It’s Christmas time, or at least it was when I wrote this article. Like many Long Islanders, I'm a Jew. Although I know virtually nothing about my own religion, I know even less about Christianity. It’s sad because Christianity and Judaism are very similar. I think it’s because we both believe in this God fellow that I’ve heard so much about. We also both believe in something called the Ten Commandments. I never read them carefully, but the word “thou” is everywhere and I think it tells you not to fuck a pig or something.

What separates our two great religions is our belief in Jesus Christ. Christianity believes that he existed and was the Son of God. Judaism believes that he existed, but he was just a really good prophet. So the Bible has two parts – the Old Testament and the New Testament. Jews only read from the Old Testament because the New Testament is all about Jesus. Christians read both. That’s it. That’s all the solid information I know about Christianity. The rest I only know through things that I’ve heard from people and television. From this point on, it’s all inane Jesus babble…

Jesus was born in the year 0. Why zero, you ask? Because his life had such an impact on civilization, he had an entire era of time modeled after his birth. I believe time should actually be modeled after my birth. I sometimes confuse bank tellers because I write on my deposit checks (for example) 6/19/22. Why 22, you ask? Because it’s 22 AF – After Fishman. 1979? That’s just 3 BF – Before Fishman. I think it has a nice ring to it, but the bank tellers are bitches and make me write the correct date. Anyway, Jesus never had a real father. Some ghost impregnated his mom, Mary, who was a virgin. How did Jesus’ father, who I think was named Joseph, take this?

“Honey,” Mary would say. “I’m pregnant.”

“Alright!” Joseph would respond while chopping wood, or whatever the hell they did back then. “I’m the man! I didn’t even have to have sex with you! I must have the greatest sperm in the world!”

“Uh…about that. Listen, some ghost walked up to me at the bar last night. I was kind of wasted and he said that he was a doctor before he died…”

“W-W-What are you saying?”

“It’s not your child. I fucked the ghost and I’m having his baby.”

“WHAT?! YOU WHORE! YOU FILTHY STINKING WHORE!”

“No, it’s okay! He’s one of those holy ghosts.”

“Oh, thank God. You had me worried for a second there.”

Well, Mary was pregnant and Joseph went back to fucking sheep because she wouldn’t put out. Besides, would you have sex with the woman God chose to birth his kid? Hell no. Eventually, nine months passed, and Mary had to push Jesus out of her vagina. The inn at this town called Bethlehem was not vacant, so they had to settle for a barn. First of all, if a woman were giving birth, I wouldn’t bring her to an inn. I would bring her to, let’s say, a hospital? But this is Before Fishman, so things were different back then. Christians call the date Jesus was born Christmas.

Meanwhile, these three dudes called the Wise Men were following some bright star in the sky. It led them to Bethlehem, right into the barn, and right to Mary, who just gave birth to Jesus. They each gave Jesus three gifts because they believed the star was guiding them to their new king or something. Personally, I believe it really went something like this:

So Jesus thought he was hot shit from birth. I don’t know the details of his childhood, but I think he had a beard once he turned 7. He played a lot of hackeysack and smoked tons of weed when he became a teenager, like most Jewish kids do at that age. Jesus then began preaching against the Romans, who were the only ones allowed to rule and who were forcing everyone to believe in their religion – you know, kind of like what fundamentalist Christians are doing today. Anyway, Jesus began to hold huge sermons and he said some smart shit that really connected with people. You see back then, smart people who were good speakers were revered and came to power, while people who were idiots and couldn’t speak well were ridiculed – you know, kind of like the opposite of today.

Christ was spreading like wildfire. He was more popular than Britney Spears, Mick Jagger, and Ian Kardys combined. He preached against the tyranny of the Romans, told people to love each other, and even performed miracles!

Due to these feats - and the fact that Mary constantly bragged about how a ghost fucked her and how three random dudes said Jesus was king – everyone believed that Jesus was the Son of God. Most Jews did not believe that Jesus was some deity, so they didn’t follow him. However, some Jews did believe it, and they began to follow Jesus’ teachings, as well as their old Jewish beliefs. This is how Christianity was formed. That’s all I know. Now this story can continue in two ways. One is the Matt Fishman way and the other is the Mel Gibson way. There are disadvantages to both: I don’t know anything about the details leading to Christ’s death, and Mel Gibson seems intent on blaming the Jews for his death.

I want to clear something up - no one knows why Jesus was crucified. The details are not in the Bible. The story Gibson gave the world was created in the Dark Ages to create anger against the Jewish race. Do you know why they called those days the Dark Ages? It’s because people were too fucked up by religious beliefs to pursue science, art, and all the things that we as humans should pursue. It’s a good thing we moved on…oh wait.

Anyway, according to what I think, Jesus was getting a little too popular, so the Romans crucified him. According to Mel Gibson, the Jews pushed for his death. Hey, let’s just blame us Jews for everything. Go ahead. Do you have a headache? Blame the Jews. Are you constipated? Blame the Jews. Can’t get laid? Blame the Jews. Guess what, people? Even if the Jews did push for Jesus’ death, it was 2,000 fucking years ago. Get over it.

Jesus wouldn’t be cool if he didn’t die early anyway. That’s what makes him worthy. James Dean and Brad Nowell died early, and they are now immortalized as cool dudes forever. Anyway, I know only one thing after Jesus died: he apparently rose from the grave and returned. Only this time, he was a zombie and had cool necromantic powers. He also commanded an entire army of the dead that roamed the seas, plundering at will. Thus, ghost pirates came to be. Christians call this holiday Easter.

Wow, zombie Jesus was cool. I’d worship him. After the death of Jesus, Christianity spread like mad. Somewhere along the way, some douchebags took it and made it the total antithesis of what Jesus probably wanted it to be. Good will towards men? Nope. You can only be nice to fellow Christians. People who believe in something else are wrong and you should either convert them or kill them. Then Hell was thrown into the mix, so people were now scared shitless that if they didn’t follow Christianity, they would be forever tortured in endless flame when they died. My friend Chad down in Jacksonville has been told many times that his destination is the lake of fire because he is Jewish, but I digress. Eventually, there was a split in Christianity, forming two major sects: Roman Catholics and Protestants. I know there are more, but as I said before - I don’t know anything about Christianity.

That’s about it. I figured it would be nice to give my non-Jewish friends, who are numerous in number, a Zubaz article about Jesus during this Christmas Eve. I’m sure that I didn’t offend anyone, but if I did, you should lighten up. I think Christianity and all other religions are great. I just have one burning question: If you guys follow the Ten Commandments, which begins by saying that you shall have no other god besides God, why do you worship Jesus? I’m just curious. Besides, it’s not like I know anything about Judaism either. Why do we have to wear Yarmulkes (those hats during temple)? What the hell is kosher? Why is Chanukah so lame? I do not know. All I know is that Zombie Jesus is cool. Merry Christmas!

Questions? Comments? Knocked up by a ghost? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com