Fishman here. I’m very happy that so many of you enjoyed “A Sad, Sad Tale.” I don’t know how many people read it (my guess is 15), but thanks. Hell, even my parents liked it. It made me think of the crappy ol’ days back at G.W. Hewlett High School. I won’t say that I hated high school since it’s so cliché. It’s hip for people to say that they hated high school. When someone says high school was the best time of their life, take two steps back – that person is probably a demon that spits venomous acid. I tolerated high school, which helped me to survive. Recently, my friend and I were talking about the hot girls in our graduating class. This led to me to unearth my yearbook. There is some funny stuff in this piece of crap, so let’s take a look.

The year 2000 was a great time to be graduating. First of all, it was the year 2000, for shit’s sake! How cool was that? I’m so grateful that my dad’s condom broke in late summer of 1981, enabling me to be born in 1982. Second of all…no, that’s about it.

2000, man. Two fucking thousand.

Anyway, as you may have read in my previous article, high school wasn’t a great time for me. Girls hated me, teachers hated me, I was (am) stupid, two of my friends dropped out senior year, and it was becoming painfully clear that I would not be losing my virginity for quite some time. I was a loser.

That previous section had nothing to do with this article. I just wanted to set up the mood so you can see this yearbook through my eyes. The first notable page of my yearbook is the kids of my class forming “00” on a lawn somewhere on the school. The funny thing about the “00” is that there are only, like, around 100 kids doing it when my class was a little over 200. Why? It was a fucking half-day! Who the hell would want to stay in school a minute longer than they have to on a half-day? The weather was gorgeous too! I remember walking to my 1990 Geo Tracker and being told that we had to do a class photo. Laughing, I gave a big middle finger to the direction of my school and drove home. Why? Because we already did a class photo weeks before!

The next page is that photo. Almost everyone was in this picture, and I like it because it was just a bunch of screaming students in a big mosh pit. I also like it because it’s easy to see my face and the faces of all of my friends. My friend Moran is giving two big middle fingers to the camera. That is SO 2000. However, I also dislike this photo because the editors placed “MAKIN’ OUR MARK” across the entire picture. There are several douches in the front row that wanted to be the highlight of the picture by being in front. These kids were the Advanced Placement kids who thought that they were the be all and end all of life. Tough luck, guys - the word MARK is stamped across all of your faces. My friends and I are right beneath the “M” in “MAKIN.’” Prime real estate.

My next favorite part is the pictures, and my picture is worth 1000 words. You can tell what I’m thinking just by looking at me. My look seemed to say, “Will I ever know what a vagina smells like?” I wish I could post my picture on the web site, but that will not happen. Basically, I’m not smiling fully. It’s a closed mouth smirk, but it looks like I just sighed while staring across a vast field. Definitely the look one gives when wondering about vagina odor. I also look much younger in the photo since I didn’t start to age until college. My face back then was baby smooth and I couldn’t grow sideburns. Sideburns! I had sideburns the minute that I entered Buffalo! Anyway, it’d be cruel to make fun of other people’s pictures…especially since their pictures aren’t that bad. It’s also creepy to be looking at the girls who I liked in high school. It borders on “psycho stalker.”

The next few pages are just random galleries of seniors doing what they do. I’m not in any of them, which is fine with me. I could have been. I was walking down the hall with my friend and Eli, when a girl took a picture of us.

“It’s for the yearbook,” she said.

“Cool,” I responded. “Too bad it won’t come out.”

“Yeah it will. Why won’t it come out?”

“The flash never went off.”

“It didn’t?” The girl then proceeded to open the camera. Let’s pause here. Even if the picture did come out, she just exposed the film, rendering it useless. But don’t worry – when she opened the camera, there wasn’t any film inside at all, which is why the flash did not go off…or something. All I know is that she was stupid for forgetting the film.

My favorite part of all the favorite parts is the information…or questionnaire…I don’t know what they’re called exactly. It’s where you describe yourself, ambition, personal quotes etc. Let me make this clear: I have no ego and very little self-esteem. However, I can say without any doubt, that mine is the funniest one in the yearbook. I feel like an asshole for saying that, but it is. It’s the only thing that I have ever bragged about, so let me have this. Everyone had the same thing: those dumbass shout-outs that listed 5-10 of their friends’ initials. I didn’t understand that. Why only write their initials? What’s the big secret? Were they ashamed of their friends? Also, everyone had the same ambition: “To be successful at whatever I choose to do in life.” A great ambition, but so fucking boring. Here is my yearbook information thing-a-ma-jig:

NAME: Matthew Fishman
BIRTHDAY: 5/21/82
NICKNAMES: Matt, Fatt Mishman, Swimmy Howard, Fish, Oodus, Barry
QUOTE: “EEE!!!” “What up, diggety dog?” “Bite me!” “Excellent…” “GADZOOKS!” “I don’t care.” “I wasn’t paying attention.” “Stay away from my sister.” “Dude!”
LIKES: Television, sleeping, The Simpsons, sleeping, Dragon Ball Z, sleeping, movies, sleeping, Starcraft and Brood War, sleeping, heavily salted snack treats, sleeping, my recliner chair, sleeping, my Tracker, sleeping, Bunyard the Wanderer and School Guide, sleeping, Gym Football, sleeping, MST3K (may it rest in peace), sleeping, Late Night with Conan O’Brien, sleeping. I guess that’s about it. Oh wait, I like to sleep too. Shoutouts are a waste of time because in 30 years I will not remember all of the initials.
DISLIKES: Phonies, people who bury other people alive, paper cuts, any type of school work, the fact that I am 17 and have the stamina of a 90-year old, the fact that I cannot maintain my springtime freshness, and waking up before noon!
ACTIVITIES: Video Club, Spectrum, Art Club, Writing Bunyard the Wanderer and School Guide, Street Football. Read my books: Journey to the Center of Matt Fishman, Happiness is a Naked Matt Fishman, How to Make Love to Matt Fishman, and The Joy of Cooking Matt Fishman.
AMBITION: I want to spend the rest of my life in middle management where I am miserable because my wife wants more money, my kids are rebels, and my boss can’t remember my name. I would also like to be a comedy writer and get hot chicks who just love me for my money.

Fishman, you diabolical bastard. That was the only thing that I contributed to the yearbook and I have never regretted it. It’s not all fun and games though. The people who I really felt bad for in this section were the retards. The Special Education class graduated with us. I don’t know why since most of them were around 20-years old, but whatever. Those kids were great (I worked with them in middle school), but MY GOD, their information was depressing! Maybe I’m being cruel, but I’m trying to make you laugh, so relax your politically correct mind and enjoy. Here is one:

NAME: Ray (last name withheld)
BIRTHDAY: 10/27/82
QUOTE: “I get by with a little help from my friends.”
LIKES: Thanksgiving feast, Lynbrook kids, Friday morning breakfast, Billboard CD’s, license plates, gym class
ACTIVITES: Volleyball, basketball, listening to music, going to the library
AMBITION: I would like to work at Trader Joe’s

My soul hurts when reading that. First off, we all know that a teacher was standing above poor Ray and reaching over his shoulders to type for him. You can picture that – admit it. Also, do you think Ray actually likes that quote?

TEACHER: “Ray, what kind of quote do you want?” RAY: “…” TEACHER: “How about ‘I get by with a little help from my friends?’” RAY: “…” TEACHER: “Okay, I’m going to write ‘I get by with a little help from my friends.’ There you go!” RAY: “…Mittens…”

Ray must also REALLY like license plates if he wrote it down in the yearbook. I wonder if Ray flips out when he sees one. Do you think that if he saw one in class he would freak out in a state of utter ecstasy? I’m picturing desks flipped over, crayon everywhere, which eventually forces the teacher to shoot him with a tranquilizer dart. I’m rambling, but it’s a cool thought. The most obvious part that sticks out of Ray’s information is that they left out his dislikes. Imagine the floodgates that would open if Ray listed his dislikes.

DISLIKES: Being retarded. What the hell do you think? I can’t even count to 20, my classmates bite each other, and license plates give me an erection. Get the fuck out of my face! I’m going to leave Ray alone. His ambition is sad since Trader Joe’s is a small market, but to each his own. If he’s working at Joe’s now, he’s doing better than I am.

Moving away from the information section, we’ll go through pages and pages of pointless crap. Since you’re in my shoes, all we care about is Fishman. I wrote for the high school newspaper, the Spectrum (coincidentally, the same name as the UB school paper), during my senior year. The Spectrum people were really nice to me, and they even gave me my own op-ed column called “Full Frontal Fishman.” Since the paper came out once a month, and I just needed to rant for about 2-3 pages, it was the easiest thing ever. WAIT, WHAT’S THIS? In the yearbook, I’m not mentioned! You see, there was one issue of Spectrum that omitted my name and the “Full Frontal Fishman” title. The column was still there, however. When the yearbook came out months later, the Spectrum page showed the titles for every op-ed column. However, the yearbook people used that ONE issue that didn’t have “Full Frontal Fishman.” I was not mentioned at all. Even a long list of writers failed to produce my name. Coincidence or conspiracy? I’m leaning towards the latter. Since then, I have considered the Spectrum editors that I worked for to be evil.

Holy crap, this went on too long. I’m ending this now since there isn’t much left to the yearbook. It’s just a bunch of clubs, the stuff my friends wrote to me, and the booster my parents submitted along with hundreds of other parents. I’m done talking about high school forever…unless I can’t think of another article for ZubazPants.com.

Questions or comments? Want to purchase How to Make Love to Matt Fishman? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com