “Because I like to be on top.” HOLY SHIT! I was only 15, but I knew my double entendres…or however you spell it! Oh man, she gave me this look like, “I’m going to rock your world right here on this couch.” She was still standing over me with those boobs in my face! What should I have done? I couldn’t just grab her and make-out! Kap’s mother was still home! Kap’s cousin had a boyfriend back in Florida, too! No, I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t ready!

“Okay,” I said once again. Kap’s cousin looked at me like I was retarded and sat down. I was still sweating and I had a large chubby. About two minutes into the game, Kap came home. I don’t know what his reaction would be if he saw me grabbing his cousin’s tits, but I’d prefer not to know.

My Two Editors

I mentioned this story very briefly in “Fishman…Secrets.” This happened during my sophomore year of college, right before winter break. Everyone was done with finals, so I went with a bunch of friends to PJ Bottoms, which was the only bar that would accept my altered ID.

Usually I had a fun time at PJ’s, but I never cared enough to hit on a girl. I just wanted to drink. As I walked into the place with my friends, I hear “FISHMAN!” It was two of my editors from the campus magazine, who were both girls and both seniors. They were both cheering “FISHMAN!” and ran over to me. My friends were laughing because that kind of thing doesn’t happen to me often.

“Oh, hey!” I said. It was kind of awkward for me because I never talked during the meetings. I just liked to hand in my articles and mind my own business. Plus, some of the people at the magazine were real pricks who thought they were God’s gift to writing. Saying “Oh, hey!” was the most that I ever said to these two. Luckily, they were the nice ones on the staff.

“Oh my God,” one said, jubilant. “You got an A!”

“You totally got an A!” The other said. They were bouncing up and down in front of me, all excited. I had no idea what was going on. Why would they be happy to see me?

“What?” I asked. “An A?” I quickly realized that they meant my grade for the magazine because I was taking it for credit. I talked to them for a little bit, and one even bought me a shot. It was turning into a great night – an A for a class and a free shot. What could be better? It also looked good that two girls cheered my name when I entered the bar. An hour passed, and I bumped into one of them again.

“You really did good work,” she said. “You handed in everything in the proper format and you always handed it in on time. You’re working for us next semester, right?”

“Yeah,” I responded.

“You’re one of our favorite new writers.”

“Really? Thanks.”

“Yeah, me and her always say that out of all the new writers, you’re the one we want to blow the most.” I froze. I was raising my cup to my mouth when she said this, so I just became a statue of a guy about to drink a beer.

Did I hear her correctly? Did my editor just tell me that she and this other girl wanted to suck my cock? What the hell does someone say to that? I couldn’t be like, “Let’s go around back, babe.” She was my editor! This girl was my boss! No, I couldn’t go through with asking for head. I know whoever is reading this is going, “You dumb piece of shit,” but I just couldn’t do it. The consequences would be too great. Looking back on it, very good things could have happened. I could have had a blowjob from this girl. I could have had a blowjob from the other girl. I could have had a blowjob from BOTH girls that could have escalated into a threesome! But I was a pathetic 19-year old virgin back then…I just didn’t have the confidence. So what did I say?

“Oh, thanks.” Then I walked away. I wasn’t offended or anything. I was fucking thrilled! It’s not every day that you find out that two girls want to lick your stick.

I never brought it up next semester to them, which is obvious because I never spoke to the magazine staff. The only people I told were my friends, and most of them begrudgingly admitted that I was right to not pursue the blowjob. However, one fateful day late in the year, the two editors both popped out of the office as I was placing an article in the mailbox.

“Fishman,” the one said. “Do you remember when I told you that we wanted to blow you?” OH SWEET LORD, HOW COULD THEY ASK ME THIS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OFFICE?

“Uh…” I said, feigning forgetfulness. “You did?”

“Yeah, it was at PJ’s, right before winter break.”

“Oh shit, I was wasted that night. I don’t remember anything after the shot you bought for me.”

“Oh good. We were worried that you were uncomfortable around us now, and we wanted to apologize.”

“Hey, it’s cool. I don’t even remember you saying it.” I wasn’t uncomfortable at all. I liked the fact that they never said anything, but them bringing it up and apologizing actually made me feel like a total pussy. It was so un-college.

Chin Job

My friend “J” and his girlfriend broke up senior year of high school, which sucked because my other friends and I thought she was cool. We resolved to be diplomatic and seriously try to hang out with them both. It worked out easy that summer, but this story takes place the next summer, right after I finished my first year of college. The girl, who I will name Ex, was working at a frozen yogurt store and didn’t have a car. Sometimes Ex needed a lift home when her shift ended, so since I had a night job, I was always around to pick her up. I wanted to be nice, plus I felt bad for her because she still really liked J, although they broke up a year ago. Hey, I was only trying to be supportive. You all know that Fishman is a nice guy.

One night, two of my friends and I hung out with Ex. She was kind of all over me that night, which I didn’t mind. I’ll take any kind of female attention that I can get. I didn’t want it to get too serious though – she was J’s ex-girlfriend after all. We all went back to her house and watched television until like 3 a.m. We were watching a recent episode of South Park about sex education, and although it was a comedy, it really got me kind of excited. Ex was leaning on me the entire time too, so the combination wasn’t good. Suddenly, my friend poked my other friend and motioned that they were going to head home. They left and it was just Ex and I - alone.

I kept a cool head. I knew that I wasn’t going to put any moves on her since it would be wrong. We sat there watching television and I was sweating from the pressure. To relieve it, I looked around for a topic to talk about. I noticed a hair scrungee, or however you spell it, on the table next to the couch.

“What’s this?” I asked, picking it up.

“Oh, I use that to stretch,” Ex said, taking it from me. “Watch.” This part I find hard to describe, I’m afraid. Ex tied the scrungee around her left foot, then stood up. She then lifted her left leg behind her - kind of like how a flamingo stands. Ex then reached behind her and grabbed the scrungee, where she proceeded to LIFT HER LEFT LEG NEARLY OVER THE BACK OF HER HEAD. I wasn’t crazy over Ex, but damn, that pose was HOT! The chick was flexible! I couldn’t do anything but stare, and Little Fishman wasn’t so little anymore, if you get my meaning. My head was swimming with hormones, but I had to stay focused! I couldn’t do anything! She was my friend’s ex-girlfriend! IT WOULD BE WRONG!

Suddenly, there was a knock on the window! Ex was frightened, so she lunged at me and hugged me out of fear. I sat there like I wasn’t fazed, but I was plenty startled for two reasons. The first reason was because Ex was now literally all over me, and the second reason was because the knock on the window also scared me shitless. It turns out that it was my idiot friend who for some reason came back after dropping my other friend back home. What was that moron thinking? Ex let him in and then quickly kicked him out.

Ex and I went back to watch television, but she said that she was tired. Usually, that means a girl is hinting that she wants you to leave. However, when Ex said this, she laid across the couch, placing her head in my crotch! I froze up and just stared down at this chick’s head in my lap. I began to get really turned on. Who wouldn’t? Ex then proceeded to move her head around, causing her chin to rub against my dick over and over…and over…and over! She was giving me a chin job! I was sweating like a madman and I thought that I was going to fucking burst! She was seducing me! Suddenly, I blurted out, “Oh Ex, that feels so good…”

“HOLY CRAP!” I thought. “DID I JUST SAY THAT? FUCK, YOU’VE GOT TO BAIL OUT, MAN! BAIL OUT!” However, right after I said how good it felt, Ex lifted her head and stared at me. My heart was beating out of my chest. She was inches away from my face, giving me this look that screamed, “I want you.” I felt like my boner was going to rocket off. It was such a hot moment, but it was wrong! My brain was going, “DON’T DO IT! SHE’S YOUR FRIEND’S EX-GIRLFRIEND, MAN! IT’LL GET BACK TO HIM AND YOU’LL BE TOTALLY FUCKED! DON’T GIVE INTO YOUR BASER INSTINCTS! RUN! RUN! RUN!”

“Crap, it’s 3:30? I gotta go!” I exclaimed, springing to my feet. “It’s really late! I had a fun time tonight!”

“Oh,” Ex said, slightly disappointed that I resisted her after getting a chin job. “I’ll walk you out.” She walked me to the door, and has I hugged her goodbye, she grabbed me and stuck her tongue down my throat. I didn’t even close my eyes because they were bugging out as my brain screamed, “SHIT!!!” After she broke off, I went, “Wow. What was that for?” Ex explained that she kissed me because I was so nice to her, picking her up from work and hanging out with her all the time, even though she and J broke up.

I walked to my car and went home, where I proceeded to jerk off about three times in a 15-minute span. The next day, I explained to Ex that it would be wrong if she was involved with me. I also simply wasn’t interested in her. It’s tough to break a lady’s heart, but in truth, I don’t think she really cared.

Oh my goddess

This one rocks. I don’t reject the girl in this story, but it’s such a great tale to brag about that I had to include it. The first weekend of a new college year is the best time to go out. The freshman girls are everywhere, and they are all too eager to get drunk and get some. This was junior year, so I was still underage. Obviously, my destination was PJ Bottoms. I was ordering my first drink, when suddenly this SEXY girl came up next to me. She had long black hair, a great ass, beautiful face, and most of all, HUGE BREASTS! This was the kind of girl that you would see in clubs in Los Angeles or New York City who only fucks celebrities. Now, any normal guy would see a girl like this and immediately know that she’s out of their league. I am no different. I totally ignored her.

“Hey,” she said to me. “Do you know what the specials are tonight?” I couldn’t believe this goddess was talking to me, let alone acknowledging that I was alive.

“Uh…” I stammered. “G-G-Girls get all they can drink.” My memory goes blank after this. All I recall is that I made her laugh somehow. I wish I remembered what I said, because if it worked on her, then it must be dynamite. I went back to my friend Kohan, who was chilling with his girlfriend at the time. Goddess walked over and started talking to his girlfriend! They knew each other! Holy shit, I had a reason to keep talking to her! I did, and eventually, I asked Goddess to dance. SHE SAID YES! It was the equivalent of a hobo being allowed to attend the Oscars, I swear.

The dancing was incredible. Goddess was rubbing herself all over me. I don’t even know how to dance. I think I was doing the robot while this incredible babe was rubbing her ass in my package. We were dancing closer and closer, and eventually we were about to kiss.

“No, I don’t think we should,” she said. “It would just be like a ‘PJ’s kiss,’ you know?”

“Oh, I totally agree. Good call.” I had no idea what the fuck she meant. After that rejection, she left to go outside with her friends. Kohan was standing around because his girlfriend was gone. He told me that his girlfriend said that I had no chance with Goddess. This pissed me off. I couldn’t let her be right! As soon as Goddess walked back in, I ran up to her and went, “Want to keep dancing?” Usually, a girl would be freaked out, but not Goddess. She was thrilled! She said yes, grabbed my hand, and led me back to the dance floor where we continued to bump and grind. This time, however, she began to make out with me! “Big deal,” you might say. “You’re just kissing a chick at a bar.” You don’t understand what this girl looked like, my friend. She was a 10.

I was in Heaven. Goddess was sucking my face off. She even grabbed my ass, which kind of freaked me out, but just the fact that she did it was awesome! She sucked on my ear, right there on the dance floor! I had a huge stiffy and she knew it, so she kept grinding on it! I looked around and saw jealous guys watching us dry hump. It may have been the greatest moment of my life up to that point (losing my virginity is my greatest). I could have lost it that night if luck was on my side. As I was leaving, I asked, “So what are you doing now?”

“I’m going home and going to sleep,” she responded.

“Y-Yeah, me too!” I was shot down, but who cares? One night stands are near impossible to achieve anyway. I still felt great! It was awesome! Doug Friend couldn’t believe that I did so well with Goddess, who he said had bigger breasts than his well-endowed girlfriend did. The next time that I was at PJ’s, Ian Kardys saw a hot girl. He pushed me into her, and as I turned around, I saw that it was Goddess. She walked away before I turned to her. I told Ian that she was the girl I was fumbling around with the previous week. He couldn’t believe it. She was that hot.

After that experience, I knew things would be different. My miserable past with women didn’t seem to matter to me anymore. It gave me such a boost of confidence. Sure enough, merely two months later, I began going out with a great girl. We were a couple for two years and it was amazing. So I’m not a total loser, dear reader. Not all of my stories are sad and ghastly. There are chicks that dig me. Of course, these stories aren’t that funny, but too bad. I feel better about myself now.

Questions? Comments? Give a mean chin job? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com