Fishman here. I was drawing a complete blank when thinking of a topic to write about this week. Then, it hit me – prom. Yes, I went to prom. Yes, I had a date. No, I did not get drunk (I didn’t drink until the second week of my freshman year at college). However, the ordeal I had to go through to get a date was horrific. During this past year, my AIM profile was “The Most Embarrassing Moments of Fishman’s Life.” I did not include this story because it was too long and too sad. My ego still has not recovered. The following story is 100% true. Read and enjoy.

It was September of 1999, and I was a senior at G.W. Hewlett High School. Back then, I wasn’t the sexy piece of amazing that I am today – I was a disgusting piece of worm-ridden shit. I couldn’t grow facial hair (it finally happened in 2002. No joke), I couldn’t grow armpit hair in one armpit, and worst of all, girls intimidated the living fuck out of me. It’s true - we all have living fuck inside of us, but girls managed to scare my living fuck away somewhere. I feel that I live a handicapped life because I am without living fuck.

I completely lost track of what I was talking about. Oh right - prom. During the summer, I knew that I needed to find a date early or I would be screwed. Luckily, I managed to befriend a girl that I’ll call “Uno” over the summer. Uno was friends with my friends, and I went bowling with her a couple of times. About 10 days into the school year, I asked Uno to be my prom date, but we would go as friends. The “friend” thing really made my offer easy and non-threatening, so she accepted. I was saved. Over the passing weeks, all of her friends kept saying that she wanted me to be her boyfriend - real high school shit. She couldn’t tell me to my face, and I didn’t want to do it because I knew that if we broke up, I had no date for prom. However, her friends kept telling me that she wanted me to ask her out, so I eventually did. I bumped into Uno in a hallway after school, and I made some joke. We were laughing, but I stopped laughing in an instant, got all serious, and went, “Will you go out with me?” Uno was freaked out, but could you blame her? I asked her out like I was proposing marriage.

Our relationship lasted 6 days. During 5 of those days, Uno was out of town on some trip. When she got back, she immediately dumped me. I was flabbergasted. She was the one who wanted to be asked out, yet she dumps me? What the hell was going on? Uno kept insisting that it was because she was busy with school and college plans, but I wasn't buying it. After days of grilling her, she finally confessed: I wasn’t dangerous enough. Uno said that I didn’t live life on the edge or some shit. According to Uno, most 17-year olds surf in shark-infested waters and wipe their ass with barbed wire. Since I wasn’t Uno’s daredevil type, I promptly told her to go fuck herself and I have never spoken to her again. Flash forward to September of 2000 when I’m at SUNY Buffalo. I tell the Uno story to a kid named Paul Feuer, and he breaks out laughing. Paul is still laughing to this very day.

Back to September of 1999. With Uno gone, I was in a state of utter panic. I asked my good friend Harris for help, and the fantastic young man knew of someone. He went to camp with a girl that I will name “Dos.” I was given Dos’ screen name and we chatted for a long time. I liked Dos a lot and she sent me a picture of herself. She looked great, but in truth, I wouldn’t care if she had a Hobbit’s foot for a head – I just wanted a date. She lived in another town, but was very excited for my prom. I was saved. We will now push the calendar forward to a fateful day in March of 2000, when I get an IM from Dos. She couldn’t be my prom date anymore. Dos was going to be a counselor at her camp for the up-coming summer, and counselors had to arrive weeks in advance. Prom was in late June, so she wouldn’t be around. Although I was sympathetic online, I nearly tore my room apart. However, I was skinny and weak, so I collapsed within seconds, exhausted and near death.

The following months were dark times. I couldn’t ask any girl in my school to the prom because my school didn’t work like that. It was heresy to ask out someone from a different social group, and besides, every girl already had a date. I actually sat in the library with a sign that read, “Need a Date to the Prom.” The only response I got was “Aww…” from one girl out of the hundreds that saw my sign. Late May came and I gave up. I was in the public library one afternoon with my friend DeSiena, working on our final Economics project. He happened to notice a girl that he knew from another school. DeSiena asked her if she had any available friends to go to the prom with me. In fact, she did. I will name that girl “Tres.” I was saved. DeSiena’s friend arranged a rendezvous immediately, and I met Tres that afternoon.

Holy shit.

Without a doubt in my mind, and keep in mind that I have been to Spring Break and PJ Bottoms, Tres was the biggest slut I had ever met. So much that it turned me OFF! ME! THE KID WHO WRITES ABOUT PORN ON ZUBAZPANTS.COM!!! DeSiena was with me since he needed to introduce us to each other. Tres basically ignored me and tried to make out with DeSiena right in front of me. He resisted since he had a girlfriend, but Tres kept coming. The girl had no shame. I was so disgusted by her, that when she asked me for a hug, I refused. I’m no prude either, my friends. That is how slutty this girl was. During our meeting, she went inside for a moment. Her friend stopped by and we started talking. Her friend, who I will name “Cuatro,” was nothing in the looks department, but she was very easy to get along with. I couldn’t talk to Tres – she was just a horrible specimen of skank. When Cuatro left, Tres, DeSiena, and I went to her neighbor’s house for some reason. Her neighbor and his friends were watching a movie. As I was watching, I noticed Tres still trying to make out with DeSiena! The people in the room were shaking their heads like, “Holy shit, you fucking whore. Show some restraint.” DeSiena ducked under a Ping-Pong table to escape, but Tres crawled after him. I couldn’t believe that I was going to prom with such a whore. Unfortunately, Tres’ part in this story is just beginning.

The next day at school, every guy knew that I was going to prom with Tres. I was amazed how fast the gossip spread, especially since Tres didn’t even attend Hewlett! Groups of guys who I never even talked to before were patting me on the back, saying, “Fishman, you’re going to prom with Tres? Way to go, man! Have fun! She’s an animal!” Jesus H. Christ! The girl fucked every guy in my school! There I was - a kid who had never even kissed a girl before, suddenly going to prom with a cum receptacle! I was in over my head, but I decided to ride it out. Since prom was only a month away, my school began asking for Driver License photocopies of anyone who was attending prom but didn’t go to Hewlett. I called up Tres, and her mom always gave me this intense questioning about who I was and where I lived. I should have retorted with, “Maybe you should worry more about your daughter and her gaping vagina.” It fascinates me because the woman honestly had no idea that her daughter was the biggest slut on Long Island.

Tres kept delaying the photocopy, and I knew what was coming. I called her like 4 times, and each time she was like, “Are you Jewish? My mom doesn’t want me going to prom with someone who isn’t Jewish.” First of all, her mom is a horrible person for saying that, and secondly, Tres is an idiot for thinking someone named “Fishman” is not Jewish. Some days later, Tres told DeSiena that she was mad at me because I called her a slut to a bunch of people – WHICH NEVER HAPPENED! Tres was trying to find a reason to not go to the prom with me! It eventually dawned on me that Tres’ idiot mom never said the Jewish thing – it was another attempt for her to back out! I told my dad that I was about to be dateless yet again. As I dialed up Tres for the fifth time, my dad watched. She picked up, I told her again that I needed her photocopy, and then it came: “Listen, Jordan is one of my really good friends…”

Let me explain. My friend Jordan broke up with his girlfriend one week prior and was now dateless. Tres was friends with Jordan.

“I feel bad that he has no date,” Tres explained. “And he’s already my date for my school’s prom. So, I think I should go with him.”

“So what the hell am I going to do now, you filthy dicksucker?” I said, minus the “filthy dicksucker” part. My dad heard me say that, realized that I was just dumped, and screamed out, “WHY DO ALL GIRLS DO THIS TO YOU?” That didn’t make me feel any better.

“Don’t worry!” Tres said, trying to calm me down. “Remember Cuatro? The girl you talked to?”

“Yeah.”

“She’ll go to the prom with you. I’ll just ask her. She’ll say yes – don’t worry.” I was saved.

It was early June, about a week after Tres dumped me. I was eating lunch with my friend Jordan and “Skinny.” The entire time, Jordan and Skinny were making these nervous faces. “What is it?” I asked.

“Matt,” Skinny smirked. “You know those times when you have to say something, but you don’t want to, but you have to anyway?”

“What the FUCK are you talking about?”

“Cuatro can’t go to the prom with you.”

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” I slammed my fist on the table. “WHY THE FUCK NOT?”

“She has a family reunion.” Family reunion, my ass! Cuatro was lying! This girl was not a good-looking girl either, and she’s pulling the family reunion excuse! I couldn’t believe it! Four girls rejected me! Tres didn’t even bother telling me either! She made Jordan and Skinny do it! It still pisses me off! Am I that hideous, dear reader (don’t use the picture on the site for reference)?

“Don’t worry,” Skinny said. “There is this girl that goes to my temple, and I already told her about you. She’s all set to go to the prom.”

“Bullshit!” I responded. “Why should I believe you?” Skinny assured me that the girl, Cinco, was cute, cool, and had no criminal background. Cinco went to school in Oceanside, a town about 15 minutes away. I was definitely going with Cinco, and I wanted to meet her before prom, so we decided to hang out one night. Well, I was so frightened, not to mention a wreck from the Uno, Dos, Tres, and Cuatro ordeals, that I asked my friend Jeremy to go with me. Can you believe how sad that is? I’m meeting a girl and I bring my friend? I am amazed at how much of a loser I was. Cinco turned out to be a great girl - she gave me her photocopied ID quickly, was looking forward to the prom, and her house was near a park. I don’t know what that has to do with anything, but I like parks. I went to the prom with her and had a great time. Cinco and I still talk online to this day.

So, what happened with the other girls? Dos and Cuatro are no longer a part of this story. Uno ended up going to prom with a gay kid, and I laughed very hard. As for Tres…well, that is a funny story. During her prom, she danced – or dry humped – with another guy, leaving poor Jordan sitting at a table with total strangers. Eventually, Tres just left the prom with that guy and fucked him in a motel somewhere, utterly ditching Jordan. Now he was alone at another school’s prom. His date didn’t even say goodbye to him. Luckily, Tres’ friends were disgusted by her actions and kept Jordan company for the rest of the night. The next day, Jordan immediately dumped Tres and ended up going to prom with a babe. That summer, Tres contracted an STD after she fucked some scumbag on a cruise.

I find this to be among the best of my stories because it has it all: heartbreak, humor, a happy ending, and everyone who deserved comeuppance got their comeuppance. Comeuppance is a really fun word to say, isn’t it? Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. Don’t worry - I’m a well-adjusted individual today. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some porn to watch.

Questions? Comments? Living fuck? E-mail Fishman347@yahoo.com