Fishman here. On Sunday morning, I got a phone call from my cousin, Gwen. She majors in Journalism down at Florida State. Gwen was assigned to interview someone slightly interesting. Her parents told her that I was a comedy writer, so when Gwen called me, she realized that they were very much in error. I told her I merely wrote for an unknown website and mainly talk about porn and slightly humorous true stories. Nonetheless, Gwen really wanted to finish her assignment and began her interview. After an interview that took way too long, I hung up and expected to never hear from my dear cousin again. However, I received an e-mail from Gwen the next day that contained the unedited interview. It should provide a giggle or two, and you can finally learn more about the enigma that is Fishman. Enjoy!

What are your favorite television programs?

Currently, it's “Lost” and “Late Night with Conan O'Brien.” I think “Lost” is fantastic. When I found out Locke (a character in the show) was in a wheelchair before the plane crash, I threw my arms in the air and went, “This show rocks! It rocks!” I don't need to explain how great Conan is because everyone knows. For my all time favorite show, it's “The Simpsons,” seasons 1 - 7. The rest is trash, although some recent episodes have been par. “Family Guy” and “The Venture Bros.” are shows that never fail to make me laugh. I also love “South Park,” but not for the vulgarity. It has brilliant satire and a lot of people don't know that. They dismiss it as disgusting - which it is - but there's much more to it than that. Trey Parker and Matt Stone are geniuses...or genii, if you will. I used to watch Insomniac with Dave Attell non-stop, but he only makes specials now. I'm probably forgetting much more, but whatever. Don't you hate the people who respond with “I don't watch television” and they expect you to be impressed?

No.

What kind of cousin are you?

Who are your role models in humor?

That's tough. It used to be Conan O'Brien, but when I learned he was from Harvard, I backed off. People from schools like that always think they're better than everyone else. I learned Dave Attell went to NYU and I was pissed. Conan tries to hide his Harvard past so he can connect with the regular college kids who watch. A guest brought it up once and he tried to write it off as nothing. Immediately, I thought, “Jeez, he must really some kind of asshole egghead.” What I'm trying to get at is my role model in humor is Hideki Matsui because I learned he has a huge porn collection and jokes about it. I can relate to that.

Do you feel inferior to comedy writers who went to better schools?

Of course! I graduated from SUNY Buffalo. It's a good school, but it's not considered great. No offense to Buffalo – because I loved the school and had a great time there – but when you mention that you went there, it doesn’t really impress. It's no NYU. When I read these biographies about how these comedians got into the business, they always say they graduated from some amazing school. Like “after graduating Yale” or “after getting his/her Master's from Cornell” so-and-so managed to land a gig at Saturday Night Live. Well, of course they did! These fuckers were smart enough to get into the best colleges in the nation. I'm stupid. I'll be the first to admit that. I can't do math for shit and I'm slow in other areas. I would have never been accepted to those places. My average was an 82 in high school. I only got into Buffalo because I applied early decision.

So you hate all people who went to better colleges?

Nah, maybe I went too far. Although I once visited Cornell and most of them were total dicks. I mentioned where I went to school and they had this smirk that said, “Wow, that's pathetic.” Kids who go to Cornell think they live in some paradise. They wear these shirts that say, “Ithaca is Gorges.” Okay assholes, we get it. It's a pun. Here's a new shirt idea: “Ithaca is in the middle of nowhere and no one in the real world gives a shit about it.” Some kids, however, were cool.

What are your favorite books?

I don't read much. I only read books that were assigned to me in class, except for two: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

You're such a tool.

Okay, first off, there is a reason for the Harry Potter thing. Second off, up yours! You see, I recently saw the second Harry Potter movie in theaters. It was winter break, but Paul - my ride home - had a final on the last day possible. I had no finals. All of my friends went home, I had no car, and I began to go crazy. I had a total week to myself. I liked the Harry Potter movies, so I decided to go to the campus library and check out the third book. Hey, I won't lie - it was a good book. As for Fear and Loathing, I just felt like reading it. It was awesome. The whole book is like hearing your friend describe what a great time he had at the bar last night, but it takes place over the course of several days. Other than that, I liked The Sound and the Fury and who could forget The Monster at the End of This Book. My mom used to read that to me as a bedtime story…until I was 17.

What's your favorite band/music?

I'm so out of touch with current music that it's sad. From what I hear on the radio, the popular stuff is crappy pop by people who have no talent. Holy crap, do you know that Lindsay Lohan has a song?

No.

It's the worst piece of shit ever recorded. And people request it! Who goes out of their way to call up a radio station and go, “Yeah, hi. I want to hear that song that makes my ears bleed and my dog whimper in pain.” I know it’s a matter of opinion, but no. Anyone who isn’t deaf can tell the song is awful and that she isn’t a singer. It’s a horrible song and whoever thinks differently needs to drown themselves in a bathtub right now.

Why aren’t you like this when we visit?

Your family makes me miserable, Gwen. I’m sick of uncle Frank and aunt Sheila. I also hate Mikey. I know he’s only 12, but the kid is such a loser. He has no future. He’s going to die a virgin. People can just tell.

Okay, can we continue the music thing?

Sorry. Anyway, the only thing those Duffs, Lohans, and Simpsons are selling is an image, but they actually believe they are musicians. Their fucking voices are enhanced with computers! Ever listen to J.Lo songs? “Jenny from the Block” is 100% enhanced. She never sings on her own. There is like added back-up singers that totally outshine her. This is what kids today think is talent. It's sad that people make such a big deal about musicians who write their own music and play their own instruments nowadays. That used to be normal.

What do you think about the Ashlee Simpson thing on SNL?

That was God Himself saying, “Enough with this no talent piece of crap. I smite thee!” I think she sang the song on the CD though. Milli Vanilli never sang anything ever, so I wouldn’t call her the second Milli Vanilli, but she’s damn close. The reason she had a recording is because she sucked ass when she performed live on the MTV Music Awards. So, to bounce back, I bet her people decided to do the lip-synch thing. What really gives me the red ass is that she blamed her band. The band didn’t mess up, you fucking idiot! It was a pre-recorded tape! Everyone heard it! Even after they cut the tape off, it briefly came back on for a second! You fucked up, Ashlee. Admit it and move on. And end your name with a “Y” instead of that double E! It gets on my nerves.

So what’s your favorite band then?

Oh right. I don’t know. I like 311, Phish, Sublime, Zebrahead, Grateful Dead…but I’m not crazy about them. Not enough to consider them my favorite. I guess I’m lame.

What was your major in college?

Media Study with a minor in English. Media Study is basically video or film production, like for movies and shit. The department was terrible. It didn’t have enough funding so there wasn’t enough equipment for the large amount of students enrolled. I didn’t learn anything. I was barely taught how to edit and some teachers expected me to learn it on my own. I’m not smart enough for that. My parents were paying a lot of money for those courses, so the teacher could at least teach us how to edit video in a video course. Is that so much to ask?

Why don’t you pursue a career at a production company?

Like I said before, I didn’t learn anything. How I graduated is beyond me. If a production company hired me, I wouldn’t know the first thing. I had an interview for an internship at a production company last summer and they asked me if I knew how to use this editing program. I was never taught how and it was the only negative thing in an otherwise amazing interview. I didn’t get the internship. I was also told by one of my teachers at Buffalo that I had no talent and my media work was sub-par at best. I hate that guy and his words really crushed me. So, those are your reasons.

Bush or Kerry?

Kerry, Kerry, Kerry. Why would anyone vote for Bush? I’m pro-choice and very active in separating church and state. I also hate the FCC and a lot of right-wingers are in charge there. You know they bleep out “Jesus Christ” if someone uses it in anger on television? That’s not right. It’s not a curse. To most people, it’s the same thing as saying, “Oh my God!” Like, “Jesus Christ! Did you see that car explode?” Can’t say that anymore. It’s “Jesus (BEEP!) Did you see that car explode?”

What-

I’m not done. People for Bush always say, “All you have against Bush is that he’s evil. You have no argument to back it up.” Okay, let’s go. When Bush ran for Governor of Texas against Ann Richards, his campaign started a rumor campaign where they called up houses and went “People say Ann Richards is a lesbian.” Was it true? No. Did it work? Yes. They used the hate inside people to get votes. So they lied and used bigotry. They did the same thing against John McCain in the Republican primary. They called up houses and went “McCain has an illegitimate black daughter.” True? No. Did it work? Yes. Only this time, McCain said something but his party shut him up right quick. Isn’t that evil? When you attend a Bush rally, you have to sign a loyalty oath to him. They kick out anyone who they believe will protest. No evidence, mind you. They just believe they will protest. Why do you think Bush rallies have such crazy happy people? Because they only allow those types of people in, so when John Q. Moron watches the rally at home he goes, “Wow, Bush supporters are so passionate! I’ll vote for him!” Also, people have this notion that a strong leader is someone who doesn’t change his mind, like Bush. No, that doesn’t mean you’re strong. It means you’re stubborn! There’s a difference between strong and stubborn, but the Republicans have somehow managed to get the public to believe that it’s a strong point. Even Pat Robertson, a psycho right-wing Christian, thinks Bush is out of touch. He told an interviewer that when Bush was about to invade Iraq, Robertson told Bush, “You have to prepare for casualties.” Bush shrugged him off and went, “No, we won’t have any of those.” If Pat Robertson is worried, we’re in deep shit.

What-

Hold on. Sorry, you got me on a rant. Everyone in the debate made a big deal about Kerry mentioning Cheney’s gay daughter. First off, no one noticed until the Republican spinners made a deal of it. What about Bush? The guy doesn’t know if being a homosexual is a choice or not! How could anyone think it’s a choice? My friend Doug said, “At least he was honest.” Okay, so if Bush said, “I’m going to kill every person with red hair,” would you go, “Well, that’s insane but at least you’re honest.” It baffles me how people think. You know in Illinois, Barack Obama is killing Alan Keyes in the polls. Keyes makes Bush look sane. His own party even hates him after he said that Cheney’s daughter is going to Hell for being gay. But this woman in an interview went, “Obama is just slick. Keyes is honest. I like that.” What a fucking idiot! You can still be honest and say something horrible! No one seems to understand this! Honesty does not equal good! I want to track down that woman and beat sense into her.

What about Nader?

Nader is a fucking tool who has been consumed by his own ego. He knows he can’t win. He knows he is only taking votes away from Kerry. Gore would have won Florida if Nader didn’t run. For shit’s sake, the Republicans give his campaign funding and he knows it. Even Michael Moore and Bill Maher, who are hardcore liberals, are begging Nader not to run. I respect Nader’s right to run, but not in this election. This election is too important and his presence is bothersome to everyone. But I don’t think it will ruin Kerry’s chances. 51% of the people who voted for Nader in the last election are voting for Kerry in this election. If people are still voting for Nader after all this clear evidence that he’s doing more harm than good, then they must be hardcore Nader supporters. If Nader weren’t on the ballot, those people just wouldn’t vote at all.

Enough about politics already! What is your favorite movie?

The Big Lebowski. I must have seen that movie 20 times. I love The Godfather I & II. Not three. Holy crap, what a piece of shit that was. I also love Goodfellas, Forrest Gump, the Star Wars trilogy, the Indiana Jones trilogy, the Back to the Future trilogy, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I just like saying trilogy. There is also Fight Club, Awakenings, Dazed and Confused, Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, and anything by Pixar. My secret favorite is a League of Their Own. It’s the only movie that gets me choked up every time and I feel like such a tool for revealing that. There are more, but I’m tired of talking.

Sorry, there’s more. What do you hope to accomplish in the future?

Finding a job. I don’t even care if I hate the job – I just want to work. I refuse to work at the mall, however. Rumors and gossip spread in this town like acne on a teenager’s face. Wow, I just made that up. That’s pretty fucking good. Anyway, I just know that some douche that I went to high school with would stop at the mall and see me working. The next day, I would get a call from my friend going, “Did you drop out of college? So-and-so saw you working at the mall and said you dropped out of college and work there now.” It’s sad, but I’m not exaggerating. I need to be in an office, away from people I know. Besides the obvious job thing, I want to write humor for a living, but I don’t think that’ll happen. I figure my life is pretty much over.

What made you decide to become a comedy writer?

Shouldn’t you have asked me that first?

I’m going to edit later.

Oh, okay. It all started when I began writing this e-mail story in high school called “Bunyard the Wanderer.” Basically, it took place in a fantastic world of wizards and dragons, but Bunyard was just a fat slob who loved whores and shitting in public. I sent it to my friends and they loved it. I kept writing more and before long, I realized that they didn’t care about the cursing and hookers. They just liked how I wrote it. I knew how to describe situations and add depth to the characters. It felt good that people enjoyed what I wrote. So that’s how it started.

What is your greatest accomplishment?

Losing my virginity before turning 21.

With writing, Matt.

Oh. I got an award for Excellence in Creative Writing in high school. That was cool. In college, these two girls were my editors for the campus magazine. I ran into them at a bar and they said that out of all the new writers, I was the one they wanted to blow the most. That made me feel good, although that doesn’t have much to do with writing per se. Why the hell didn’t I pursue that? I could have had two girls at the same time! I’m so stupid. Most recently my friend Jim, who’s the head honcho at the site I write for, really praised this article I wrote and it really lifted my spirits. Oh, and I wrote and recorded an essay of mine and it was played on public radio up at Albany. Of course, (my cousin) helped me get it on the air. Am I done?

Yeah, thanks a lot.

Not a problem.

Questions? Comments? Do you cry when watching a League of Their Own? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com