My name is Doug Enemy and welcome all to The Doug Enemy Experience. For all of those who may not know me as well as some, I am what one might call a Negative Nancy. Perhaps you prefer the word pessimist, but I honestly do not consider myself to be a pessimist. I just happen to hate most things and most people. The Doug Enemy Experience will allow you a peek into my world of short-tempered anger towards anything that gets in my way. Oh, and my slightly less angry friend Fishman will be contributing. I am allowing him this honor despite the fact he is a left wing-commie-tree hugger.

The Experience is going to be set up in the following fashion; First, I get to pick a topic of discussion to bitch about. Then Fishman gets to respond to it, followed by a final response by me (if necessary). The next topic, Fishman gets to choose and we follow the same format. Got it? No? TS buddy. Quit being such an idiot and take off your blue helmet.

Topic 1: THE Ken Jennings and the Undeserving Whore Who Beat Him.

Doug: I was a huge Ken Jennings fan. This guy was unstoppable on Jeopardy!. Not only was he apparently brilliant but he was entertaining to watch. He joked around, even would clearly mock the writers of the show by laughing. Saying, “Gee you almost got me on that one!” Then what does he do? He blows it against some hoe with shoulder pads from the 80s. Now I know the retro look is in, but not the office power-female look. Christ lady. Get a clue. They should have let Ken stay until he died. Now who’s going to watch the show anymore?

Fishman: The most ironic thing about Ken's loss is that he was defeated by a woman. I watch Jeopardy nearly every night and the women on the show suck. I'm not really surprised - men are the superior sex, after all. But how can a mere woman named Nancy Zerg defeat the mighty Ken Jennings? Because her last name is ZERG! That's the evil alien race from Starcraft that devoured all in its path. Nancy Zerg is not a lowly female - she is an alien in disguise. Then again, she immediately lost the next night in typical female contestant fashion...so maybe I'm wrong.

Anyway, let's not brood over Ken's loss. Let us celebrate his winning streak. I'll admit I'm not a huge fan of Mormons. Their religion is so obviously based on some dude who lied that he was a prophet, that I can't believe anyone would follow it. But you know what? Ken is such a great guy, that I wouldn't even care if he worshipped a golden idol. If all Mormons are like Ken, I say Mormon me up. I'll move to Utah and cease drinking soda right now. I was sold when Alex Trebek asked Ken if there was anything we did NOT know about him. His response? "I was once killed a man down south." That's humor, my friends. I love you, Ken Jennings.

Doug: Ha, typical female contestant fashion.

Topic 2: Nick & Jessica’s Family Christmas Special

Fishman: Is it 1977? Because that's the only reason a crappy husband and wife team can get a crappy variety show. Who the hell watched this? If you have responded yes, then you can no longer visit Zubazpants.com. I hereby ban you from this website for life. I didn't watch this special, but I can easily make fun of it. First off, we should leave Nick Lachey alone. The guy's solo album didn't even break the top 100, yet when his wife sings something that was already done by a singer with considerable more talent, her album skyrockets up the charts. Even his sister-in-law, WHO WAS BUSTED LIPSYNCHING, is still doing a million times better than him. So let him suffer for marrying a borderline retard.

People, stop encouraging Jessica Simpson. We all know that she's an idiot. Remember when it was frowned upon to be that dumb? They were put on the small bus in school and were forbidden from going near sharp objects. Now it's her selling point. On the commercial for her Xmas special, she licks a light pole and her tongue gets stuck to it. Sure, it was fake, but since the same gag was used in a movie entitled "Dumb & Dumber," that should tell you that her idiocy is now earning her millions. Ignore her and maybe she'll end up cooking toast in the bathtub.

By the way, Jessica's hit songs are not hers either. Take My Breath Away? Watch Top Gun and hear the original. Angels? That's Robbie Williams' song and it's about his rehab. Oh, and when Jessica Simpson sings live, she looks like she has a case of minor Teret's syndrome.

Doug: God bless you, Nick Lachey. I honestly do not know how you do it. How does one keep their sanity when married to Jessica Simpson? I assume it has something to do with the amazing natties and gobs of money your wife possesses. They are quite nice. I will admit, I enjoyed Newlyweds. It was a very entertaining show, but let’s face it; your time in the spotlight is over. This whole Variety Hour crap is extremely useless.

Excellent point about the songs, Fishman. Jessica butchers the Robbie Williams song. Yes, I have listened to his version of Angels and compared it to that of Jessica Dirty Pillows. What really makes me angry is thinking about the Newlyweds episode in which Jessica makes fun of a girl who is singing. She tears the poor thing apart, ripping on the girl’s voice. Just think about how many people say that about you, you brainless twit.

Can you take off your shirt now?

Topic 3: P Diddy Visits the White House

Doug: P. Diddy go to hell. Not only have you ridden the bloody coattails of your deceased mentor to fame, but you personally tried to get all of young America to vote AGAINST Bush. Then you show up at the White House, get a tour from the Bushes themselves and dryly comment, “Nice house.” You have no class P. Diddy. You think you do because you wear suits with white dress shirts coupled with white ties. Also, toothpicks are for fat old men. People only respect you because you have loads of money and many large black men who follow you around carrying guns. Vote or Die? Yeah, real positive bro.

Fishman: Actually Doug, I heard that P. Diddy was going to vote for Bush, but when he held some sort of fundraiser, Laura "I Smile Like I Just Received a Lobotomy" Bush refused to go. The Bush twins did go, so I imagine Diddy fucked them both and splooged on their faces. He them seemed adamantly anti-Bush after being snubbed by the First Lady. But I digress.

P. Diddy, I never liked your music. I hate it when you sample old songs to be the background of your songs. Yet, I respect you. You have loads of money and many large black men who follow you around and carry guns. But tell me this...why didn't you use those guns on President Bush? I'm just joking. I would never wish death upon anyone but Ann Coulter. However, "Your Vote or Die" thing was not only lame, but incredibly ineffective. Only 1 out of 10 18-year olds voted. Stick to what you know best, bro: shooting people in night clubs and swimming in a pool of 100-dollar bills.

Doug: We both said “bro.” Great minds think alike, and use the same word occasionally. Speaking of the Bush twins, I cannot figure out which I would rather bang. Jenna looks freakishly similar to Papa Bush, but seems like she be a firecracker in bed. Barbara on the other hand, looks normal. However I imagine she would be about as useful in bed as a 14 day old cookie you might find under the sheets, kicked all the way to the foot of the bed, covered in a thin yellowish mold.

Topic 4: Desperate Housewives; The M.I.L.F Hunter’s Dream Target Range

Fishman: I might as well tuck my penis in between my legs: I like Desperate Housewives. I think it's a great show. Between this and Lost, ABC has become my favorite network. There are so many juicy things going on this show that I don't know where to begin. It's like a dark comedy/soap opera, but with better acting and better writing. I think the main reason for its immense success is the absence of Sex & The City. There was like a power vacuum created - women needed a replacement show to gossip about. Basically, Desperate Housewives is a tamer Sex & The City - there is just a lot more mysteries and plot twists. Plus, every character is a MILF. Man, I wish I lived in that neighborhood. There is also a Tim Burton thing going on. The setting is normal, but also weird...like the beginning of Edward Scissorhands.

I don't base my schedule around the show. I missed two episodes in a row, so when I caught it on television, I was completely lost. Apparently, one wife is addicted to Ritalin now. It seems far-fetched and stupid, but I bet that if I saw the episode, I guarantee you that it would make perfect sense. It's a good show. Believe the hype. Now I shall tuck my dick in and change my name to Matilda Fishman.

Doug: Matilda is correct in his comparison to Sex & The City. Desperate Housewives is far superior, however. You want to know why? Because they are ALL hot. The only bangable one on Sex & The City was Kristen Davis. The rest might as well have had their faces run over repeatedly by a fat kid on a tricycle.

ABC really has abandoned their audience. Whatever happened to the good old days of TGIF, where in every show we learned a valuable life lesson? Now we are left with the lesson of how to cope with blue balls after fantasizing about every female in their Sunday Night lineup. Even the useless woman from Extreme Home Makeover is damn sexy. Shame on you ABC; shame on you for encouraging massive amounts of masturbation across the nation on Sundays between the hours of 8pm and 11pm EST, proudly sponsored by Sears. Be sure to check out their holiday sale of steam cleaners for any of those hard to clean stains.

Questions or comments? E-mail Doug at DJFriend1@hotmail.com or Matt at Fishman347@yahoo.com