Fishman here. Today, I will offer you my comments on “Gigli,” the horrendous box office flop which convinced everyone that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez should be fed to hungry Black Bears. I know there will be a few of you who want to rent this movie just to see how bad it is, but you shouldn't. You'll just have a sinking feeling in your gut when the ending credits roll, which is a painful reminder that you just wasted 2 hours of your life. Anyway, read my fairly detailed review – which I entitled “Gigli Universe” - and stay away from this shit pit of a movie.

Last night, my girlfriend Shira and I decided to rent Gigli. Don't get us wrong - we both knew it was going to be bad, but we thought that it would be so bad that it would be funny.

Wrong.

Gigli is so bad that after finishing it, you feel angry. You're actually in a bad mood. It’s not because the movie is supposed to be depressing either. It is just so awful, that you want to take the DVD or VHS tape and just yell at it. I did.

Let's begin the movie. Ben Affleck plays Larry Gigli (pronounced jee-lee), a thug for local southern California mobster Louis. Apparently, Gigli is supposed to be one of the most brutal thugs in the area. If that's the case, then I would be considered to be a psychopathic serial killer in that town, because Gigli is a fucking wuss. He never beats anyone up in the entire movie nor does he come off as scary. Anyway, a big mob boss named Starkman in New York is in court. Louis wants Gigli to kidnap the retarded brother of the federal prosecutor who is trying to put Starkman away. Luckily, the brother just so happens lives in a home for the mentally challenged nearby. Louis hopes that the news of his brother's kidnapping will cause the prosecutor to drop the charges. Of course, Louis explains it like this, "A certain individual is in court, being prosecuted by another certain individual, and we need you to kidnap the brother of the first certain individual, so that certain individual etc. etc." Do you follow? Don't worry - it gets more retarded ... no pun intended.

The retarded kid is named Brian, and he is very handicapped. He curses like crazy when touched, and mumbles incoherently about "Baywatch" and "sunflower seeds." Gigli kidnaps Brian, and hides him in his apartment, waiting for Louis to tell him when he can bring him back. What amazed me is how easily Gigli kidnaps Brian. He walks into the place, tells Brian they are going for a ride, and leaves with him. I guess in the “Gigli Universe,” these places allow total strangers to take their residents anywhere. If that's the case, I am seriously thinking about renting a bus, going to the nearest mental ward, and bringing all the retards to my house for a party.

Out of nowhere, a woman named Ricki (Jennifer Lopez) appears and tells Gigli that she was hired by Louis to look after Brian too. Apparently, Louis thinks Gigli is too dumb to handle it by himself. This is the plot. Two people - who are supposed to be dangerous mafia thugs - looking after a retard. Usually movies with a mentally challenged person are heartwarming. "I Am Sam" and "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" ruled. Gigli - although retard equipped - sucked balls. The first hour mostly takes place in Gigli's apartment, and I'm assuming that during this time Gigli and Brian get closer, but there is no defining scene of that happening. Also, the actor who plays Brian cannot act like a retard. It was the most unconvincing retard ever, and I cannot believe someone would find it hard to act stupid. Anyway, the first hour is SO boring and pointless that you want to gouge out your eyes. Which brings me to another point, but we'll get to that later.

Ricki is a lesbian, so Gigli is suffering from blue balls. She shares the bed with him, and constantly spouts out wise words, like she's smart. The thing is J.Lo does not come off as smart. Or funny. Or lesbian. J.Lo comes off as someone who is so full of herself, they have to have several scenes showing off her body ... which this movie has. One scene is her on the phone, and she pulls her leg into the air, and crosses it. Another scene is her doing yoga. The point of these scenes? None. NONE! NONE!!!

Not that she never speaks. There are constantly long speeches by nearly every character that have no point with advancing the plot. During the yoga scene, Ricki was talking about a penis or something. All I know is that I started staring at the wall for a while, and when I went back to the movie, she was still shooting her mouth off. I yelled out, "WHY IS SHE STILL TALKING?!" As for the eye gouging, Ricki intimidates these skater kids by giving a long, HORRIBLY ACTED speech about taking out eyes. The kids are scared, but in real life, those kids would have bashed Ricki in the head with a skateboard during her lame speech. Gigli smugly walks out with her, but adds more shit to the scene by breaking one of their laptop computers, grabbing his crotch, and saying, “Suck my dick.com.” Lame.

Let's get back to Brian. Somehow, he gains 20 I.Q. points by the middle of the movie. He asks Gigli's mom, "Excuse me ma'am, where is your bathroom?" WHAT HAPPENED TO THE NEARLY INCOHERENT RETARD? Suddenly, Brian is just a little slow, and Gigli and Ricki touch him several times and he doesn't bug out. This by no means symbolizes growing trust. It is just one of Brian's quirks that the director would hope that the audience would forget about ...within 15 minutes.

Gigli, Ricki, and Brian visit Gigli's mother in one scene. This scene is about five minutes long. Gigli's mom is told that Ricki is a lesbian, but mom knows that Ricki has had sex with a man before. Ricki giggles, and says "Yes." I believe that this is Lopez's entire line when interacting with Gigli's mom. Yet, at the end of this short scene, they act like they are old friends. Maybe I missed something, or maybe the writer is missing something ... like talent. What pisses me off is that this scene also had nothing to do with the plot, and if they had cut it out, this shitty movie could have ended minutes sooner.

At one point in this train wreck of a movie, an enraged lesbian shows up at the door. This is Ricki's ex-girlfriend, Robin, who also seems to be a mobster. I say "seems" because the movie never explains who the hell she is. This scene was just a mess. I think that Robin was mad that Ricki was living with a guy, but all Gigli or Ricki had to do was explain that nothing was happening, but in the “Gigli Universe,” such things do not exist. Now, Ricki seems shook up by Robin appearing, and a smart move would be to expand on this, allowing the audience to know more about Ricki. It is a simple thing called "character development." Not in Gigli. Robin suddenly grabs a knife and slits her wrists. They take her to the hospital, and leave her there. Nothing is heard from Robin again. The funny thing is that I really don't care. I'm not saying, "I really wanted to know more about Robin!" No, I really don't. I would have liked to see a lesbian sex scene, sure. But that's it.

"It's turkey time. Gobble, gobble." What do you think that means? Well, after the Robin debacle, Ricki is suddenly straight, I guess. She proves it by laying down on the bed, spreading her legs, and saying to Gigli, "It's turkey time. Gobble, gobble." I know as much dirty talk as the next person, but none of it includes mentioning a fat bird eaten for Thanksgiving. The writer of this movie must have been thinking, "BRILLIANT! Kids all over the country will be saying this! They'll think it's totally rad and tubular!" No, it's none of those. The sex scene that follows is also the tamest sex scene in movie history. Lopez is totally clothed, and the chemistry is not there. There is no chemistry between Affleck and Lopez. I don't know if I should blame them or the writing. Ricki went from hardcore lesbian and disliking Gigli to straight and having sex with him in a single scene. I guess lesbians slitting their wrists turn people straight in the “Gigli Universe.”

Louis needs to step up the operation, so he tells Gigli and Ricki to chop off Brian's thumb and send it to the prosecutor. Gigli and Ricki find themselves unable to do it, which further proves that they are wusses. Now, I don't condone chopping thumbs off of retarded people, but if you're one of the "most brutal thugs in town," that kind of thing will not stop you. Then again, this is the “Gigli Universe.” Gigli goes to a hospital and saws a thumb off of a cadaver with A PLASTIC KNIFE! Suddenly, plastic can cut through bone. They send that thumb instead, and I blacked out, mumbling "This sucks, this sucks, this sucks ..."

We come to my favorite part, and I really, really mean it. Starkman has come to LA from NY. He invites everyone responsible for the thumb thing to his LA house: Louis, Gigli, and Ricki. This is played by Al Pacino, and although he also has a stupid, long speech that amounts to nothing, he shoots Louis in the head. This makes it my favorite scene. Not because Louis deserved to be killed, but because I wanted one of these characters to stop talking so badly, that I wished death upon them. Pacino's character granted me my wish. Anyway, the thumb thing made Starkman's situation worse, then he starts to blather on about something, then Ricki talks him out of killing Gigli and herself with a horrible speech that did not make any sense. Lopez trying to sound tough with her accent made it even worse.

Why is Pacino in this? It had to be because the director asked him to. The director of Gigli directed "Scent of a Woman," which earned Pacino an Academy Award. Clearly, Pacino owed the director something.

We finally arrive at the end of the movie, which takes place right after Gigli and Ricki nearly died at the hands of Starkman. They seem to have gotten over their brush with death very quickly, because suddenly Gigli is giving Brian a dumb speech about being more aggressive if looking for a girlfriend. I should mention that the “Baywatch” Brian mumbled about during the movie is the beach. He likes the beach because he thinks that is where all the beautiful women are, and apparently, he wants a girlfriend. I believe that the girlfriend thing is mentioned once throughout the movie. Anyway, it just so happens that they drive past a beach where a music video is being filmed, so a lot of bikini babes are there. They drop Brian off there, call his brother to pick him up, and leave. Gigli gives Ricki his car so she can leave town. Why? No idea. It wasn’t like they became so close in the movie. I really don’t understand why Ricki had to leave town. I don’t even understand Ricki. The whole character of Ricki is so stupid, that if I ever meet anyone named Ricki, I will spear them with a harpoon. Even worse, Ricki is not even her name. She keeps her real name secret, but believe me, you won’t even care.

Well, Brian walks into the music video, and everyone there instantly thinks he is one of the dancers. No one suspects that this kid wearing a sweatshirt and jeans in the middle of a crowd of bikinis and swimsuits does not belong. He is paired up to dance with a beautiful Australian girl (Brian likes that accent, which is one of the few things established in the movie). Of course, Gigli overhears her accent and smiles. I’m confused as to how Gigli, who had to be over 100 feet away, was able to hear her talk, especially since her and Brian were in a crowd of other people talking. Then again, this is the “Gigli Universe.”

So the movie ends with Ricki revealing her real name – Rochelle (like we give two shits) – going back for Gigli, and they drive away together. Hopefully they will drive off a cliff.

Let’s summarize the movie in four easy steps: Kidnap retard, hide him with help from lesbian, bad guy from New York does not approve, and return retard. That is the movie, and it’s two shitty hours! Do me a favor by not renting this piece of shit. If you do rent it, do me a favor by lighting yourself on fire.