Fishman here. This little piece of writing will also be about porn. Sorry. When you are unemployed, broke, and sitting on your ass all day, Internet porn is your only outlet. I previously mentioned that I would write about a teacher who crushed my soul days before my college graduation, but the whole thing would just be bitching and ranting. Plus, I’m afraid he’ll find out when I call him a fucking asshole. Enjoy.

Paul Feuer, another writer on ZubazPants.com, first introduced me to a web site called MILF Hunter (http://www.milfhunter.com) a long time ago. For the few of you who don’t know, MILF stands for “Mom I’d Like to Fuck,” a phrase made famous by the hit teen sex comedy “American Pie.” Paul told me that MILF Hunter is about some guy who walks around, picks up a MILF, brings her home, and has hot sex with her. Not only that, but he tapes everything from the pick-up lines to the money shot. AND IT’S 100% REAL! I quickly asked Paul if Hunter held the camera, but he said another guy did. So, let’s review: Hunter was not only able to fuck one MILF he just met - who also didn’t mind being taped by some guy – but he did it with so many different women that he was able to make an entire series out of it! The web site says it’s 100 percent real! Holy shit!

Enough sarcasm. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that MILF Hunter is 100 percent fake. I would have been pulled into the lie too, but the first episode I downloaded during one of my many, many lonely nights in college, featured a woman named Cherokee. It just so happened I’ve seen Cherokee in porn before. Not only is she already a porn star, but I think she’s like 25. I expected a sexy, older woman. Disgusted, I stopped watching. I’m serious - I deleted it. LIAR! SCOUNDREL! FALSIFIER! I believed those names to be synonymous with MILF Hunter. I refused to download another episode until I got really desperate for porn.

I downloaded another episode the next day. In this one, Hunter screws a woman named Sue. I enjoyed it – Sue looked like an older woman, she was hot, and the sex was fine. One thing annoyed me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I watched it again and again and again…and again…and again before class one morning…and again while my girlfriend and I were having “relations”…and again. I finally pinpointed what I hated about MILF Hunter: he never shuts the fuck up. He always had some comment during sex that he thought was funny, but it wasn’t. It totally ruined the mood. For example, Hunter and the cameraman – who I’ll get to later – had a running gag with Sue about cookies, because she was holding a box of cookies when they met her. I’ll give you some time to think of possible cookie jokes.

…

Time’s up. How many did you think of? How many of those were actually funny? How many of those were funny enough that you could say them directly at the camera in the middle of a porno shoot as your penis is inside a moaning woman? My bet is not many. Hunter believes that every joke he says is a jewel. The cameraman also laughs, but I think he’s being polite on many occasions. Here is an example of a Hunter zinger after he takes off Sue’s top, revealing her big breasts: “Ooh! Cookies – two for one!”

I think Sue was turned off - nipples soft, vagina dry, and everything. Yet, I’m being unfair. Hunter is not the only guy who makes bad jokes. The cameraman has more than enough dumb humor to satisfy all. As Hunter takes off Sue’s green pants, he blurts out, “They’re hunter green. Get it? HUNTER green?” I can’t even make a funny retort to that. The cameraman also seems to be in love with Hunter. He always goes, “You the man, Hunter! Yet another MILF hunted down! No one can resist the Hunter!” I’m going to go easy on the cameraman because I actually feel bad for him. This guy’s career is basically filming his naked friend. He needs to get shots underneath Hunter’s scrotum, get next to Hunter’s manhood while it’s being sucked off, and get close to the girl when Hunter squirts his joy juice. There are a lot of episodes too, so sperm has to occasionally hit the poor cameraman in the side of the head once or twice. I’m sure the cameraman makes a decent buck due to the site’s popularity, but at what price? AT WHAT PRICE?

You may be asking yourself why I called the MILF Hunter a true American. That’s because despite the bad jokes and the fake MILF’s, MILF Hunter runs a quality business. It may be pornography, but this is America, not communist China. The web site is nicely run, and it is updated once a week. That means Hunter has sex with a different woman once a week. He also often uses a condom! That means MILF Hunter endorses safe sex! Also, the warning screen before you can enter the site warns underage children not to enter. Clearly, not a single curious boy in the history of the world ever clicks on “No, I am not 18,” but I still like that MILF Hunter tries. It also mentions that every girl who fucked the Hunter was screened beforehand, tested for diseases, and went through all sorts of legal crap. I like my porn nice and legal. I also love the previews. Here is one preview, copied and pasted directly from the site: “I rolled down to the beach yesterday to look for some action, what I found was a woman on her phone, screamin at her husband, and lookin discusted! I rolled up on her, and asked if shed like to have a drink to calm down?... soon she realized by the bulge in my shorts that I wanted to taste more than that drink! I wanted that ass, and she wantd my cock! I got her back to the pad with the quickness, and started in on that ASS!”

What a great piece of writing! The spelling errors actually make me want to subscribe to the site! I wish people actually talked like the Hunter writes. “Yo man, I was thirsty, so I went to 7-11. So, I saw this BANGIN’ slurpee flavor and I knew I had to drink that shit. I took out this FINE dollar and paid for it, and it was all up in my mouth. I slurped that shit down and I wanted MORE!” Truthfully, I’m just busting Hunter’s balls. MILF Hunter is genius. It actually started a whole new wave of porn – reality porn. As I mentioned before, none of it is real, but that’s the charm of it: It’s fantasy. A lot of sites attempt to copy MILF Hunter too. There is MILF Seeker, MILF Riders, and My Friend’s Hot Mom. I don’t know which is more pathetic – the fact that these people copied MILF Hunter, or that I know these sites exist. I’m leaning towards the latter.

But who is the man behind MILF Hunter? Who is the Hunter? From what the obnoxious cameraman calls him, his full name is Sean Hunter (fake). He is a short fellow, who kind of looks like Danny Bonaduce, the former child star. Sean also calls himself a hick from Miami. He also seems to be in love with his body, since there are pictures on the site or other porn sites where he is flexing or wearing army paint (because he is hunting a MILF! What a true American!). As for the cameraman, I’ve never seen his face, but I’m just fine with that.

My final point about MILF Hunter is that the women he gets are never porn quality women. They are realistic! They are never dolled-up whores whose definition of naked means, “keeping the high heels on.” MILF Hunter women are still attractive though – the type of women you could believe that you can get if you tried. Notice I’m saying “you.” They are still out of my league because I’m a hideous creature incapable of picking up women. Anyway, I can’t believe I just wasted my time talking about MILF Hunter. I hope the bastard appreciates it.

Questions? Comments? Naked pictures of your girlfriend? Send it to Fishman347@yahoo.com