Fishman here. I love jokes and some of them I learned many, many years ago. They stuck with me for some reason, so I thought I’d share them with you. I know this isn’t a real article, but I already have my next article and I’m sick of talking about funny things that have happened to me. You, the reader, deserve better. Some of these jokes are funny, some are mediocre, but I love them anyway. So here is a list of my all-time favorite jokes.

The Magic Pickled Penis

There was this ugly woman and she was probably the most disgusting female in history. She was obese, had acne all over her face and body, had hair growing in odd places, and she smelled terrible. No man would go near her, so she never had sex although she was very horny.

One day, as she was walking through town, she noticed a magical trinket store. She walked inside and there was a gypsy working behind the counter.

“Oh, mystical gypsy,” the woman said. “I want to have sex but I’m too ugly. Do you have anything to help me?”

“I have just the thing,” the gypsy responded. He took a pickle jar from on top of the counter and gave it the woman. There was a lone pickle floating inside and it looked like a penis. “This is the Magic Pickled Penis. This will fulfill your sexual desires. All you need to do is say ‘Magic Pickled Penis, my…’ then say the where you want it to go. For example: Magic Pickled Penis, my hand!”

The lid on the jar unscrewed by itself and the Magic Pickled Penis flew out and landed in the gypsy’s hand! It stayed there, wriggling and spinning around. The woman knew where she had to tell the Magic Pickled Penis to go.

“HOWEVER,” the gypsy warned. “If you want it to stop, you have to say the magic password: Zubaz.” (I forgot what the real password was.) When the gypsy said that word, the Magic Pickled Penis flew back into the pickle jar and the lid screwed itself back on. Jubilant, the woman paid the gypsy and took the Magic Pickled Penis home.

When she got home, she stripped naked, went to bed, spread her legs wide open, and said “Magic Pickled Penis, my vagina!” Sure enough, the Magic Pickled Penis flew out of the jar and went inside her vagina. Within seconds, the woman had two tremendous orgasms. Out of breath and lightheaded, she shouted out “Zubaz” and the Magic Pickled Penis flew back into the jar.

For months, the woman enjoyed the Magic Pickled Penis. Everyday, she would strip naked, spread her legs wide open, and let the Magic Pickled Penis do its work. One fateful day, as the Magic Pickled Penis was inside of her, she realized that she forgot the password. She panicked, and ran outside naked, screaming “HELP! HELP!” The woman noticed a cop walking down the street and she stopped him.

“HELP ME!” The woman screamed. “I HAVE A MAGIC PICKLED PENIS INSIDE OF ME!”

“Ha!” The cop chuckled, not believing the woman. “Magic Pickled Penis, my ass!”

Not Long Enough, Not Old Enough

A boy and his grandfather were fishing out on a lake. The grandfather began drinking a can of beer.

“Hey grandpa,” the boy asked. “Can I have a sip?”

“Can your dick touch your asshole?” His grandfather responded.

“Uh, no.”

“Not long enough, not old enough. Sorry, you can’t have any beer.”

Later on in the afternoon, the grandfather lit up a cigar and began smoking.

“Hey grandpa,” the boy asked. “Can I have a puff?”

“Can your dick touch your asshole?”

“No, grandpa, it can’t.”

“Not long enough, not old enough. Sorry, you can’t smoke a cigar.”

The next day, the boy won $500 from a scratch-off lottery ticket. His grandfather came over to congratulate him.

“You going to share some of that money with your ol’ grandpa?” The grandfather asked.

“Hey grandpa,” the boy said. “Can your dick touch your asshole?”

“As a matter of fact,” his grandfather smirked. “It can.”

“THEN GO FUCK YOURSELF!”

The Amazing Drunk

A tall office building has a bar on the top floor. After a hard day’s work, a man who works in the building was having some beers there. Suddenly, a staggering drunk walked over to him.

“Hey buddy,” the drunk slurred. “I bet you $50 that I can jump out the window and jump back in.”

“I’m just having a drink,” the man responded, attempting to ignore the obnoxious drunk. However, the drunk kept bothering the man.

“C’mon buddy! $50 says I can do it.”

“Fine, if it will make you go away, I bet you can’t do it.” The man slammed $50 on the countertop, and the drunk ran to the window. He opened it and jumped out. Sure enough, he hopped back in. The man was amazed! The drunk took the $50 and laughed.

“Hey man,” the drunk said. “I bet you $100 that I could do that twice!”

“You’re on!” The man said. He was very angry that he just lost $50. Again, the drunk hopped out the window. He hopped back in, jumped out again, and then hopped back in again! The man begrudgingly gave the drunk $100.

“Hey buddy…”

“You know what?” The man said, fuming that he lost $150. “If a drunk like you can do that, I sure as hell can!” The man ran to the window, jumped out, and fell to his death. The bartender then walked up to the drunk.

“No offense,” the bartender said to the drunk. “But you’re really an asshole when you drink, Superman.”

That One Clown

This little boy always wanted to go to the circus. However, his family was very poor and his father could never afford the tickets. Then, on his 10th birthday, his father surprised him with two tickets to the circus! The boy and his father went to the circus that same day. He saw the elephants, the acrobats, and right before the clowns came out, the lights went off. Suddenly, a spotlight shone on the kid. A clown with a megaphone walked out and said, “Somebody looks like an ass!” The entire place erupted with laughter! Hundreds of people were pointing and laughing at the kid! Even his father was laughing!

Humiliated, the kid ran out of the circus in tears. He was emotionally shattered and scarred for life. From that point on, he vowed to get revenge on that one clown. When he got home, he began to use his father’s gun for target practice. He became incredibly proficient, then eventually learned how to use bigger and more deadly guns. The kid had one thought in his mind as he shot cans in his backyard: getting revenge on that one clown.

Years went by, and the kid read countless books about revenge, combat, and war. He couldn’t concentrate in school. He lost all of his friends. He threw out everything he owned that was not related to violence. He began learning how to make explosives, how to throw knives, and how to torture. His mother and father worried about his sanity. All he cared about was getting revenge on that own clown.

Eventually, the kid dropped out of high school. He was now so deadly that he could kill a man in seconds with his bare hands. He didn’t get a job to support himself, so his parents kicked him out of the house. He lived on the streets, where he would draw pictures of the clown and claw at it, scaring people who walked by. For years, the kid – now a dirty, bearded man - lived the life of a homeless bum. One day, as he woke up from a nap underneath a bridge, he noticed that a newspaper mentioned that the circus was back in town. It was the same circus that the man went to so long ago. Finally, his time had come.

The man acquired a ticket, sat in the same exact seat he had when he was a boy, and watched the show. The elephants came out and the man got excited. It was almost time for his revenge. The acrobats then came out, causing the man to drool with anticipation. In only mere seconds, the time he dreamt about for so long was finally happening! Sure enough, the lights went out. A spotlight shone on the man. The same clown came out with a megaphone and again said, “Somebody looks like an ass!” The man sprung to his feet.

“Fuck you, clown!”

And now, a Polish Joke (Shut the fuck up. I’m part Polish)

An American guy, a British guy, and a Polish guy were driving through the countryside one night when their car breaks down. They walked to the nearest farm and explained their situation to the farmer.

“Well, I have no phone,” the farmer said. “But I can drive you into town tomorrow morning. You can spend the night here. I have three extra rooms, but stay out of the basement! I keep my daughter down there. She’s a tad touched in the head. If she sees you, she will take her gun and blow your head off.”

Clearly, the three men agreed to go nowhere near the basement. Later that night, the American guy couldn’t sleep. He was too curious about the farmer’s daughter. So, he crept out of his room, opened the basement door, and began to descend the steps. The basement was pitch black and he couldn’t see anything. Suddenly, one of the steps creaked!

“Who’s there?” The girl asked, accompanied with the sound of a gun being cocked. The American panicked.

“Meow, meow,” the American said.

“Oh, it’s just you, Whiskers. Get out of here, you silly cat!” The American dashed up the steps, dove back into his room, and locked the door. An hour later, the British guy was overcome by his curiosity. He went to the basement and the same step creaked.

“Who’s there?” The girl again asked, cocking her gun.

“Meow, meow,” the British guy said.

“Whiskers, you damn cat! Get out of here!” The British guy ran back to his room and locked the door. An hour after that, the Polish guy was overcome by his curiosity. He went to the basement and the same step creaked.

“Who’s there?” The girl asked.

“It’s the cat.”

AIDS

A Polish guy was visiting his friend in America. They both went to New York City for some sightseeing, when a mugger jumped out in from of them. He pointed a syringe at them.

“This thing is contaminated with AIDS!” The mugger said. “Give me your wallets!”

“Take it easy, man!” The American said, throwing him the wallet. The mugger turned to the Polish guy.

“Give me your wallet!”

“Fuck off!” The Polish guy smirked. “I’m not scared of you.” Sure enough, the mugger stabbed the Polish guy with the syringe.

“Now you have AIDS! Fuck you!” The mugger ran off. The American was horrified.

“Why did you do that?” The American asked his grinning Polish friend.

“It’s okay,” the Polish guy responded. “I’m wearing a condom.”

I think you all suffered enough for now. My fingers really hurt from typing these out. I am sure that I forgot several other favorite jokes of mine, but you don’t care. Trust me: If you tell these jokes to any chick, she will sleep with you. I guarantee it.

Questions? Comments? Have any jokes of your own? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com