Fishman here. Welcome to the first ever Overrated/Underrated Awards. I will be talking about cartoons and video games, since I really don’t know much about anything else. I’m making this up as I go along. If you disagree with what I say, tough shit. I’m always right and it’s time you accept that. Enough tomfoolery – on with the awards!
OVERRATED: Spongebob Squarepants
Maybe I’m not hip with humor these days, but I do not find “Spongebob Squarepants” funny. I’ve given it a chance too. I’ve seen the show about three times and I have never laughed, although it’s supposed to appeal to kids and adults. I didn’t find anything funny about it, so maybe the only adults who find it funny are high and/or are on cocaine. I also think kids who like this show are retarded. There, I said it.
I need to realize, however, that my standards for cartoons are very high. I am part of Generation Y, who are the younger siblings of the whiny douchebags from Generation X. Us Generation Y kids were raised on the crème de la crème of cartoons: “The Simpsons,” “Tiny Toon Adventures,” “Doug,” “Rugrats,” “The Ren & Stimpy Show,” and “Rocko’s Modern Life.” Those shows defined the genre of cartoons that appealed to both kids and adults. They were actually funny. When you see “Spongebob Squarepants,” it just doesn’t have the zing of those shows. Oh yeah…and it’s not funny. Have you seen the commercial for Burger King with Spongebob?
“Spongebob, you’re late. Don’t you know what a watch is?”
“Sure I do! Watch this! Watch that! Watch your step! Watch me!”
“Spongebob, watch out!”
“Watch out! That’s a good one, Patrick. Ha-ha-ha!”
THAT’S NOT FUNNY, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS! Why would Tom Kenny, the comedian who voiced Heffer in “Rocko’s Modern Life,” lend his voice to this shit? Oh right, it’s really popular and he probably made tons of cash…but he should be ashamed as a comedian!
My answer to why “Spongebob Squarepants” is so popular actually arrived about three days ago. During a commercial for the movie, they said Avril Lavigne sang the theme. They showed a clip of Avril singing and she was so fucking giddy to be singing it. The pop star was like “YEAH! SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!” I finally understood it. This cartoon is just one of those things that is hip for suburban kids to like. Remember when in high school, girls had “Rugrats” accessories? It happened in my school. After that, everyone had “Powerpuff Girls” stuff. “Spongebob” is the new hip cartoon to like. Why? It’s not funny and if Avril Lavigne is singing the theme song, something is terribly wrong. I’m sorry. I tried and I know I’m outnumbered here, but “Spongebob Squarepants” earns an Overrated Award.
UNDERRATED: The Venture Bros.
This show is hilarious. It’s written by the same team who wrote “The Tick,” so that should be reason enough to watch this show. The Venture brothers are Hank and Dean, two teenagers who are like the Hardy Boys. They fight like brothers, including a scene where Hank backslaps Dean in the nuts, causing Dean to shout “YAHTZEE!” The show, however, is more along the lines of “Johnny Quest.” Their father, Dr. Venture, constantly lives in the shadow of his late father, who apparently was like James Bond, Indiana Jones, and Einstein rolled into one. The reason that Dr. Venture feels inferior is brilliant. Ever read a comic about a team of heroes that have a child sidekick as part of their group? And the kid always got kidnapped or was snatched by a Pterodactyl? Wouldn’t you think that the kid would grow up traumatized from being held prisoner by evil people so often? That is exactly Dr. Venture. He was Rusty Venture: Boy Wonder. He now owns Venture Industries, but he peaked at age 12. He’s now like a useless former child star and takes pills to stop bad memories.
I digress. A fan favorite character is Brock Samson. Brock is a huge mullet-sporting dude who acts as the Venture’s bodyguard. The best part? Patrick Warburton (Puddy from Seinfeld) is his voice. Anything he says just sounds funny because he always sounds so serious. Brock also gets laid in a bunch of episodes, which is hilarious. In one episode that takes place in a space station, Brock decides to have sex with this ugly female astronaut, but she is so nasty, that he tells her to keep her space helmet on. Hank and Dean, who thinks a Phantom Space Man is on the loose, peer into Brock’s room and see him banging away. They think he’s fighting the phantom because the woman has the helmet on.
DEAN: Phantom Space Man got a hold of Brock! He’s wrestling with it!
(They stare for a while)
HANK: That’s it, Brock. Pace yourself.
DEAN: Hey wait…Why is he fighting with his-?
HANK: Think of it, bro. What other weapon does he have? He needs his hands free to…do stuff.
DEAN: Oh no! Phantom Space Man got on top! You can do it, Brock!
HANK: Brock got him in a pretzel hold! He’s got to teach me that one. Hey wait, Phantom Space Man’s helmet was knocked off. Dear God, it’s hideous! Must have been mutated by some space rays…
The best part about that scene is Brock heaving and moaning in the background. It’s just so over the top. However, my favorite character is the Monarch, the main villain. Like “The Tick,” this show also has weird and comedic evil-doers, including Phantom Limb, who has invisible arms and legs (that’s it), and Baron Underbite, the titanic ruler of a fake European country who has a metal jaw. The Monarch’s assistant, Dr. Girlfriend, is a sexy woman who, for some reason, has the voice of a Brooklyn man in his 40’s. Their random banter is another reason to watch the show, like when they were waiting on line to enter a prestigious yard sale.
DR. GIRLFRIEND: “Hey, isn’t that the guy from Depeche Mode?”
MONARCH: “Where? Oh my God, it is…and he’s with a girl!”
DR. GIRLFRIEND: “Yep. He’s straight. I saw it on the VH1.”
MONARCH: “Impossible. He’s the guy from Depeche Mode for God’s sake!”
DR. GIRLFRIEND: “He’s straight.”
MONARCH: “Yeah but…Depeche Mode.”
For all these reasons and more, The Venture Bros. earns the Underrated Award. Watch it on Adult Swim! Speaking of Adult Swim…
OVERRATED: Sealab 2021
I love Adult Swim. Like I just said, I love The Venture Bros. I also love Family Guy, Futurama, and even some of their anime. I find their original shows, like “Sealab 2021,” “Aqua Teen Hunger Force,” and the “Brak Show,” to be the most overrated programs in the history of television. I know a lot of you will be upset, but I think you’re just caught up in the hype. There is a fine line between “cutting edge humor” and “weird.” These shows are just weird, but I’ll only target Sealab 2021 because I have laughed at “Aqua Teen” and “Brak.”
I have to admit that the premise of Sealab 2021 is original. The guys at Adult Swim found an old Hanna-Barbara cartoon from the 70’s called Sealab 2020. The show was an atrocious serious cartoon about an underwater lab. So Adult Swim took the old animation clips and changed the dialogue to make a show. But the show is too odd. The episodes seem to go off on a tangent and you feel like the writers don’t even know what direction to take. They really must be on some kind of drug to write those episodes. It brings me back to this point: weird does not equal funny. It could, but you need to add some humor to the mix. You can’t just cook with weird. Let’s say you’re writing a script and you write “a dog walks in, but he has green legs and a fish tail.” That is weird, but it’s not funny. The people at Sealab 2021 believe that is gold and they have legions of fans that believe the same. They could give their viewers anything and the fans are so caught up with hype that Sealab is cutting edge, they will accept it. It’s like art snobs fawning over a drawing of a circle because they were told that it’s hip.
I found the pilot of this show funny, but then the writers scrapped the slightly weird humor that came with the pilot and went with totally bizarre humor. In one episode, a character named Debbie thinks her boyfriend is with a hooker. This triggers a slew of people saying “Uh-oh.” The “uh-oh” thing lasts 5 minutes. In humor, things lasting too long can get a laugh. It’s funny, but when it doesn’t stop, it ceases being funny. Then, for some reason, it miraculously becomes funny again if it keeps going on. However, if it keeps going on for too long after that, it once again becomes unfunny and it can never recover. The “uh-oh” scene proved that. Not only did it stamp out any laughs that could have occurred, but also IMMEDIATELY, there is another “uh-oh” scene! I won’t even explain this one, but I’ll reveal that there is a poorly animated dancing bear. Then they just ditched the “uh-oh” and followed the bear going to different dance clubs. So, we have 10 minutes of people going “uh-oh” and then a bear walking around.
I also have to gripe at the people of Adult Swim. They were advertising a show called “Squidbillies” that I wanted to see. Instead, they showed another original show called “Perfect Hair Forever.” This show made Sealab look funny. What a fucking piece of shit. Do hear me, Adult Swim? It was a fucking piece of shit. I don’t even know what this show was about! I didn’t even understand what the voice actors were saying! It just backed up my point that the people at Adult Swim think their fans will love anything they produce because their fans are duped into thinking that it’s cutting edge humor. This wasn’t humor! I felt like it was insulting my intelligence! Holy crap, now I’m angry! IT WAS SO BAD! IT WAS OBNOXIOUS TOO! Here’s a scene:
Old Man: “Listen to the hot dog.”
Hot Dog: “OOOOOOOOOOOOLALALALALALALALALALALALAHHH!!!”
THAT’S NOT FUNNY! THAT IS JUST STUPID! THAT IS NOT AN OPINION EITHER! THAT IS A FUCKING FACT! A FUCKING 6-YEAR OLD CAN MAKE A BETTER JOKE! Want proof? I asked my 6-year old next door neighbor, Tim Donovan, to make me a comic. Let’s see how it compares to “Sealab 2021” and “Perfect Hair Forever.”
That comic is at the same level as those shows. They should make a show about Tim’s comic. Tim would be thrilled. Sorry “Sealab 2021,” but you get my Overrated Award. Let’s move onto video games.
UNDERRATED: Earthbound
I have said it since I first played the game: Earthbound is one of the greatest video games of all time. No one knows much about the game, but it was HUGE in Japan. Nintendo tried to make it big in America with a whole campaign, but it did not see huge sales. However, Earthbound did become the biggest cult hit in the video game industry. I played through the game 4 times and I enjoy myself each time. I’m also sure the guy who wrote this game was on some form of dope. Not many things (like jokes) translate well from Japanese to English, but Earthbound pulled it off. Not every video game from Japan can do this, which you will read about later.
Earthbound (Mother 2 in Japan) was released for the Super Nintendo in the mid-90’s. You know games like Final Fantasy? Earthbound was the same type of game, but it takes place in the present day in a normal world. It is also a comedy. The main character, Ness, is a 12-year old boy who has some telekinetic powers. A meteorite lands in his backyard, where a bee from the future explains that Ness has to save the world from aliens. So, after permission from his mom, Ness begins a long trek to visit 8 special locations on Earth. Instead of a sword, Ness uses a baseball bat. Instead of gold, Ness gets cash from ATM machines and his dad puts money into his account. Goblins, imps, and dragons are replaced with Runaway Dogs, Cranky Bag Ladies, and my personal favorite, the Unassuming Local Guy.
My most liked character in this game is a dude named Brick Road. He loves to make dungeons, but his dream is to become the first human/dungeon hybrid in history. Yeah, fucked up. Even more fucked up is that he does it. He becomes a gigantic tower with legs and invites people inside of his body to navigate the dungeon inside. Who could possibly come up with that idea? That’s not even the most fucked up part of the game. That goes to a city named Moonside.
If you smoke up and play Earthbound while exploring Moonside, you will flip out. Basically, Moonside is an alternate Bizarro world of a normal city named Fourside. It’s pitch dark except for neon sidewalks and buildings. Yes means no and no means yes. When you talk to the denizens of Moonside, they answer with WEIRD MOTHERFUCKING responses like “Do you like bones? I bone. You bone. We bone. Moonside, sidemoon, mooooooonsiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide moon moon moon side side side.” Weird and wild stuff, but it’s a good weird. Earthbound is so weird that you want to keep playing and explore what else it has in store for you. Earthbound, I love you now and forever, and I give you my Underrated Award.
OVERRATED: The Dragon Quest series
I do not understand a lot of things about the Japanese people. I do not understand why they love Karaoke. I do not understand why they have vending machines with used female underwear inside. Most of all, I do not understand Dragon Quest. Like Final Fantasy and Earthbound, Dragon Quest is a role-playing game (RPG). I love RPGs, I love Final Fantasy and Earthbound, but I have always hated Dragon Quest. It is the most boring game ever created and I owned Donkey Kong Jr. Math for Nintendo.
When it was released in America, it was given the name Dragon Warrior. I remember reading about it in Nintendo Power magazine, which was my bible for a time. They made this game look like the ultimate journey into mystical lands beyond belief. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I put the game in, and for some reason, the people who translated it into English decided to go with Shakespeare English. I had no idea what the fuck the game was saying – I was only in second grade when it came out. It was like, “Dost thou wish to slayeth the evil Dragon Lord with thine sword in thee hand?” By the time I deciphered the opening line, Inspector Gadget was almost on. I turned the game off and returned the next day.
When you start the game, you have 20 hit points (HP). If they reach zero, you die. For those of you who have never played RPGs, you have to go around killing monsters to get stronger. In Dragon Warrior, it takes about three hours to gain 2 more hit points. Meanwhile, monsters would hit you and take off an insane amount of HP. Plus, you could only earn money by killing monsters, but they would only give you one piece of gold. I was fighting with a stick, but how much did a sword cost? Like 4,000 gold pieces! If I were to ever afford the sword, I would still be playing the game today. I would be taking a break earning gold to write this article. Anyway, I decided to forget about the sword and getting strong, and just moved onto the next town. Of course, monsters get stronger as you walk into new lands. Here’s an example of how far I got:
- Fishman encountered a Drake!
- Fishman attacks!
- 1 HP worth of damage to the Drake.
- Drake cast Fireball!
- 580 HP worth of damage to Fishman.
- Fishman died.
- GAME OVER!
That is not an exaggeration. That was what the game was like. The only way to beat this game is to waste your entire life slowly getting stronger. Luckily, I am not alone in my contempt for Dragon Quest. Most Americans hate this game. Then why is it overrated? It is overrated because Japan loves this game. This game is so huge in Japan, that people mug each other when the new game comes out. Thousands of kids skip school to buy these terrible games. There is a spell called “Heal” is in this game. The word “heal” was not in the Japanese vocabulary, but it became so popular, that people began using it in everyday conversation. “Heal” (or “hearu”) was officially added to the Japanese dictionary because of this game. There is also a monster called a slime, which is basically an onion-shaped blob with a smiling face. If you ask a Japanese person to draw a slime, chances are that they will draw the slime from “Dragon Quest.” I asked my other next door neighbor - a mentally challenged Japanese man named Kenzo - to draw me a slime and look at what he drew:
See? That is how much impact this series has had on Japan, which is shocking because the series sucks balls. I actually gave it another shot in college when I downloaded an emulator. I played Dragon Quest V, which was never released in America, but was translated by some fan. The game was still horrible, leading me to believe that Japanese fans actually like wasting hours of their lives on these shitty games. I will never give it another chance again. Dragon Quest, you get the Overrated Award and I spit in your face as well.
That’s about it for the Overrated/Underrated Awards. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed typing it out…which I didn’t. I’m sure plenty of people disagree with me, but they are wrong. I am the Alpha and the Omega and all life begins and ends with Fishman.
Questions? Comments? Offended that Fishman basically declared himself God? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com
